Febrary 12th, 1999 - Crap Collector Promises to Return with Crap in 5 Years Six days after the launch of the STARDUST space probe, American taxpayers shake their head in disbelief at the pile of junk they shot into space. The $165.6 million probe is now beginning its five year mission to collect dust from the end of a comet. This will be done by sticking up a tennis racket shaped ice cube tray while flying through it. Scientists currently have no technology to extract the dust from this complicated device, but that doesn't matter since they don't expect it to make it back to Earth anyway. And even if by some miracle it does, the sample-return capsule isn't good enough to keep the sample from getting contaminated by Earth particles. So scientists would have similar results if they were to bring a portion of their cat's litter box to the lab. A crafty homeless man snuck into NASA's main office and pitched his idea of a highly trained monkey in a bathtub with an outboard engine. Then the monkey would open a glass jar while flying through the comet and close it quickly afterwards. The plan was considered with great enthusiasm, but after adding up the cost of the jar with the bathtub, the NASA accountants realized the $160 million tin foil refrigerator with the tennis racket was less expensive. Then they adjourned to their intense lifestyle of fast cars and sexy women.