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Welcome to the probably only annual Nintendo Congratulation! Awards. This is a special presentation that gives awards to Nintendo related stuff. For a lot of these things, it is the only opportunity they will ever have to actually win an award. Readers
should also be warned not to take any of this too seriously, and children under the age of 12 are discouraged from reading since there are naked pictures of their mothers in most of the articles. Also, they grew up in the wrong decade and probably won't remember any of this crap anyway.
All nominees were carefully evaluated by myself and a number of judges. The judges prefer to remain anonymous, but I can guarantee that none of them are "Eric" from TV's Head of the Class. Also note that this page is in no way endorsed by "Eric," Nintendo, Sloppy Joe, or the Catholic church. The judges were all selected for their keen observation abilities, lego building skill, and lack of anything better to do. That is why most of their decisions are completely uneducated, and often times, blatantly wrong.
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Best Game Intro
All games need to give the player some sort of motivation for playing. Nobody's going
to just pick up a controller and start hitting people without a girlfriend or president
or something to save. That is why the intro to a game is so important, and why we are giving
out this Congratulation! Award.
Please note: research shows that nobody really cares
about the shitty plots that get summarized at the beginning of a video game. |
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Best Nintendo Peripheral
During Nintendo's quest to create the biggest pile of plastic garbage,
they released a number of frighteningly bad things you could plug
into your NES. In this section, the judges and I tried our best to find the one deserving
of a Congratulation! Award. |
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Most Helpful Game Character
Most magical and fantastic NES adventures require advice and tips from
other game characters. And even though they hardly ever make any sense since
Japanese programmers let their 6 year olds translate their games into English, the judges
and I still thought we should give out this award. |
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Toughest Game Character
Although almost all NES game characters end up saving a planet and beating up things no normal human, duck, or little dinosaur could, there are a few that stood out as exceptional bad asses. This section of the Congratulation! Awards honors those game characters that you wouldn't want to pick a fight with.
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Best Dialogue
Some games have such good dialogue, you almost want to stop running around and shooting
to sit down and talk to the fascinating characters in the game. For those games with discussions so involving you end
up talking to the TV, we have given out this award. |
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Sexiest Game Character
Ever since Nintendo players saw TRON, there are a number of game characters
that people have noted as someone they would want to get on in case they ever get digitized. In this
titillating award presentation, we pick out five of the sexiest Nintendo stars and crown one with the Congratulation!
Award tiara. |
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Special Award
This is a special section devoted to an award for a game
that excelled in one area of achievement. There was only one nominee, so this isn't as prestigious as a normal Congratulation! Award. But since all recipients of these awards are either fictional characters or inanimate objects, it's not like it fucking
matters. |
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Most Screwed Up Game
No one plays a Nintendo game expecting reality, but there are some out there that
really make us question the mental state of the creators. A thin line does exist between nonlinear creative thinking and insanity. In this section we give a Congratulation! trophy
to the game that we think is the most likely to drive small children insane. |
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This kid is so RAD TO THE MAX! |
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