Now that I have science's attention, I want to know why you assholes put the brain of an eel inside a robot. Why the only animal brain that instincively sucks blood and fires electricity? Why not the brain of something less dangerous like a fire-breathing crocodile or Joseph Stalin? Then maybe you could attach a power drill to its face and hire it out to daycare centers. Or better yet, save yourself some time and just coat the Earth with butter flavoring and release the fat people. Eels are the number one animal called by Aquaman for the purposes of radical combat. It's science fact (see Figure D.) Four or five electric eels can take out a badly drawn submarine, kill monsters from other planets, or untangle Aquaman from seaweed. Yay, eels! But they're not going to so well behaved around you guys. The only reason the eels don't kill Aquaman is because he can hypnotize them with fishmind rays. And I'm going to take a wild guess about you scientists-- you don't have fishmind rays, do you? Figure D.  The good news about all this is that it's a crappy cyborg. The brain dies in a few days, which is at least a day or two before it becomes aware of the horror it's been turned into, and the only thing it really does is turn in the direction of light and go towards it. Which is creepy and weird, yes, but currently poses no threat to our human karate defenders. Skeptic Speak-Out Corner: When some non-scientists, such as me, hear that the brain quickly dies they say, "Great. Then we get a ZOMBIE eel cyborg, unkillable because it's already dead." Don't assume I'm right about this, but it's illegal for you to build a nuclear hand grenade. And up until now, that's been a good law. But if we can't build a nuclear hand grenade, why should some Chicago fuckers be allowed to build a walking dead super cyborg? Now President, you have two choices-- you can either criminalize the building of deadly robots, or let me build a nuclear hand grenade. Because I'm not fighting off Eel Doomsday with an assertive voice; not all of us have secret president escape planes. 
In one interview with the inventor, he said the next step was, "getting it to learn." Science-buddy, eels have had millions of years to learn, and they've decided that their purpose in life is not building bridges of friendship and enlightenment. They've spent the last millions of years figuring out the most effective ways to blast you with electricity, poke a hole in you, and drink your fucking blood. How are you geeks going to convince them to use their new robot bodies to help us? You can't even have sex with a girl without pretending she's the black chick on Star Trek. (see right, although note: picture of black chick from Star Trek not available. That's Captain Kirk and Abraham Lincoln (Inset: black chick from Star Trek.).)I did a search online to see if I could learn more about lamprey eels and how their minds might freak out from inside a moving tin can. No useful information was available on the subject, but I was happy to find a group of freedom fighters already devoted to killing lamprey eels. They are The Great Lakes Fishery Commission Sea Lamprey Control and Sea Lamprey Barrier Task Force. They formed [The Great Lakes Fishery Commission Sea Lamprey Control and Sea Lamprey Barrier Task Force] because after lampreys were introduced to the great lakes, they started sucking all the organs out of the fish. Science Showcase: the great lakes are 70% feces and 35% toxic waste. If you can kill a fish that's tough enough to live in that, you're going to be able to rip through human flesh like it was kitten.
"They [lampreys] feed by biting their victims, fastening themselves by their sphincter-like mouths. Once attached, the lamprey begins to drain blood on the next and successive rounds. The rate of blood drain is equivalent to 2 hit points... Sea lampreys are especially susceptible to fire, making their saving throws against fire-based spells with a -2 penalty." I tried to translate this information from whatever-language-it's-in to Real with the help of local science-related places. And according to my limited research of calling the post office and Chinese restaurants, science does not know how many hit points of blood the average human body can afford to lose. Or if they do, the answer is so shocking they have to hang up the phone really rudely. And don't keep calling back to ask about the -2 penalty saving throws against fire-based spells unless you want to spend the afternoon talking to the county sheriff, who if you ask me, is covering for the eels. Back to the Probe Part 1 - Part 2 - Seanbaby.com |
