"Welcome to the Bubble Bobble Page, where we never let Skykid out of his cage. All the bitches know that Karnov's my name, and believe it when I say this is one fucked up game."		"Wow! I like games with bubbles too! One time, I stayed up way past bed time to play Milon's Secret Castle, and I got caught and Mommy gave me such a spanking."
	"That kinky bitch tried that shit with me, but I sent her ass back to her white trash family. Because Karnov's in charge, and if your ass is large, I'll slap it like your name was Slapme Willy. Lovin' with Karnov will make a lady hobble, but now our asses will talk about Bubble Bobble."		"What's a Bobble?.. and.. my weeble wobble. I like to play Nintendo... and ... make my Gumby bendo! *Giggle!*"

Bubble Bobble actually starts off with that exact text. You know it's going to be a good game when you read something like that. This is the story of two little dinosaurs struggling to save their girlfriends from the clutches of this huge hooded elf guy. You go through 100 levels of moronic monster things before you fight him. And you kill the bad guys by using your magical dino bubbles to envelop them. Then you pop them and they turn into fruit. I actually came up with the idea for this game first in the River City Ransom sauna. We were doing some of Solid Snake's exotic drugs he got from his last Metal Gear mission and I told Link I was going to stick him in a soap bubble and turn him into a banana. We all laughed, but who knew he would get together with that Excite Bike guy and make a video game out of it?

Not only did that little Link bastard steal my fruit idea, he stole my umbrella idea. I was talking to King Hippo in the sauna when I said, "What if you could get a pink umbrella and skip a bunch of levels?" King Hippo just smiled and said, "Skipping levels is no way to live your life. An umbrella doesn't make up for lost moments. You've got to savor each precious second." After a short round of applause for his beautiful speech, Little Mac landed a right hook and knocked King Hippo dead. Then Guts Man and Hard Man tore Little Mac's arms off while he screamed, "Help me, Doc!" And all Doc could say was "Join the Nintendo Fun Club Today, Mac!" Then he happily gave out the address right before Cut Man took his head off. The picture to the right is another thing that Link stole. I was trying to make conversation with one of the members of the Icelandic Super Dodge Ball team. All he talked about in his broken English was how he travelled around the world and pissed on thousands of historical monuments. I said, "Yeah. It's nice to pee." And that little bastard Link stole my quote and stuck it in his game.

When you're the main bad guy, you have to think a little. This huge chubby cheeked elf freak is too big to be put in a magic dino bubble. There is no way our little turd dragon things should be able to beat him. But this idiot makes his home in the room with the super bonus lightning potion. The one weapon that can hurt him. So all Bub and Bob have to do is climb some stairs, get the thing, and kick his ass. If the guy would move just one room away, Bubby and Bobby's only options would be to surrender or just start making out so they can die happy. If you only have one weakness, don't stick it in your living room. Superman doesn't have kryptonite sculptures in his house, and Heat Man doesn't live in a fish tank. Follow their example, big elfie guy! Move your ass to level 99! Or at least take out the platforms that let the dino geeks easily climb up and get the ultimate weapon! Just think a little. And anyway, if if you're forty feet tall, you should be setting your sights higher than turning two little boys into cute monsters and kidnapping their girlfriends. What are you, some Care Bears villain?

GAME HINTS: 1. Don't touch the other little monsters. They will kill you if you do. 2. Okay! This is important! When you put the monsters in bubbles, pop them! If you don't, they get really really pissed off at you! 3. Beat the game with both players or you don't get the super ending. You get the ending where Bub gets both chicks and Bob goes home and masturbates to nasty magazines of naked dinosaurs. 4. Here's a tip straight from the instruction booklet: "Capture special magic items to help you burst the beasties!" 5. Here's another from the same booklet: "Incendo, Stoner, Super Socket, and Willy Whistle are particularly nasty." Thankyou for the helpful hints, Taito.

WHAT WE'VE LEARNED: We've learned that most creatures turn into tasty treats when you put them in a bubble and smash them against a wall. We also, of course, have learned that being turned into a monster and rescuing your girlfriend from robots and purple whales is the true magic of life, love, friendship, and happiness.

OUR REVIEW: GRAPHICS: 4. Skykid thought they were cute, but he's the only one who liked them. Actually, Karnov was busy with one of his ladies, so I couldn't ask him. But I'm assuming he wouldn't like them. FUN: 8. When you play a game for 100 levels, it better be fucking fun. Skykid sometimes has such a good time he starts screaming , "Wheee!! Yay, Bubby!!!" NINTENDO LOGIC: 10. This game wrote the book on Nintendo Logic. You can jump up through the floor, but then it's solid when you're standing on it. You can hop on giant bubbles and little elves throw bottles at you. And when you die, you just start doing somersaults until you blink out of existance. Unless you're evil, and then you just turn into a peach.

	"This game is splendiferous! I love to be Bobby, he's the blue one. Sometimes I pretend I'm a little dragon that can blow bubbles but mommy never lets me outside when I have my cardboard dragon suit on. Pop! Pop! I'll pop all the bad monsters! Yay!!!"
	"I can dig it, brother man. When I'm playin' Bub, the monsters better go, 'cause all the mother fuckers die when I let my bubbles flow. So, baby, watch out 'cause Karnov can count, and when I reach level one zero zero, all the bitches will know I'm their hero."		"I love you, Karnov!"
	"I'm Karnov. The lovin' machine, baby. And that's one fucked up plane you got there, little man."		"*Giggle!*"