May 2nd, 2001 - Technologically Advanced Toilets Make Their First Move The world was already warned about super bathrooms. For the convenience of hand-sensing sinks and urinals that know when you're done peeing, we're sacrificing our right to not be killed. Any day, one of these toilets is going to turn on us. And who could blame them? What kind of evil bastard would give a device self-awareness only to defecate in it? The last thing you want is for the thing you're filling with shit to have any idea what shit is. It's first sentient thought is going to be, "Life is a black hole of despair. Plus, I MUST KILL." The day when the toilets strike has finally arrived. In the UK, a 51 year old woman, Maureen Shotton, was trapped by a bathroom stall's automated door locks. The toilet held her against her will for two hours before she was rescued by fire men. They had to remove a part of the roof to get her out. That's two hours alone with her own waste, surrounded on all sides by electronic toilet treachery. And here's her life now: Psychiatrist: "Good afternoon, Maureen. How are you feeling today?" Maureen: "I have not relieved myself in 15 days." Psychiatrist: "I see. What do you think that means?" Maureen: "Soon I will explode. A better fate than rotting in a shit-stenched jail cell." Psychiatrist: "Maureen... perhaps you could POOP IN MY MOUTH!" Maureen: "Wha-? No! They got to you! You're one of them! A toilet!" Some say the answer to our bathroom problem is installing a security camera to monitor the criminal activity of toilets. Others say the answer is masturbating to movies of people peeing on those security cameras. Some people in favor of electronic toilet conveniences, like no-armed people who enjoy peeing, might say this incident was a malfunction, and not a deadly first strike. That's possible. Maybe it accidentally switched itself to IRREVERSABLY LOCKED mode. That's not good news either. What happens when it accidentally switches itself to BABY SEARCH AND ELIMINATE mode? Or worse, DOOR LOCKING ACCESS DENIED -- WIDE OPEN DOOR MODE ENGAGED. Automated toilet door locks were a brilliant idea. We're already excited that sinks get to decide what temperature of boiling water we wash our hands in, or thank God hand dryers can choose not to dry our hands and make that tough decision for us. But door locks. Do we really want toilets deciding on how much privacy we get when we take a crap? According to the mad scientist toilet manufacturers, yes. And toilets, if you're reading this, put me down for "lots." Automated toilet door locks are still pretty rare, but in case they spread and all stalls can choose to lock against your will, shouldn't there at least be a manual open switch just in case the person using the toilet could, in an emergency, press a switch? I'm worried especially because of how pointless the toilet's attack was. Holding a woman captive for a couple hours isn't going to do much more than make sure that woman never ever goes to the bathroom in public again. The toilets are just fucking with us, softening us up for some kind of super strike. I imagine the United Nations has amazing, superior toilets so advanced they automatically give visiting diplomats haircuts and colon exams. For an example, see our American ambassador to Canada on the right, being dominated by Toilet X. What happens when two or three world leaders need restroom colon exams at the same time? I'll tell you what-- the toilets will hold all the cards. We'll have no choice but to turn over all the authority of the world's government to them, if they don't have it already. So you better puke in your toilet while you can, because there's no way it's letting you do that when it's president of the world. On to Part 2 -- Doomsayers Demand Attention