Oxycise! Use of Science and/or Graphs: 9/10 Oxycise! is constantly showing you graphs to illustrate how breathing = you not being fat. As you can see from the graphic above, one arrow equals the oxygen going in, and follow along carefully, the other one is fat leaving your body. This is almost the exact same graph you'll see in Advanced Blink Yourself to Buns of Steel, and Randy Ballbanger's Nap Your Way to Fitness(!). I might have given their use of science and graphs a perfect 10 out of 10 score except for the cliché comparison shot of regular-sized people doing Oxycise! next to a clumsy porker riding a stationary bike. That couldn't be more played out if it was spoofing the Matrix. Take note though: Oxycise! burns over 50% more calories than something, which I'm assuming is "Not Breathing." Chair Dancing Use of Science and/or Graphs: 0/10 There is not one single chart or graph in Chair Dancing. It's almost as if no team of scientists ever lined up a group of sitting people in jumpsuits and made them pretend to be ducks. But that's crazy. Speaking of science, in the above photo from left to right: Beastor, Gayest Man in the World, The Flying Mummy, and Her Young Snack. I know law enforcers are busy. They have to protect our highways while still attending grueling training seminars that allow them to quickly determine which is the real Thundarr should the evil dark Thundarr appear and claim to be the real, actual Thundarr, but couldn't they take a day or two off from looking at secret motion pictures of Thundarr to abuse their power over the head of everyone responsible for Chair Dancing? Oxycise! Motivation: 6/10 Every few minutes during the video someone pops up to tell how Oxycise! helped them lose massive amounts of weight, lowered their stress levels, or performed various other miracles. They seem so sincere and happy it becomes hypnotic. You'll actually start to believe that breathing in and out is a healthier alternative to holding your breath with a mouth full of chocolate. And if you still need motivation to breathe, Jill tells you that smiling while you breathe helps work out your face muscles (below). It was at this point of the video where I realized that it wasn't an actual workout video, but a training tape for alien invaders wearing our flesh to learn human characteristics. aaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Chair Dancing Motivation: -8/10 Instead of testimonials from some of our nation's top chair dancers, all of the motivation comes in the form of a madwoman's affirmations. You'll have no idea if it's helping her get in shape, but you will know that she feels special. At one point while they're flailing their arms and pretending to play the trombone she announces, "We're very talented trombone players!" Which is laughable next to my accomplishments as a member of the intergalactic unicorn police. Anyway, later, when the Chair Dancers are imagining that they're ducks, Jodi says, "Flap those arms proudly! Proud to be YOU." Proud to be ME? Let me tell you something: if I could feel good about myself dressed like an Easter egg clapping paper plates together and pretending to play a trombone in an imaginary band, then I wouldn't need this tape. I'd need you to jam an electrical outlet up my ass so we could power the world's machinery with my endless happiness. This video really is 70 percent sitting and 30 percent gay encouragement about sunshine. If that bullshit really worked to get you fit, the people who sit and write Hallmark cards must be built like fucking tanks. Chair Dancing Video Spectacular! Video 1 - The dynamic voyage of chair dancing. From marchers to trombone players to magic airplanes to swimmers in under one minute. Video 2 - Chair Dancing becomes a test of your limits when these crazy fuckers inexplicably start singing. On to Part Four Part One    Part Two    Part Three    Part Four    Seanbaby.com