The first nominee for Best Game Intro is Blaster Master. It's a heartwarming tale of a young boy and his frog. Everything appears to be perfect until the frog cleverly escapes from his cold glass prison by hopping out. The boy begins to panic and chases the frog outside. It's here we realize that next to his garage is a big glowing box labelled "radioactive." His dad dragged it out of the swamp during his last fishing trip and brought it home screaming, "Look what I found! And it was free!" That was before he grew a second head and ran into the woods covered in blue flame.

Any frogologist will tell you that frogs have an affinity for radiation, and this boy's only friend is no different. He hops straight for the glowing lawn decoration and begins to mutate into a giant Ultra Frog. Then he and the box fall into the secret caverns under the lawn. The super tough boy wisely leaps in after him and survives the 30 foot drop, but it doesn't do him any good since the frog is gone. However, there is a really gay tank down there. Now your adventure begins, but first I'd like to send a thank you to Mrs. Winklebeans's third grade Special Ed class for their award winnning submission to the "Write a Nintendo Game Plot" contest.

What is that thing she has for a right leg?


The second nominee is Double Dragon. It begins with a compelling sequence involving Billy Lee's girlfriend, Marian, and her encounter with local thugs. You can tell they're bad guys because of they're all dressed like A-Team villains. Anyway, while one of the diabolical street punks creeps up on Marian, she is frozen in terror. Either that, or it's a Secret Marian Decoy. This is a device often used by street smart fighters to trick thugs into stealing mannequins. But whatever it is, its right leg is really gross, and the guy punches it in the stomach and carries it off. Billy Lee was in the garage the whole time, but he couldn't go outside to stop the crime since the NES couldn't handle any more moving sprites on the screen. Yay!  We've got a Marian!

La la!  I'm a princess.  La.

The ninja approaches.  As silent as the night.

This took all night to program.

The third nominee for the Congratulaion! Award is the Legend of Kage. Its intro is an amazingly detailed story about a princess' abduction. As princesses are known to do, she is wandering alone in a ninja infested forest. She has a strange birth defect from her generations of divine inbreeding, and can't walk without looking like a blind person. This is in addition to her lack of face. Suddenly, a silent and deadly assassin of the night flies through the air at her! He shouts, "A ninja need no arms!" as he inexplicably grabs her and flies off. The princess doesn't bother to struggle, and isn't even very suprised.
Never in the history of filmmaking has so much action been smashed into a four second movie. I honestly have never played the game since I'm always hitting reset to watch the rivetting princess/ninja story again. I also haven't played it since the game really sucks. But every time I watch the intro movie, I notice something new. Like the last time when I noticed I hadn't eaten in two days and I had worn out the reset button on my Nintendo.
I'm not the only one who likes this movie, though. Years after the making of this game, the programmers won an award for their portrayal of the handicapped as triumphantly capable individuals. They were also given a prestigious lifetime achievement award from the Paraplegic Ninja Film Association.

Wow.  This is so cool. The fourth nominee for Best Game Intro is Bad Dudes. Obviously, this intro is far too cool for me to consider commenting on it. But I do wish I was in the room when the committee decided that the best way to rescue the president was to find two civilian punks. Did the secretary of defense stand up and say, "We can't spare the military personel to rescue our president. So we'll just inspire a couple of street dudes to do it by questioning their badness. Easy."

A fantastic story. The fifth nominee is Bubble Bobble. This intro has no cool movies, and it's just a badly translated motivational speech, but it does give a good idea of what the player can expect with the next couple hours of their life-- pure nonsense. And with an intro this well worded, who cares why you're magic bubble blowing dinosaurs or why you're beginning your fantastic story? It's not good to start asking questions when you see monsters being stuck in soap bubbles and turned into treats.

I'm bad! Congratulation! to Bad Dudes and their award for Best Game Intro. No other game has said so much with just two sentences, a stern look, and an olive bomber jacket. The story was tragic and yet inspirational. After reading it the judges were so moved, they put on their best torn up jeans and red headbands, rolled up their pant legs, got together with 50 musical stars to perform, "Bring Our President Back, Bad Dudes!" The single went to number one that weekend, as the world rallied behind the Bad Dudes and their noble quest. The other reason the Bad Dudes won this award is because they threatened to beat the shit out of us if they didn't. So here to accept the award is either Blade or Striker (no one can tell them apart after they change their pants).


"Well they say the sky's the limit!"
"And to me that's really true!"
"But my friend ya have seen nothin'!"
"Just wait 'til I get through!"
"Because I'm bad! I'm bad!"
"Come on! Ta!"

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