If governments should ban anything, it's home schooling. Home school educated people are like citizens of the Footloose town before Kevin Bacon teaches them how to dance. What would a person become if their mom was their teacher and "recess" was running to the window to watch a Moose shit in Santa's backyard? It happened to this kid, and he ended up building Nintendo friends out of clay and sending a picture of their tea party to a magazine. Your teacher mommy might think that's terrific, but if you'd gone to a school with regular kids, they'd teach you almost immediately to keep that a secret. With a stick.

I'm a regular celebrater of Christmas, and before this letter, I had no idea some crazy actually built Santa Claus a house up at the North Pole. Now I wonder how many other fictional characters have real homes. Maybe someone out there built a castle for Conan or a space ship for Neil Armstrong.

You might not have noticed some of the subtleties of Josh's picture since every reflex in your eye is telling you to look away and scream, but there are some strange things going on in it. For example, if you look above a clay turtle's daring rescue of another little toy, the wall collage says, "BEWARE of FUZZ." I guess he must be talking about the North Pole PD. They must crack down on those home-schooled Nintendo players.

Patrolman: "Dispatch, this is officer Harpoon on Ho Ho Patrol. I've done a preliminary Christmas caroling sweep of the West igloos, and I-- sweet merciful Santa! It looks like someone's playing video bowling down at the Foreman residence!"

Dispatch: "Harpoon! This is dispatch! Approach the Nintendo suspects with extreme caution! But do not repeat DO NOT engage! Your backup is on the way!"

Patrolman: "Oh dear lord... he's switching to... to Legend of Zelda! I'm a mother-loving sitting goose out here! What's the ETA of that god damn backup?"

Dispatch: "We've got the patrol sled pretty much loaded with whale blubber and furs, but a couple of the dogs are still asleep. Sorry, officer, you're on your own for a few more hours."

Patrolman: "Hh. Just another day in the snow dunes. Josh Foreman... you're not getting away with it this time, scumbag. Dispatch... I'm going in."


From the anti-FUZZ poster, go three dragon creatures and a home-schooled head to the right, and you'll see a cutout of the word "GAMEBOY." Not a picture of a totally rad to the max kid in sunglasses holding a Gameboy out, just the word Gameboy. Nice poster, Josh. The way the "M" in the middle of that word kind of comes to a point looks really cool.

Printing this letter was insulting enough to our intelligence, but then at one point Nintendo Power calls our intelligence's mom a fat bitch. They actually put little arrows in the middle of the article to let us know which direction to read. The only people who might need that help are home-schooled eskimo kids, and Alaskans stopped reading and writing years ago anyway. There are too many wild animals that'll eat their messages out of the snow before they're done peeing them.

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