|
|
101 FACTS ABOUT MOBILE PHONES
When you're on the number 12 and the bloke behind you suddenly shouts, "I'M ON THE BUS! I'M ON THE BUS!", he's either extolling life's simple pleasures, or talking on his mobile. It might be futuristic and no bigger than a pea (do not lodge in ear canal to prevent from deafness), or it might be a gyppo one almost too big to fit through the bus door, with
buttons so huge he has to nut them with his head - the size of your phone depends on how much you're prepared to spend. For additional fees you can send email and do telephone banking with your phone, but you can shove it up your arse at no extra cost.Different types of phone The term "hands free" is misleading. You'll only have one hand free because you'll want to draw attention to the mike on your tie clip, so it doesn't look like you're talking to the voices in your head. Now you just look like you're talking to your tie. About the stock exchange.
Case study 1: "Big Jim" I know someone whose phone went through the washing machine. We'll call him Big Jim, 'cause that's his name. When he phoned the helpline to see if he could get it fixed, he got transferred to a dozen different people, all of whom made the same great joke about how you're supposed to put washing powder in the washing machine, not a mobile phone! Boh! Happily, it started working again once it dried, plus the gravy, wine and semen stains had all disappeared without a trace! Case Study 2: "The Mystery of the Spooky Phone" Mikey thought there was something wrong with his mobile because he could hardly hear what people were saying, but the mystery was solved when he realised that the problem only occured just after phoning me. You see, during our conversations he turns the volume right down to avoid being deafened, and then forgets to turn it up again. I'm often unfairly accused of talking too loudly. At least, I think that's what they're saying - you can't expect me to lip-read and shout at the same time.
It wasn't so much the peer pressure as a Super Furry Animals song that finally inspired me to buy a mobile. I chose a Tokia, a bargain at only two of your earth quid. I was trying for hours last night to get through to my mum. No matter what I dialed, I got diverted to some kind of crazy bitch operator. Before I could ask her anything she would put a dog and a bird on the line, who sang a hip-hop nursery rhyme before hanging up on me. I think Dr Evil got pissed off after the 2000th rousing woof/tweet rendition of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm", because this morning he gave me a cup of "toffee", maliciously exploiting my vulnerable pre-breakfast mental state. Mmm - *cough* d'oh! Hoist with my own petard!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! >:I Obesity, breakfast and dead kittens Messing with my head first thing in the morning is like shooting fish in a barrel, except more evil. It's like shooting crippled, unarmed kittens in a barrel after borrowing a fiver off them and promising to pay it back. Things went even further downhill after the toffee - I masochistically watched a breakfast TV interview with family of fat nudists eating fried eggs, I had to sit next to a badly shaven ape on the bus to work, and when I arrived the receptionist showed me a really gross sore on her arm. In conclusion, I'd rate mobile phones 3 out of 5, where 5 is a must-have and 1 is a moust-ache. Back to the Ro Zone |
