|The third nominee for the Congratulaion! Award is the Legend of Kage. Its
intro is an amazingly detailed story about a princess' abduction. As princesses
are known to do, she is wandering alone in a ninja infested forest. She has a strange
birth defect from her generations of divine inbreeding, and can't walk without looking
like a blind person. This is in addition to her lack of face. Suddenly, a silent and deadly
assassin of the night flies through the air at her! He shouts, "A ninja need no arms!" as he
inexplicably grabs her and flies off. The princess doesn't bother to struggle,
and isn't even very suprised.
Never in the history
of filmmaking has so much action been smashed into a four second movie. I honestly
have never played the game since I'm always hitting reset to watch the rivetting princess/ninja
story again. I also haven't played it since the game really sucks. But every time I watch the intro movie, I notice something
new. Like the last time when I noticed I hadn't eaten in two days and I had worn out the reset button on my Nintendo.
I'm not the only one who likes this movie, though. Years after the making of this game, the programmers won an award for their
portrayal of the handicapped as triumphantly capable individuals. They were also given
a prestigious lifetime achievement award from the Paraplegic Ninja Film Association.
||The fourth nominee for Best Game Intro is Bad Dudes. Obviously,
this intro is far too cool for me to consider commenting on it. But I do wish
I was in the room when the committee decided that the best way to
rescue the president was to find two civilian punks. Did the
secretary of defense stand up and say, "We can't spare the military personel
to rescue our president. So we'll just inspire a couple of
street dudes to do it by questioning their badness. Easy."
||The fifth nominee is Bubble Bobble. This intro has no cool movies,
and it's just a badly translated motivational speech, but it does give a good
idea of what the player can expect with the next couple hours of their life-- pure nonsense.
And with an intro this well worded, who cares why you're magic bubble blowing dinosaurs
or why you're beginning your fantastic story? It's not good to start asking questions
when you see monsters being stuck in soap bubbles and turned into treats.
||Congratulation! to Bad Dudes and their award for Best Game Intro. No other
game has said so much with just two sentences, a stern look, and an olive bomber jacket.
The story was tragic and yet inspirational. After reading it the judges
were so moved, they put on their best torn up jeans and red headbands, rolled up their pant
legs, got together with 50 musical stars to perform, "Bring Our President Back, Bad Dudes!"
The single went to number one that weekend, as the world rallied behind the Bad Dudes
and their noble quest. The other reason the Bad Dudes won this award is because they
threatened to beat the shit out of us if they didn't. So here to accept the award is either Blade
or Striker (no one can tell them apart after they change their pants).
||"Well they say the sky's the limit!"
"And to me that's really true!"
"But my friend ya have seen nothin'!"
"Just wait 'til I get through!"
"Because I'm bad! I'm bad!"
"Come on! Ta!"