Oxycise! Coolness and Fashion: 0/10 I didn't know this before watching Oxycise!, but while you're breathing you should be wearing a tight leotard regardless of how you would make children panic and scream in it. And although Jill's tights received a disappointing score of zero by the Probe, it did win her the prize of "Worst Horrific Camel Toe" in the 50-and-Older age division. This scale of coolness might need some explaining. A 1 out of 10 here is the equivalent to the 35 year old men you see in the mall playing Pokemon cards with children that aren't theirs. A 10 out of 10 would be the equivalent of the coolest person in the world who I imagine would have an eyepatch and say "Let's rock n' roll!" before he did anything. Chair Dancing Coolness and Fashion: 0/10 According to the video, you should always CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR before you CHAIR DANCE. As if a doctor could write out a note that would excuse any of the SHAME AND HUMILIATION that GOES ALONG WITH IT. Personally, my doctor gave me full permission to play invisible flutes and sit, but never told me what I should wear. Judging from the video, CHAIR DANCING should never EVER be attempted unless you're dressed like a LUNATIC COLOR CRAYON. There are hundreds of ways to work out, but some are lamer than others. For example, a kickboxer will get laid 7 times faster than a synchronized swimmer, and 956 times faster than a person who thinks breathing is a workout. And let's not insult numbers by describing how rarely a Chair Dancer gets laid. Fitness videos are everywhere today and I'm sure some of them are helping people get into shape. You can spot a graduate of Billy Blanks' Tae Bo, because they'll be the one crushing ninja heads on a top secret karate mission. And you can spot a graduate of a Richard Simmons program because they'll be the beanbag sitting next to him crying about how they used to be an even larger, sloppier beanbag. But the only way you can tell someone is a successful graduate of Oxycise! is that they can walk around without randomly suffocating. Chair Dancing graduates are easier to spot, since they can wave a paper plate at you without falling out of their seat. Another sure sign they Chair Dance is that growling in the pit of your soul that demands you must destroy them. As a final score, both tapes get the lowest fitness video rating I've ever given: FUCKING SAD. The thing is, if the only workout you can do is sit and breathe, you're not three months away from getting into your bikini. I don't know how much help you need, but it's more than your VCR is ready to give. Under the best circumstances, sitting might lose you five pounds. And going from 500 to 495 isn't going to do anything more than cut a few days off of your survival if you're stranded on the high seas. Back to the Probe Back to Seanbaby.com Part One    Part Two    Part Three