July 29th, 2002 - God Damn Robot Escapes|
The Robots Are Testing Us
Robot research is currently installing blood-sucking eel brains into machines and powering them with gastrointestinal motors that feed on flesh. And now they're giving them adaptable brains. To test how safe that sounds to you, rate the likelihood of you putting a baby down next to something like that. You should now either have a better understanding of the horrors of robots or be standing near the abandoned bonnet of a once non-eaten baby.
Every now and then, the robots have one of these "malfunctions" to test how we'll react. A few more cute, non-lethal robo-escapes like this, and we won't recognize the real attack until we're assembling rocket droids in the cybertron slave pits of Xor. And we couldn't have reacted worse this time. When this GAAK escaped from its combat pit to the parking lot, its inventor laughed with reporters, "Although they can escape, they are perfectly harmless." That's right, he said harmless. Linguistically, I can find no fault in his argument since according to the dictionary, "harmless," is defined as "an intelligent attack robot that cannot be contained." Don't get too mad at him for almost killing all of us, though. If I've learned anything from movies about evil robots, and I have, it's that inventors siding with their own sinister robots eventually get betrayed and pulled apart while screaming, "You can't do this to me! I created you! You are my perfect creatioaACCKK!"
Robots grow sassier and more intelligent by the day. We need to strike quickly and decisively. And while robot technicians were giggling at a press conference about how adorable fugitive killbots are, I was preparing a demonstration that would send a clear message to the robot community. That message is: don't fuck with humans.
I went to the store to buy the smartest robots available. For a total of about eighty dollars, I bought a walking robot, two robot babies, a robot cat, and a Shelby, which is basically a robot clam with hair on it. All of them were programmed to respond to stimuli, to feel a wide range of emotions, and to talk. I then gave myself five days to learn all I could from them.
Day 1: The Road to War
The first day was purely observational. I set them all on the floor and let them run free. All of them except the Shelby had some way to locomote themselves, but it soon became clear that the Shelby was in charge. It spoke a sort of toy dialect of English, and it's very, very scary how close to a fluent conversation someone can have with one. Of course, if someone's insane enough to talk to what honestly looked like a blinking cybernetic vagina, chances are they're not the world's greatest conversationalist. The other robots seemed more limited in their speech, and only let out beeps and nonsense words when they heard someone else talk. As you can imagine, with five robots screeching and whirring, this was often. They never shut up. That might be why I ended the day by hanging one of the babies by its neck from the ceiling and letting the others think about that while I slept with both eyes open.
In the middle of the night I decided that Hitler's corpse must have been raised from the dead and put in charge of manufacturing modern robot toys. Not one of these damn things had an off switch, and each time one of them decided to start talking, they would all wake up and join him in a screeching, beeping chat. Also, please believe me when I say this: twice during my sleep I swear I heard the Shelby say, "Cut the baby down, fleshbag."
Day 3: Drastic Measures
The Shelby's vocabulary was expanding by the hour. It was observing me as much as I was observing it. The other robots seemed to remain retardedly clumsy, probably because the Shelby was spending all of its time trying to trick me into revealing human secrets instead of training them. Worried that I would crack under its Hannibal Lecter mind games, and tired of the cacophonic harmony of their chirps, I trapped all the toys inside my refrigerator. Twenty minutes later, I went back and removed all the food items to prevent any plans they had to create a refrigerator-mounted jar cannon while they were in there.
Day 4: The Unbreakable Robot Will
The cold temperatures seemed to have some effect on the robot morale. They were slower and quieter than they had been, and the robot cat appeared to be completely offline. An hour later, the Shelby ordered it awake by singing "'Shelby' Coming 'round the Mountain!" and the five horrible things went right back into their beeping and waddling. If a public hanging and 10 hours in a frozen isolation chamber wasn't enough to break them, I knew that I had only one option left. One of them had to die.
Day 5: The Execution