This game starts like many others, with you laughing at the title screen and counting in your head how many people must have gotten fired over it. The game itself is your naked troll standing in a room with different colored jewels and garbage cans scattered all over the floor. Then, when you hit a button, all scorching hell breaks loose. Your little naked keychain creature starts running as fast as it can. And it doesn't stop or slow down. It doesn't care what's in front of it, it still goes full speed with a grin on its face and two naked ass cheeks flapping behind him (not shown due to graphics limitations of Nintendo and ineptitude of game's artists). And don't even try to settle it down by pushing buttons. I'll save you time by telling you that none of them make it stop. It's finally a Nintendo simulation of shoving your little brother down the stairs, complete with nudity.
That damn troll... it just keeps running and running until it hits something, and all that does is get it to start running in the other direction. He's like a bouncy ball, only stupider. Plus it has hair to brush and a perfectly toned naked buttocks. I don't know what place these troll creatures come from, but wherever it is, there must not be any walls or obstacles there. They sure as hell don't seem to have any concept of stopping or going around something. In our world, we try to avoid slamming the fronts of our bodies into things, probably because we actually have genitals. And they ache upon impact.
The kind of person who'd enjoy this game probably spends most of their day running as fast as they can into walls and then other walls until they pass out or a doctor restrains them. So they can not only enjoy Trolls on Treasure Island as a challenging battle against standing still, but as a simulation of their own life. I don't know how much it appealed to troll collectors since it doesn't look very pretty on a shelf, can't hold your keys, and has no ass to speak of.
If you think I'm being too hard on the Troll collectors, take a look at this, and tell me the person who purchased the dolls, arranged the dolls, photographed the dolls, and uploaded the dolls to the Internet isn't child-eatingly insane:
How good do you really need the graphics if you're making a game around keychains with hair? You're starting with a bowl of snot, so trying to make it look pretty would be like dropping lipstick into a bowl of snot. The fact that the graphics look like first grade plaster sculptures that you ran over with your bike is actually reassuring if you think about it. It lets us know that at least the art staff on this game said, "Fuck you. I'm not wasting my time making a game about Trolls GOOD."
I've run into a lot of walls. Some on purpose, some not. And every single teeth-jarring impact has been more fun than running into walls in this game. I have a feeling I'd change my mind if the damn troll screamed in pain every time it happened. I'd still be playing it now if they'd thought to put that in.
If you're the kind of person who has a shelf full of rainbow headed trolls, you probably don't give a fuck about how stupid you look to the rest of the world. For everyone else, close the shades if you play this game. I did, and I still wore a mask and burned my finger prints off.
If you want to recreate the Trolls experience without the embarrassment of owning a piece of stupid gaming history, give a kid a couple pots of coffee and cover the nearby walls in candy just a little bit higher than they can reach. You're going to want to close the shades when you do this too. "BAM! Ow! BAM! Ow! BAM! Ow!"
Sorry about this. Here's the Trolls on Treasure Island and Dudes With Attitudes ROMS.