If you think I found these pictures during an internet search for "fat chicks in funny hats," you're right.
February 25th, 1999 - UPDATE! The Chubby War Continues
As you may have read about in a previous article, the fat people of San Francisco have discarded their cheese dogs to form a combat group against oppression. They are still upset over the joke made by a fitness center about how aliens like to eat overweight Earthlings.
The food loving lobbyists are trying to make fatties a protected group, much like minorities and homosexuals. This is a great idea, since everyone knows how well these laws make people behave. In fact, it's such a good idea, ugly people and idiots have also began to push for protected status. If all their bills go through, all humor using these subjective groups as a target will be considered illegal. The world will fall into a dark age where underground comedy clubs tell black market jokes.
The repurcussions have already been felt as a Cleveland comic, Slappy Jackson began his stand up routine. He reportedly said, "Did you mother fuckers ever see a white guy dance? Them white mother fuckers are crazy! White guy be goin' into a club, and he be like all dacin' like a crazy mother fucker! Brothers be like 'god damn, you shitty dancer!" His routine was stopped short by a newly formed group of bad white dancers who found his jokes offensive and oppressive. They were, of course, kicked out of the club and spent the next day screaming incomprehensible things during a sadly small protest.
Experts speculate that the country of Poland, three priests in a rowboat, and penises will also be campaigning to become protected groups. Said beloved internet writer, Seanbaby, "I'm glad nobody votes, because if this shit became a law, that would be one more thing I could get arrested for." Seconds later, a team of government ninjas burst in through his window to try to arrest him. Luckily, Chuck Norris was getting his back hair braided by the neighbors and was able to defeat them. Seanbaby is still at large and two fat people have already started a 784 pound manhunt.
I found this in a fortune cookie before a fat person tore off my hand trying to eat it:

Fat people may soon be legally protected in San Francisco.
Prompted by an angry confrontation over "anti-fat" advertising by a local fitness club, the head of the city's Board of Supervisors has proposed adding overweight people to the list of those legally protected from discrimination.
"We're programmed to think it's funny, but it's not," Supervisor Tom Ammiano said as he directed the city's Human Rights Commission to look into drafting the protective legislation.
The protest, organized by self-described "fat advocate" Marilyn Wann, was aimed at demonstrating that overweight people were sick of being mocked and ridiculed.
"I represent the 97 million Americans who are fat. ... It's really not safe to alienate us, because we might just sit on someone," Wann said to cheers from the demonstrators, some of whom held signs reading, "Bite My Fat Alien Butt."
The 24 Hour Fitness billboard that sparked Wann's outrage features a leering alien face and the message "When they come, they will eat the fat ones first." The company has said it did not mean to offend anybody.
City officials said Ammiano's proposal was being seriously considered. San Francisco now bars discrimination on the basis of race, religion, color, age, ancestry, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity (a category created to protect transsexuals), disability or place of birth.
Marivic Bamba, executive director of the Human Rights Commission, told the San Francisco Examiner that adding fat people to the list would be relatively easy.
"We're certainly open to looking at it,'' she was quoted Thursday as saying. "It would fall under the issue of human rights, and it's not a bad idea, given the recent publicity over the issue."

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