Oxycise! Basic Premise: 1/10 Oxycise! is a fitness program for people who don't like high impact workouts. And when I say "high impact" I'm talking about moving any part of your body that might brush up against the air. It's a workout that's basically breathing in and out in ridiculous ways such as panting or panting while you're raising one of your hands. Besides actual movement or sweat, the back of the box (pictured right) claims there are NO boring diets involved, which is great news for people tired of going through the complicated and tedious process of building devices to keep their mouth from eating butter. Chair Dancing Basic Premise: 2/10 Chair Dancing is exactly what it sounds like. Insane people dancing in chairs, sometimes while holding paper plates. A woman named Jodi Stolove leads a team of specialized chair enthusiasts who range from beginners, or Level 1 Dancers, to the all stars of sitting, the Level 3 Dancers. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, but in general the Level 1 Dancers look like dumb asses and the Level 3 Dancers look like profoundly dumb asses. To imagine the music they dance to, picture a march song written by a tone-deaf homosexual cartoon character, which should put a strain on your imagination since then you have to picture the grim horror of a future world where music like it wouldn't be immediately made illegal and destroyed. Oxycise! Groundbreakingness: 8/10 At the beginning of Oxycise!, the inventor, Jill R. Johnson, tells us exactly how just breathing is the secret to losing weight. "So... if fat oxyidizes into carbon dioxide, then it only makes sense that you need to take in more oxygen in order to burn fat. How do you take in more oxygen? Well, the fitness industry would have you think that you need to run around a track, bounce up and down or jump in order to increase your oxygen intake. You don't have to. You really don't. Here's what you do. Breathe in. Breathe out. Try it with more intensity. You have just discovered an amazing new way to boost your oxygen intake." Boost your oxygen intake? Has she ever seen a fat person climb stairs? They suck in so much air that forest fires go out in Canada. And right before Jill tries to explain how the fact that breathing is good for you is being covered up by the Fitness Industry, or whoever else profits from you not breathing, she admits that her whole system is based on an untested theory that she, an obvious moron, came up with. She actually tries to describe to us how little chunks of fat windsurf out of your body while you exhale. That's the same kind of logic that made someone say, "If one Iron Eagle is great, then SEVEN Iron Eagles should get elected mayor!" Chair Dancing Groundbreakingness: 4/10 Chair Dancing seems to be very careful to never mention how their program will help you lose weight. Probably because fat cells can't leave your body through a chair or a paper plate. But Jodi is excited about how you can do it anywhere there's a chair. Plus, it's so easy, an entire family can do it together (as shown above). The family also acts as a good example of why we don't have despotic leaders anymore. Because anyone who had the power to would say, "Have these animals killed in full public view." Right when Chair Dancing starts to make you feel good about yourself for maybe not getting in shape but at least wiggling in your chair a little bit, it takes it all away by showing you that you're doing the same exercise routine as severely handicapped people. Or maybe that makes you heroic; it's not like I'm a graham cracker salesman or some other kind of expert on retarded people. See for yourself: On to Part Three Part One    Part Two    Part Three    Part Four    Seanbaby.com