Above: The Learn the art of Dancing Dirty case. Note the carefully Swayze-like model. Not pictured: The many, many legal disclaimers pleading for the movie Dirty Dancing to not sue them.

Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty, 1988 If you ever wanted to learn how to dance dirty, but can't stand Patrick Swayze, there's good news for you. Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty, 1988 is an instructional video that has nothing to do with Patrick Swayze, showing you erotic dance moves with the help of two creepy "Dance Instructers" Felix and Marla. And when I say creepy, I mean it. These people couldn't make your skin crawl more if they were covered in hissing spiders dressed like Dracula. The one and only song they dance to sounds like someone just hit the "Atomically Crappy Bossanova" beat button on their 1983 Casio keyboard. It honestly could not be worse if the keyboard grew robot arms and started stabbing you. Please be understanding with me, because there is no way I can describe how god damn awful this damn song is. Lucky for you, its writer, Kirt Miller, did a pretty good job of capturing its horror when he named it "SKEEEEN YAAAAH." That's right. SKEEEEN motherfucking YAAAAH. Before the instruction starts, the makers of Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty warn you that you should consult your doctor before you start it or any other dance program. Also, while the producers and performers offer many unique ways to rub yourself against other people, they disclaim any liability for your injury. And while you should always listen to the medical advice of perverts, if you need to call your doctor to make sure you're medically able to grind your pelvis against someone, please don't learn the art of dancing dirty. Because if you're so old or out of shape that this or any other dance program might injure you, the people that will really need a doctor are the ones unlucky enough to see your nasty ass try this in public.

THE BASIC STEPS You can't begin simulated sex on the dance floor without knowing the basic steps. Step left, together, right, together, and repeat. The video devotes five minutes to showing you how to do this, going so far as having the "instructers" separate and do it in slow motion. They couldn't afford the extravagance of real slow motion effects so the dancers have to do it themselves by pumping their asses as slowly as possible. This might be stupid and awkward, but you'll soon learn that it's useful as a signalling device. As soon as the slow motion instructions begin, steel yourself. Because the camera WILL zoom in and get a tight three-shot of Felix's two buns and his one very apparent panty line, and you better be fucking ready for that. Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "Stand erect, relaxed, and close to each other, with ffuullll body contact... you can use cheek to cheek at this point. And ffuullll body contact." Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: Christ Jesus fuck that's disgusting.

THE FIGURE EIGHT If you can imagine both of your zippers getting caught on the same toy car travelling around a figure 8 race track, you should have a good idea of what this move looks like. But to imagine what this move looks like when Felix and Marla do it, you need to imagine that the people with their groins stuck together look like they're about to eat each other. Their closeups get really uncomfortable... the eye contact never stops, and both their mouths are clenched into demonic interminable fake grins so clamped closed that it looks like they're each barely containing a mouthful of angry writhing insects.

On to Part Two:
The Circle, The Rag Doll, The Basic Dip, and The Wave

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