#9: Custer's Revenge (Atari 2600)|
Atari 2600 owners had games about blowing up tanks, brushing their teeth, and Kool-Aid. It forces a person to demand, where were the games about General Custer rising from the dead to sexually assault Indian women? The company Mystique heard the public's demands and answered them with Custer's Revenge. In it, you lead Custer through a hail of arrows to hump a girl tied to a cactus on the other side of the screen. That's it. That's the whole game.
Custer: "Gentlemen, today's operation will be a unique one. We will go deep into injun territory with a full entourage of cavalry, establish a tight perimeter, have the infantry remove my pants and underpants, and then I will attempt to force sex on an Indian girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any objections?"
Custer's military advisor: "Yes, general. Several."
With the stone-age graphics of the 2600, there really was no point in trying to make erotic games. Custer's Revenge looks less like sex and more like a couple slow dancing at a social for birth defected sea horses.
Even if you were turned on by a woman who looks like she was made out of cardboard boxes, she's still tied to a cactus. Two things that don't mix with adult entertainment are cactuses and rubbing your balls on cactuses. If Custer's Revenge assisted anyone in masturbation, they not only should be arrested for being a pervert lunatic, someone should tell them that it would be just as good a simulation of sex if they were jerking their penis in front of Chopper Command.
Historical Accuracy: 9/10
Although General Custer didn't tie any Native Americans to cactuses and have his way with their birth canals, and was in fact killed by those people's proud and mystical warriors, the rest of the game is factually correct. In addition to the faithfulness to details like Custer's blue cowboy hat and magnificently gay pink scarf, the creators did exhaustive research on cowboys having sex. The game uses the time-honored historical Old West style of scoring, which is one point for each successful pelvic thrust, seven points for all solid slaps to the ass, and immediately being declared sheriff if you perform a full backflip without leaving the vagina.