Be warned that the amount of female empowerment represented on this page may cause you to lose the ability to fix a car or spit. It's a page dedicated to my unnervingly cute girlfriend, Joyce. This is us on our way to a bar we eventually got kicked out of. They had some sort of rule limiting the amount of sequins, body glitter, and glamor a couple can have. But instead of burning it down like I wanted to, Joyce suggested we sneak back in disguised as David Bowie and a muppet. Her plan worked until the sock she had jammed in her tights fell out and our secret was discovered.

Joyce and I met in college at a Halloween party and she thought I was cool since I was dressed like Michael Jackson and knew the words to an Abba song. At least that's what she tells me. I spent the first 3 hours of the party doing a handstand on a keg and heard about the first few months of our relationship second hand. I wasn't her first love; to the left is a picture of one of her many ex-boyfriends. He used to come over to her house at night when he was drunk and start smashing big blocks of ice with his head. He always brought a funny little team of motivational midget weight lifters that would help him serenade her with songs from Bloodsport. "Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! I'll fight to survive!!!!" I always wondered how I could compete with something like that. Then I read a book on male and female interactions, and it said that that's not how you bag chicks. I guess we all had a lot to learn back then.

"And like a super trooper, beams are gonna blind you. Shining like the sun. Smiling having fun. Feeling like a number one." These are four of her friends to the right. They did become singers for awhile, but this picture was taken when they worked as house painters. They stop by every couple of weekends to sing songs with Joyce until their fucking lyrics finally cause me to snap. Last week I threw the one with the Luke Skywalker hair through a window. Then I locked the other three in the bathroom for a couple days. When I opened it, they had eaten the blonde girl. I was later attacked by the SSALA (Swedish Society that Actually Likes Abba). That's why I can't whistle.

We're pretty sure that when they were both still alive, Rob and Fab were the ones making obscene phone calls to Joyce in the middle of the night. Sometimes they would just breathe hard and other times they tried to trick us into thinking they were Gary Coleman by ramming the phone against their crotch and screaming like a seagull. I didn't get the logic in that either, but they were pretty strung out. Joyce was flattered that Rob took time away from his busy prison bitch schedule to call her. Once they did actually perform "Blame it on the Rain" for her over the phone, but they ended up getting in a fight about whose butt looked better in white spandex. Joyce giggled and hung up, knowing the song would be stuck in her head for days.

You might have seen Joyce on Space Ghost Coast to Coast recently. She was on right after Lee Majors. And it was a screwed up interview even for that show. Here's a transcript: Space Ghost:"Please welcome my next guest. You might know her from her boyfriend's stupid homepage, Joyce!" Joyce:"Hi! *giggle!*" Space Ghost:"Awwww! You are just the cutest! Isn't she the cutest, Zorack?" Zorack:"I would like some gum." Space Ghost:"Ha ha! I want my own garage with a fondue bowl! Joyce, are you still there? Moltar! Bring back Joyce!" Moltar:"Hey, fuck off."

When she wasn't being interviewed by 70's cartoon stars, she searched the deadly countryside of Puerto Rico for the elusive Chupacabra. By piecing together clues from discarded treasure maps and tourism pamphlets, she quickly discovered that this sucker of goats loves peanut butter and Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam. After only one package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a sexy performance of "Head to Toe," she was able to capture a live specimen. It was much smaller than she expected, but the two became close friends. It spends most of its time trying to frighten her, and sometimes she'll be polite and pretend to be scared. But most times she just laughs and puts the little creature in her pocket to play with later.

Joyce just got her advertising degree, and hopes to someday create a campaign as popular as the Lard Information Council's. She invented some of their new tag lines including "Lard Belongs in Your Tummy" and "Eat Lard, you Whore!" After hearing these ideas, she was immediately hired by an Indonesian soy bi-product company to promote their guacamole flavored beer. If anyone can do it, it's Joyce. And in case you haven't figured it out, clicking on any Power Puff Girl you see on this page will lead you to a secret bonus advertisement!

After years of being stuck with me as a boyfriend, Joyce has started to almost like video games. Her favorites are the adorable heart filled ones like Bubble Symphony. She isn't great at them, and spends most of her time dying after taking both hands off the controller to clap at how cute the little monsters are. Then she forgets the game is on and runs over to climb on me like I was a tree.

Download Joyce's Favorite Video Games Icon Collection! File size: 32,768 bytes. Collected here are the icons I made for all of the games Joyce likes to play. They're all 256 colors, and look best when you set your machine to 48x48 size icons. You get the cutest of all icons for: Blue's Journey, Bubble Bobble 1 & 2, Bubble Memories, Bubble Symphony, Chiki Chiki Boys, Cleopatra's Fortune, Congo Bongo, Coryoon, Crystal's Pony Tale, Earthworm Jim 1 & 2, Joy Joy Kids, Jr. Pacman, Liquid Kids, Magical Drop 3, Mappy Land, Mr. Do's Wild Ride, Ms. Pacman, Parasol Stars, Parodius, Puchi Carat, Puzzle De Pon!, Rainbow Islands, Snow Brothers, Sparkster, Super Mario Bros. 1 & 2, Teddy Boy Blues, Adventures of Lolo 1 & 2, The Tick, Theme Park, Trog, and a Bubble Symphony Background.

"Hola. My name is Antonio Banderas, an actor. I have given up my silly wife of Melanie Griffith to dance a passionate dance for Joyce. Uh! Yeah. Do it! Uh! Uh! Quien es tu padre?"

In case you wanted to know what page of mine is Joyce's favorite, she finally decided on the Super Friends Page. Sometimes she watches with me, but she doesn't get quite as into it as me. I usually end up yelling insults at the television until our neighbor calls the cops on us.

What really brings Joyce and I together is our love for the Spice Girls. I'm sure we like them for different reasons... but regardless of each other's motivation, you can usually catch us dancing to them if you burst through our door without knocking. So smile and send Joyce some email at joycem@wb32tv.com! Click some spice tits to go back to the page about me.