Based on Crap: The Worst Things to Make Nintendo Games About.

"A jewel," the troll thinks to itself. This game starts like many others, with you laughing at the title screen and counting in your head how many people must have gotten fired over it. The game itself is your naked troll standing in a room with different colored jewels and garbage cans scattered all over the floor. Then, when you hit a button, all scorching hell breaks loose. Your little naked keychain creature starts running as fast as it can. And it doesn't stop or slow down. It doesn't care what's in front of it, it still goes full speed with a grin on its face and two naked ass cheeks flapping behind him (not shown due to graphics limitations of Nintendo and ineptitude of game's artists). And don't even try to settle it down by pushing buttons. I'll save you time by telling you that none of them make it stop. It's finally a Nintendo simulation of shoving your little brother down the stairs, complete with nudity. If you play the game long enough, it rewards you by giving you a special treat. You get to name yourself. It's helpful for people who didn't already have names like children raised by wolves who before were only known as a haunting howl into the night. It's also good for people who like to have different aliases. "In real life, my name's Weiner, but in Trolls on Treasure Island, I'm known as Dagg'Ar the Unstoppable!" Every room your troll enters starts as a jewel-filled bank vault, and then becomes a pen for insane, rampaging animals. Your troll runs back and forth slamming into walls, doors, trash cans, or anything else inanimate enough to not jump out of the way. You can suggest with your controller that it moves up or down, but like the Crash Dummies, the troll's as likely to listen to you as it is to come to life, jump out of the TV, and lead you on adventures that show you the magic of believing in yourself. And if you press left or right on the controller, it's even less likely to work. Because there is no left or right in Trolls. In fact, if you try it, messages appear at the top that say things like, PLEASE, NO MORE, OUCH!, NOT THAT, NO DON'T, or my favorite, HEE HEE. If you try to move left or right after the troll ran uncontrollably into a monster, it gives you a new message, I'M DEAD. Thanks, talking troll corpse, I was wondering why you weren't moving. I was also wondering how one little GAME OVER screen can make someone so happy. That damn troll... it just keeps running and running until it hits something, and all that does is get it to start running in the other direction. He's like a bouncy ball, only stupider. Plus it has hair to brush and a perfectly toned naked buttocks. I don't know what place these troll creatures come from, but wherever it is, there must not be any walls or obstacles there. They sure as hell don't seem to have any concept of stopping or going around something. In our world, we try to avoid slamming the fronts of our bodies into things, probably because we actually have genitals. And they ache upon impact. It looks pretty shitty, doesn't it? Well, it's worse than it looks. That makes it megashitty or shitty from space. The point of Trolls on Treasure Island is to get the uncontrollable spaz aimed in the direction of one of the trash cans to turn itself into the color of that trash can. Then you press up or down and hope he listens to you enough to force his way through a blue door before its smiling face smashes blindly into the pink garbage can and turns it pink (the color of gay). Your color is important since each door is color coded to let you know what color, or "race" of trolls can pass through. This color coding is also used on drinking fountains and seat assignments on public troll buses. In this game, color apartheid is as important a theme as seizure sprinting, which is similar to the Special Olympics event, Hardcore Seizure Sprinting. The kind of person who'd enjoy this game probably spends most of their day running as fast as they can into walls and then other walls until they pass out or a doctor restrains them. So they can not only enjoy Trolls on Treasure Island as a challenging battle against standing still, but as a simulation of their own life. I don't know how much it appealed to troll collectors since it doesn't look very pretty on a shelf, can't hold your keys, and has no ass to speak of. I should have mentioned this before. Like Sunday Funday, Trolls was just a previous game with a lunch break's worth of tweaking. They took a game called "Dudes with Attitude" and turned the smiling face of a dude with attitude into a naked monster. Plus, playing Nintendo really takes away from time they could have spent brushing and brushing the hair of their dolls or attending their dealing-with-shame support groups. If you think I'm being too hard on the Troll collectors, take a look at this, and tell me the person who purchased the dolls, arranged the dolls, photographed the dolls, and uploaded the dolls to the Internet isn't child-eatingly insane: This is the map you can use to select which level you want to do next. It's a lot like a menu in a restaurant that serves 300 different kinds of scabby band-aids. Each one is a little bit different, but they all make you cry. Graphics: 0 How good do you really need the graphics if you're making a game around keychains with hair? You're starting with a bowl of snot, so trying to make it look pretty would be like dropping lipstick into a bowl of snot. The fact that the graphics look like first grade plaster sculptures that you ran over with your bike is actually reassuring if you think about it. It lets us know that at least the art staff on this game said, "Fuck you. I'm not wasting my time making a game about Trolls GOOD." Fun: 2 I've run into a lot of walls. Some on purpose, some not. And every single teeth-jarring impact has been more fun than running into walls in this game. I have a feeling I'd change my mind if the damn troll screamed in pain every time it happened. I'd still be playing it now if they'd thought to put that in. Embarrassment: 8 If you're the kind of person who has a shelf full of rainbow headed trolls, you probably don't give a fuck about how stupid you look to the rest of the world. For everyone else, close the shades if you play this game. I did, and I still wore a mask and burned my finger prints off. If you want to recreate the Trolls experience without the embarrassment of owning a piece of stupid gaming history, give a kid a couple pots of coffee and cover the nearby walls in candy just a little bit higher than they can reach. You're going to want to close the shades when you do this too. "BAM! Ow! BAM! Ow! BAM! Ow!" Sorry about this. Here's the Trolls on Treasure Island and Dudes With Attitudes ROMS.

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