Totally cool.  Totally.  Damn, does he make the grade!

Welcome to the probably only annual Nintendo Congratulation! Awards. This is a special presentation that gives awards to Nintendo related stuff. For a lot of these things, it is the only opportunity they will ever have to actually win an award. Readers should also be warned not to take any of this too seriously, and children under the age of 12 are discouraged from reading since there are naked pictures of their mothers in most of the articles. Also, they grew up in the wrong decade and probably won't remember any of this crap anyway.
All nominees were carefully evaluated by myself and a number of judges. The judges prefer to remain anonymous, but I can guarantee that none of them are "Eric" from TV's Head of the Class. Also note that this page is in no way endorsed by "Eric," Nintendo, Sloppy Joe, or the Catholic church.
The judges were all selected for their keen observation abilities, lego building skill, and lack of anything better to do. That is why most of their decisions are completely uneducated, and often times, blatantly wrong.

Edge of your seat excitement.
Best Game Intro

All games need to give the player some sort of motivation for playing. Nobody's going to just pick up a controller and start hitting people without a girlfriend or president or something to save. That is why the intro to a game is so important, and why we are giving out this Congratulation! Award.
Please note: research shows that nobody really cares about the shitty plots that get summarized at the beginning of a video game.
Fantastic gameplay enhancers.
Best Nintendo Peripheral

During Nintendo's quest to create the biggest pile of plastic garbage, they released a number of frighteningly bad things you could plug into your NES. In this section, the judges and I tried our best to find the one deserving of a Congratulation! Award.
Will help you.  You of friend to me!
Most Helpful Game Character

Most magical and fantastic NES adventures require advice and tips from other game characters. And even though they hardly ever make any sense since Japanese programmers let their 6 year olds translate their games into English, the judges and I still thought we should give out this award.
That means that even YOU are a winner!

Wow.  This magazine looks super awesome.
Toughest Game Character

Although almost all NES game characters end up saving a planet and beating up things no normal human, duck, or little dinosaur could, there are a few that stood out as exceptional bad asses. This section of the Congratulation! Awards honors those game characters that you wouldn't want to pick a fight with.
Don't mess with Frog Suit Mario.
Best Dialogue

Some games have such good dialogue, you almost want to stop running around and shooting to sit down and talk to the fascinating characters in the game. For those games with discussions so involving you end up talking to the TV, we have given out this award.
I talk to this fountain at least 200 times per game.
Sexiest Game Character

Ever since Nintendo players saw TRON, there are a number of game characters that people have noted as someone they would want to get on in case they ever get digitized. In this titillating award presentation, we pick out five of the sexiest Nintendo stars and crown one with the Congratulation! Award tiara.
Oh, I'm putty in your hends, Lucky Lucy!

Earthbound is crazy.
Special Award

This is a special section devoted to an award for a game that excelled in one area of achievement. There was only one nominee, so this isn't as prestigious as a normal Congratulation! Award. But since all recipients of these awards are either fictional characters or inanimate objects, it's not like it fucking matters.
Is that Death?  Jesus!  I'm just a paper boy!
Most Screwed Up Game

No one plays a Nintendo game expecting reality, but there are some out there that really make us question the mental state of the creators. A thin line does exist between nonlinear creative thinking and insanity. In this section we give a Congratulation! trophy to the game that we think is the most likely to drive small children insane.
Totally tubular, dude.
This kid is so RAD TO THE MAX!

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