THE AFRO TILT This is a move where the dancers face their hips towards each other and both pretend they're a butter churn. The nasally narrator says at the beginning of its demonstration, "The Afro Tilt.... thiiis is possibly the most familiiiar movement that couples know... riiight?" The narrator is Satan. The Afro Tilt should be called SWEET LORD MY EYES ARE BURNT, KILL ME. No part of this can any longer be called dancing. This is two half-monster forty-somethings blatantly humping one another through their clothes. And someone should have told the narrator that we are way, way fucking past the point of coy references to sex. By now, viewers have figured out that all this crotch pounding might have something to do with intercourse. It couldn't be any more lewd if a giant syrup-covered vagina flew in and screamed "STICK IT IN!" Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "The arms and hands can travel all over the body as desired. Improviiise." Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: After seeing these beasts grab each other's beast parts at the same time you hear a voice say some creepy shit like that, the only thing you're going to have to improviiiise is every attempt at an erection for the rest of your life.

THE SPANISH DRAG This one is pretty easy. Pull the lady up onto one of your legs and use the inside of your pants as a condom. It may be necessary for viewers at this point to put their hands over their eyes and hide under something until they're done crying because if you're strong enough to sit through this one, then thanks for reading this video review, Bruce Willis. Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "Now you're close enough to kiss, or to bite each other on the neck! Use your imagination!" Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: If I was good at using my imagination, this video would be two underage cheerleaders and not a couple of horrible shaved Bigfoots biting each other on the neck.

THE SWEETHEART POSITION The Sweetheart Position is named that because you stand behind the woman and paw at her boobs. The narrator, always ready to help us stay out of jail, reminds us that we should only let our hands fall on areas that she allows. Of course, if you've let someone ram their balls into you for 30 minutes and you don't want his hand to brush across your chest, you're sending out some seriously mixed signals, lady. All I know is that if I was a woman and I've been letting you pound any part of your body against my beautiful flower for the better part of an hour, nothing you think of to do with your hand is going to surprise me.

ROLL OUT/ROLL IN Whatever they want to call this, it should be illegal. It's the same basic humping, only she's inverted with her legs spread while you mop the floor with her hair. I guess by this point it might be necessary since if you've done the previous steps correctly, the floor should be pretty well covered in fluids by now. Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "If [this step] isn't done right, you both might hit the floor." Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: If you've gotten this far into the instructional video with your partner and the two of you haven't already taken it to the floor, you need to stop rehearsing the art of dancing dirty with your sister.

On to Part Four:
The Backward Walk, Neck Oversway, Leg Slides, and Put it all Together

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