October 24th, 1999 - Stupid Lawsuit of the Day
Frivolous lawsuits have a new example to live up to. WhatsHappenin.com, a news and portal site with a stupid name, sued a similar website for infringing on its trademark. They claim a Spanish site, Quepasa.com confuses consumers because it means the same thing after you translate it [change a couple words, take off a g, and stick your melon fucking head in the god damn meat grinder because YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD].

The slime covered lawyer for tragically handicapped WhatsHappenin.com, Michael Spadaccini, said in a statment, "The case asks a simple question: Does a Spanish-language trademark for an Internet Web site infringe upon its English-language equivalent?" In an Answer Response, Internet Web site owner, Human Seanbaby Answer Responded with a new simple Question Inquiry: "Your statement asks an Easy Simple question: How does someone stupid enough to ask a question like that actually form the sentence to do it, you fucking ass monkey?" He then rallied the crowd into storming Congress and demanding the litigating party be put on a special Jettison list, and should we ever need to fire excess garbage into space for any reason, they will be dressed in prom dresses, tied to the outside of the space ship, and be given a new home on a giant trash heap in the stars.

Later, after threatening to sue us, the space program, and our garbage, WhatsHappenin.com's lawyer, Michael Spadaccini, also mentioned he is planning on suing "a number of Italian pastas that are illegally similar to my [gay] last name."
And what of the people that have heard of this case, and are severely traumatized? Who will pay for their pain? Obviously, all responsibility for this frivolous lawsuit falls on the shoulders of no other than Rerun and Shirley, co-stars of TV's What's Happening.




The main difference between HowWeDoinToday.com and QuePasa.com, besides the barely mentionable different language thing, is that QuePasa.com's advertising is made up exclusively by Ricky Martin banners. That's not a joke. I'm fucking serious. 		WhatsHappenin.com said that they and Quepasa.com offer similar services and could be confused by users. Unless those people can spot the differences between the languages known as English and Spanish. But to the credit of WhatsHappenin.com, none of their staff can read, so it would have been impossible for them to be aware of this detail.

When Sally Abel, a fucking domain-name trademark specialist, was asked if they had a case, she joked, "Creo que no." Whatshappenin.com's lawyers took this as slander after mistranslating it to mean, "Your Breath Smells Like Ass, Rimmers." And on a specialist note, classic German automobile hubcap expert, Nicholas Schroeder, says you should always clean classic hubcaps with a "non abrasive rag." He was later sued by the website, ScratchyDoucheBag.com, for trademark violation, who themselves were later sued by vagina.com for not providing the freshness promised.

The extremely overspecialized Miss Abel explained, "I don't see them as being sites that are going to confuse consumers as to where they are -- which is the essence of trademark infringement," she said. And while not lawyers, visitors to the two sites said, "duh."

However, WhatsHappenin.com's lawyer, Spadaccini was more wordy with his counter argument. "Both sites answer the question 'what's happening?' They're not exactly the same, but they're using the mark as we use it." And in a dangerously sueable move, the Probe has created this page that flagrantly and candidly answers the question "What's Happening?"

Special News Regarding the effect of the battle on this website:
In a spinoff legal battle, Jesus.com is suing Seanbaby.com saying, "Seanbaby has no right to take away the Lord's trademark of having his name screamed during sex. We are demanding Seanbaby.com, fuckme.com, and fuckmeharder.com all pay damages of $58 million and make immediate name changes while we make further legal investigations."

Wired News reported on this case in an article they called "the battle of the What's-Ups," hailed as "clever" by people that think they are. In contrast, my first title choice was "WhatsHappenin.com = GodDamnIdiots.com" until I decided it would be dangerous to be so slanderous in an article. (Update! After only half a can of beer, the Seanbaby Probe discovered that the law firm representing WhatsHappenin.com drinks from toilets. After finishing the beer, my research showed that they wanted to kick off the head of their dog and have sex with its body if only they had legs and hadn't already sold their dog to buy a turtle they killed during sex.)

In Wired's article, they said, "The case could set a domain-name precedent, since the registration process currently has no safeguards to protect Web sites from competitors acquiring foreign language equivalents." This is already in effect, and evidentally, the programmers of the safeguard have a sense of humor. When I tried to register the domain name GrandeFag.com for my new Spanish home improvement forum, it told me "I'm sorry. The domain name GrandeFag.com would be an illegal foreign language equivalent trademark infringement of Seanbaby.com." Ha ha, assholes. How do you explain me fucking your female turtles?
Yeah, I guess I do look like a Grande Fag. But at least I'm too cute to sue.
Four minutes after posting this article, the HowsItGoin.com lawyers drove up to my apartment and took everything I own, claiming I was in trademark violation of my exgirlfriend's site, "Sean'sBaby.com: a Tribute to This Fatherless Bastard." This is the last update I will ever be able to make.