|
RAAHHHRRR! Link to the Ro Zone with this graphic!
 |
Are you sitting comfortably? Considering you're tied to a chair? Then I will tell you all my secrets in an "oh, just one more thing, I'm not one to boast, but I'll just tell you this and then I'm REALLY going to kill you," sort of way so that you have time to work out how to escape. Although I should warn you that there's a big rocket aimed at your head. It looks a lot like a cock and it's attached to my arm. Because I am... international supervillain. |
Johnny Tourettes Birdwatching Corner"It's a fucking Herring Gull, you cunt." |
 "PHLEGM" (30/4/00) In desperation, I added Absinthe to unpleasantly pulpy pineapple juice. It renders the drinker profoundly phlegmatic. An apt but undesirable result. Does not put the "cock" into "cocktail". Or the "tail". "TOFFEE" In the art gallery café, an artistic rapture overcame me. As if possessed, I mixed together coffee and tea into a concoction I called "toffee". Not very refreshing, this beverage tasted like dirt. Then I saw a little robin red breast! "PEAS" With some time to kill before Austin Powers started, I contrived to divert myself by dipping my sweet popcorn into my companion's cheese nacho dip. We named this delicacy "peas". The result was unpalatable. |
1) Planning world domination
Some super villains like to use chess boards, but I'm shit at chess. And so not only to plan but to keep track of my movements, I use Monopoly boards in conjunction with a Guess Who set. This way I can keep track of who I've bumped off and where my various gangs are currently operating. I have three Monopoly sets: the London version, the Edinburgh version and the Pokemon version. Obviously it would really help if I had a "your puny Earth" Monopoly set but hey, I've got two capitals already and the Pokemon one is really cute.2) Interrogation techniques My best techniques were inspired by my brothers, then aged 7 and 13. They were tussling on the sofa and the younger one suddenly said, "Push and pull my head". The older one obliged and grabbed the little one's head, and started shaking it violently. Afterwards, I said, "What the fuck was that about?" He replied, "Oh, it's just like when I say, "Kick and tickle me". Wasn't really enlightened, but recruited him as chief interrogator in view of his exceptional ingenuity. "You won't talk, eh? Right. Make him eat another spitty biscuit, and then push and pull his head while I turn my eyelids inside out at him!". I get most of my other ideas from cartoons. So, if you ever see someone shaped like a concertina, or someone whose head has been blowtorched in such a way as to make them look like Al Jolson, you know who they've been messing with. Other methods I have used: trap subject in a giant shaky snowstorm toy with a scary faced snowman (extreme cases) sleep deprivation crossed with Marty McFly's walkman trick - tape used is looped Bubble Bobble theme tune, top volume. The repeated emotional rollercoaster of the music, its progression from tragic "Save my girlfriend!" to triumphant "You can do it if you believe you are a fat dinosaur!" has them weeping and at your mercy within a few hours. |
|
3) Cohorts: I can't reveal most of them, but it's generally known that the mad people of York work for me from time to time. Examples: The Nose - a "care in the community" victim who has a different nose every day: fluffy ladybird, tennis ball etc. The Rock Star - he has Down's Syndrome and plays deadly air guitar outside the video shop. Bit of a loose cannon - pounds his colleagues with his tennis racket, sorry, fender telecaster, quite a lot during meetings. Sag-ass Pete - strange mute guy, the Goonie that time forgot, never to be seen without his trademark antique hand held computer game that's the size of a housebrick. He uses it to plan all our battle formations, and to cave people's skulls in. The woman with orange peel teeth. |
Johnny Tourettes Birdwatching Corner"House Sparrow, dickballs!" |
 Johnny Tourettes Birdwatching Corner "Male Frigate Bird. Shove it in your cuntrag, bloody shitlick!"  Ro's Quick-Look Film Review "Eat THIS after midnight you bug-eyed lump of arse fluff." |
Rosy Rockets – the myths exploded. 1)Her favourite Monkee is Mike, not Davey.  2)She does not cause tooth decay, in fact quite the opposite. Her appearance produces, in her admirers, copious amounts of saliva, which helps to prevent gum disease.  3) Her first rocket was steam powered, and it’s widely believed that she moved on via traditional means of firepower to eco-friendly methods like Doc Emmett Brown’s Delorean. However, we have been informed by her aides that the rocket is fuelled by love!
|
Fast fact: For her rocket to wipe out an entire nation, say, China, she would need special stimulation - for instance, this animated gif:
You can party! For fun! …The Capcom way! Dance in the style of a
character repeatedly failing to perform a complex special move. Seduce someone using only E. Honda
grunts (esp. “Hoom-hooey!”) and Chun Li crotch-flashing special moves. During sex it’s best to borrow lines from Namco’s Soul Calibur. “This rod will be your doom!” “Scream! Haven’t you had enough?” “Justice will prevail! Just kidding!” Pick your own victory stance to finish with.
