By popular demand, here's the entire classic Super Friends Page before I rewrote everything and made it all prettier. If you don't care about the fascinating history of Super Friends jokes, you can go back to the current one.
Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Super Man. A guy who talks to fish. A monkey. And the most uneducated writers in America. The most powerful forces of madness ever assembled. These are the Super Friends.
It started pretty painfully. Before the days of Lex Luthor and his Legion, the Super Friends were just Super Man, Wonder Woman and a team of four people with no super powers (five if you count Aquaman), and a dog in a cape. Also note that three of those powerless people trying to save the world were too young to make it into an R-rated movie. And seeing as Wonder Woman spends most of her time exclaiming "Great Hera!" and every super villain out there has some kryptonite, you'll find that this team spends more time teaching us valuable lessons through their wacky kid sidekicks than they do stopping evil.|
But even fighting along side the embarrassments to justice that were Marvin, Wendy, and Wonder Dog, the villains in the first season were still pretty easily defeated. Mostly because they were old men with cats or things the G.E.E.C. computer. Sometimes the writers would throw in some danger like a giant squid or an out of control submarine to try to trick us into thinking Aqua Man was useful, but those times are rare, and we're most often forced to watch Wonder Dog and Marvin get into mischief. Not innocuous mischief like when you lit your house on fire in the third grade, but things along the lines of: "What's in this radioactive monster containment room, Wonder Dog? Jeepers! Let's open it!" "Ro-kay! Ruff!"
Their alarm system was called the Trouble Alert. One season it was called the TroubAlert with a little (tm) after it. Evidently, there are a lot of Trouble Alert communication terminals, because the Super Friends get messages on it like, "Super Friends, me and the 11 people of my village are being attacked by killer bees!" With transmissions
like this coming through, it's a wonder they ever have time to play Aqua Man dunk tank.
For the most part, this page will be devoted to the heroes and villains that caused thousands of children to fail physics class. Each character will introduce themselves, and then I will talk about them. Besides all the standard
ridicule, I will describe my favorite scene involving them, and give them a Super Rating. This is on a scale of 1 to 10 that will be the sum of that hero or villain's superness. And if you doubt my credentials, I recently received a Bachelor's
degree in Skipping Class to Watch Cartoons.
"Sounds like the Trouble Alert! Did somebody put Marvin in the garbage disposal again? I thought we fixed it to not tell us about that anymore."
"I will start. My flawless computerized mind has devised a plan to
enable me to go first."
| Brainiac is a term stupid children came up with to use as an insult when they are arguing with someone smarter than them. This is much more clever than the original argument which was kicking the smart kid in the crotch. Brainiac, the villain,
took this name since he's an alien robot and has no genitalia to kick. He was originally green, but when all of his animation cells were destroyed by a freak bullriding accident, the animators had to create a new look for him in only 5 days. As a joke, one of the artists took pictures of Lex Luthor and put him in a polo shirt and white Fruit of the Loom's. Then they added knee socks and ambiguous electronic things on his head. Through some sort of other rodeo mix-up, they were accidentally used in the real show. And it's a little late to fix now.|
FAVORITE SCENE: The Flawless Computerized Brain's Plan
Although most of his plans were excessively elaborate, there was one that stood out as something elegant in its superfluousness (note: may not really be a word). He proudly stood up one day at a Legion of Doom meeting to tell his idea to trick Wonder Woman, Black Lightning, and Hawkman into flying light years away by cloaking the Earth. Yeah, he cloaked the entire planet. Then he led them into a black hole which contained a toy filled planet built by Toy Man. The other Super Friends were led by a series of obscure riddles to a planet with magic women who turned them to stone. This was so the Legion of Doom could force the world to give them money. I'm no electronically enhanced genius, but if the Legion of Doom is really hurting for money, maybe they shouldn't have built a fucking planet out of toys millions of light years away in the center of a black hole. Put some in the bank.
SUPER RATING: 4
Other than being a master of self glorification, he has no powers besides his enhanced intelligence. He's a robot in a polo t-shirt, knee socks, and underwear.
Jayna and Zan brought along their blue monkey, Gleek, to replace Marvin and Wendy as representatives of brain damaged children everywhere. This taught us the valuable lesson that it's always necessary to have stupid people on your team so your battles can turn into Scooby Doo fights.
FAVORITE SCENE: The Rock n' Roll Space Bandits
This was very hard to decide on since every time Wonder Twin Powers activate, you can expect a good laugh. Once they were fighting a giant monster and Jayna decided to turn into a caterpillar. Zan turned into a puddle. I know it sounds like an invincible combat manuever. It wasn't. The monster put Jayna caterpillar in a jar, and sucked up Zan the puddle in a big eye dropper. Children everywhere said to their TV's, "What did those dipshits expect to happen?" But even something that stupid is not my favorite scene. They were once fighting The Rock n' Roll Space Bandits (Please trust me when I say I'm not making this up), and Zan turned into an ice satellite dish. Jayna turned into a giant lobster to hold Zan up and use him to reflect the bandits' hypnotic rock and roll music. It didn't work, and only made them look really ridiculous before they got hypnotized. Keep in mind that the person who wrote this was a professional writer.
SUPER RATING: 2
Zan was a turd who turned into a bucket of water with a face, but he managed to counter this weak power with an unnerving sense of never doing anything right. He's good to keep around, though, since at the end of every episode he mistakes his blue monkey for whatever menace the Super Friends just faced and freaks out. Usually in a sequence like this:
"It's a good thing you guys showed up, because I was just about to show Galactor, the Giant Red Vampire, a thing or two!" (Gleek brushes his tail against Zan's leg on his way to jam a banana in his ass) "Wait! A blue monkey tail! It's Galactor!!!"
"Oh Zan, that's just Gleek! Looks like he's really made a monkey out of you! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"We'll go next! Wonder Twin Powers activate! Form of a cricket! Shape of an ice top hat!"
"Solomon Grundy go next! Solomon Grundy stronger than all of Super Friends!"
|Solomon Grundy is a big guy with no skin pigment. Not because he's an albino, but because he's a zombie. He has a problem with first person pronouns, which is a common problem among undead since they're always eating each other's brains. However, it may be just a zombie dialect and not because he's missing a chunk of brain. I say this because sometimes he says some really insightful and clever things even though they're devoid of particles and words like "me" or "I."|
FAVORITE SCENE: The Super Man Attack
As a fight broke out between the Legion of Doom and the Super Friends, Solomon Grundy
excitedly announced how strong he was and picked up Superman. Then he ran around until Superman
decided to kick him loose. Not the best attack, but it takes some huge zombie balls to try something like that.
SUPER RATING: 6
I just like the way he talks. Solomon Grundy get good rating!
|Captain Cold was the fearsome sunglassed villain who dressed like a blue eskimo and had a gun that shot ice. It was almost as deadly as a real gun, making him nearly a match to any normal highway patrolman. He's called Captain, but as far as I know, he has no real military rank. It's possible he makes little armies of ice guys and screams orders at them, in which case, he can pretend to be anything he wants. I just don't think others should call him by the rank given to him by his toys.
FAVORITE SCENE: Backfiring Frost
During one of those meticulously non-violent superhuman battles between the Legion of Doom and the Super Friends, Captain Cold faced off against his nemesis, The Flash. Captain Cold fired a blast of ice at the Flash, confident his attack would be unstoppable. However, he was so busy thinking up his clever announcement of "My super cold ray will freeze you into oblivion!" that he forgot about his opponent's super speed. The Flash ran over, grabbed him, and brought him back to stick him in the way of the ice blast. And Captain Cold sat motionless in a mass of ice of his own making, fearing that after this amazingly embarrassing moment, the Super Villain Diner would finally replace the Captain Cold Slushee with the Bizarro Superman Pickle Bacon Peanut Butter Casserole.
SUPER RATING: 3
You may not get killed from Captain Cold's snowball gun, but you're getting hit by something chilly, and that's still pretty evil.
"Fear my frostiness, super freaks!"
"I am Apache Chief! Protector of the sacred lands, I can speak about
bears and wolves like I just learned this language to provide an offensive role model to young Native Americans everywhere."
|I never knew if Apache Chief lived in a teepee until adulthood, or if he was just really stupid. Him English skilz were rivalling to that of Solomon Grundy, but the Super Friends kept him around in case nobody could reach something really high. He would grow by screaming, "Enuch-Chuck!" This is a phrase from his first language loosely translated as, "I hate Mondays." Incidentally, his first language is gibberish he invented while living alone in his smoke house with a broken Speak n' Spell. His name bugged me too. I don't think he was Apache or a chief. That's like taking a white guy and throwing him on a team of indians and saying, "Your name is.... Minnesota President." Excuse me, they would probably say, "Your name, like ancients before you, is symbol of great moon as flying eagle protect you. Your name be... Minnesota President." So the Super Friends' attempt at non-objectifying Native Americans as the bad guys in children's games was poorly executed. It was still more successful than anything Aqua Man tried.
FAVORITE SCENE: The Marble Sized Earth
One day, a giant wandered through our part of the universe, grabbed Earth, and stuck it in his purse. Apache Chief had experience being in giant bags from his childhood when fellow Native American, Navajo Boss, used to put him in burlap sacks and beat him with a hose. So he knew what he had to do. He went outside the Hall of Justice and screamed "Enuch-Chuck!" over and over until the Earth was the size of his thumbnail. Then he got in an argument with the giant while they were floating in space and they had a wrestling match. I can buy the fact that Earth can survive in a giant's pocket, or that during his growth process, Apache Chief didn't destroy our planet, but Jesus! Everybody knows you can't hear anything in space! It was like so implausible.
SUPER RATING: 5
Okay. So he talked like a 60 year old bareknuckle boxer after a bottle of tequila, but he did get pretty big and tough. Plus he had all those cool Indian skills like building fires, tracking, and leather vest accessorizing.
Ryu is not a Super Friend. His tendency to actually hit bad guys is a big no-no with the Super Friends and the cartoon censors of the seventies and eighties. Also, he probably wouldn't spend as much time on the "Teach Timmy About Crossing the Street" missions, and end up wiping out the Legion of Doom in his first guest appearance. Whose bad plans will the Super Friends barely foil then, Ryu?
FAVORITE SCENE: The Insane Sumo Pal
Inadvertently touching the surrounding people with his fighting spirit, Ryu distracts Dhalsim from his match with E. Honda. Using this to his advantage, the sumo master, E. Honda wins the fight. Then he approaches Ryu, hands him half the money, and screams, "Us Japanese fighters have to stick together! 'CAUSE WE'RE BROTHERS!!!" He then laughs hysterically. I can't tell you what happens next since my brain automatically shuts down whenever I see something that fucked up.
SUPER RATING: 9
Ryu kicks ass.
"I'm just a Japanese guy taking in a web page. And Ryu is my name.
"Great Gotham! I'll have to adjust my Bat Laser to the right frequency
to stop this monstrosity!"
|The Super Friends took the well established avenging dark knight character of Batman and turned him into the kind of guy you'd see putting on inspirational puppet shows for a kindergarten class. His main ability was having 14 tons of bat shaped devices in his belt at any one time. This was always being taken away by bad guys, after which Batman was about as useful in a fight as Marvin. They periodically try to remind us that he's the smart one on the team, but he hasn't ever thought since he got the Bat Computer. He just jams stuff in and waits for the tape to come out to tell him what to do.|
FAVORITE SCENE: The Always Alert Detective
Pictured to the left: After being shrunk down by a mad scientist, Batman takes Robin into a small machine to try to find a place to maybe make out. Perhaps in the nervous tension before the first kiss, he forgets that he's wearing a cape and leans too close to a rotating gear. He probably would have just peed his pants in panic and gotten crushed into paste if Robin hadn't cut him loose.
SUPER RATING: 3
He's basically as clumsy, stupid, and inept as everyone else on the show, he just doesn't have any powers. He got one point for having the confidence in his masculinity to hang out with a little masked boy in underwear. He got another point for the button in the Bat Plane that once transported him to Krypton 30 years in the past. This is an impressive factory equipped standard in all Bat vehicles, and will someday spell his doom when he bumps this button and sends the Bat Jetski into deep space.
|Grodd. A gorilla with the power of speech. Exactly what you need when you're trying to take over the universe. A fucking talking monkey. Maybe the Legion of Doom should do a little better than gorillas, Eskimos with snowball guns, men who collect toys, and a chick in a cat costume before they try to tackle anything more than a 7-11 robbery. It's nice to have goals, but when you're just a talking gorilla keep them simple. Like getting all the way through a crossword puzzle by yourself. Or starting a nice compost heap out of your old banana peels. Then work your way up to conquering your living room.
FAVORITE SCENE: Stop Superman Easy With Household Products!
While attacking Superman, Grodd pulls out a glowing green ball and chain and gives a short speech. "It doesn't take exotic devices to stop you, Superman, when kryptonite does the job so well! Ha ha ha!" Then he throws it and it somehow clamps onto Superman's ankle. I would just like to point out that a thrown ball and chain made out of a radioactive material found only on an extinct planet millions of light years away is something I classify in the "Exotic Devices" category.
SUPER RATING: 3
He comes from a secret invisible village of talking gorillas, but that's not that big a deal. I describe my hometown of Baker City, Oregon exactly the same way. At least the people in my town all had rifles. Grodd doesn't even have pants. But to be honest, even a non-talking gorilla is tougher than most of the people on the Legion of Doom.
"I am Grodd. Rarrr."
"Batter up, baby."
|Big Red is my cyborg friend. He's helped me with a number of pages, and occasionally captures young girls to tie up in his closet. This is one of many reasons he was not allowed on the Super Friends. Besides, their cyborg slot was already filled by Cyborg (whose name was thought up after weeks of committee meetings). And even though Big Red doesn't carry around a bunch of extra hands like Cyborg, he did have something to add to this page:|
"Grodd taking over the living room after composting banana peels. It
was just too easy to visualize...I can see the big fortress made out of
couch cusions right now, and Grodd with a big salad bowl helmet and a
Grodd: "Surrender! You are my sexual slave!"
Mysterious Voice: "Grodd honey, can you keep it down in there?"
Grodd: "Sorry mom."
FAVORITE SCENE: Big Red vs. the Moscow Police
Some stupid friends of mine drove up to visit me one night, and got a dent in their car that was grinding against their tire. Big Red volunteered to smash the frame of the car away from the tire with a car jack. Forty five minutes later, everyone in a three block radius was detained by the timely Moscow police for vandalism. I guess it's some sort of standard procedure to start grabbing people off the street if there was an alleged crime in the area 45 minutes ago. My friends ran and hid since 75% of them had outstanding arrest warrants, and Big Red and I had to explain what happened to the cops in really small words. The highlight of the evening was when they searched Big Red. He was carrying about 20 weapons, food he had forgotten about, things no one could conceivably explain, and about 300 pounds of other idiosyncratic items. The search took most of the night, and revealed things that would have sentenced him to death in most other countries. My interrogation was a little bit shorter. "Did that nosering hurt?" (I'm serious. That's all they asked me.) followed by some mumbling and nervous fidgetting. I don't want these people carrying guns.
Fucking Marvin and Wendy. I guess they thought the original Super Friends wouldn't be palatable enough to children without a couple of mischeif making kids to bring the show to a nice level of stupid. Did it work? I'm not saying I'm a children's programming marketing expert, but do you know anyone who grew up saying, "I'm tired of this damn Superman character. His powers are fantastic! But I really wish they would spend more time with Marvin and Wendy! They're always up to something! What have they done this time? Oh, you two! etc." Nobody said that. Do you know why? Because no one liked them. Not even the Super Friends. They only let the kids hang out with them because they hoped they would get killed by a stray death ray or something. And they let Aqua Man kick Wonder Dog.
FAVORITE SCENE: I Wouldn't Admit it if I Had One
Every scene these two are in is like watching Peter and Cindy Brady talk about building card houses, only with worse dialogue. In fact, the Saturday Morning Women's Golf Jamboree Show of the late 70's credited 90 percent of their ratings to Marvin and Wendy, as disgusted children changed their channels away from the Super Friends in favor of lesbians and boring sports.
SUPER RATING: 0
There are no numbers low enough to represent the magnitude that these
two kids are not super. May they forever be beaten and ridiculed.
"Hi! We don't have any powers, but that
doesn't stop us from being super! Super friends, that is! Ha ha
"My power ring will stop those Super Losers!"
|Sinestro, with his misshapen and purple head could have been the Legion of
Doom's best asset if they ever used him. He has the same type of ring as Green Lantern, except it's yellow and has no weakness. He probably could have destroyed the world with a bad sneeze, but like Bizarro Superman, the LOD always made Sinestro stay at home in a secret closet labelled, "Villains That are too Tough to Regularly Appear in Episodes." Sometimes Black Manta sneaks in and says, "Ah! This is the life! Right fellas?" It's kind of sad. But after Sinestro pulls down Black Manta's pants and starts pounding his dumb ass around the room, we all cheer up a little.
FAVORITE SCENE: The Out of Control Dinosaur
I was always under the impression that after he made a big yellow thing, he could make it disappear. But during a fight against the Super Friends, he ended up getting stuck under the foot of a giant dinosaur he made. Where you would think he would have just made it go away with his super ring, he instead whined and pounded the floor with his fists. I don't know why he made this decision, but I'm not purple, so I can't really get inside his head.
SUPER RATING: 6
If he could have combined his super powerful ring with the intelligence of a crack baby, he could have been really tough. He usually did shit like make a big yellow dog and leave the room. Sure, the Super Friends will act surprised and yell "Great Gotham/Hera/Lighning/Krypton!" or maybe even "Holy Golden Retrievers, Batman!", but then they will just do something ingenious
to get rid of it. Like trip it or wait for it to go away. Sinestro doesn't get much done other than look like he fell in Solomon Grundy's Purplesaurus Kool Aid.
|Aqua Man. Jesus, I don't even know where to begin. He was the one who talked to fish, which was sometimes even less useful than you might think. Aqua Man spent most of his days at the Hall of Justice in a wading pool hoping the the next adventure might include some water to justify his existence. And when there finally is some sort of underwater emergency it's usually just a dolphin with a broken fin, and Aqua Man can only use his amazing ability of projecting yellow fish brain waves to soothe it. That's how good he is when he's in his element. Get him on dry land, and he has trouble vacuuming the house. He's not exactly someone you call when a talking gorilla is taking over someone's backyard. Aqua Man is someone
you call when you can't figure out what your goldfish is trying to tell you.
FAVORITE SCENE: The Eternal Fuck Up
No matter how he's travelling, whether it be on a giant seahorse, on two leashed flying fish, or on his custom "A" jet ski, you're going to laugh. But Aqua Man's finest performance was when he was trying to put out an mid-ocean oil fire. He cleverly called a group of whales to splash it out with a wave, but accidentally flooded the entire Western Hemisphere. The coolest part is that this was all an elaborate plan by the Legion of Doom to cause the flood. They counted on him doing something that stupid.
SUPER RATING: 1
I'd give him a zero, but even Aqua Man is better to have around than Marvin and Wendy. Please note that I would still pick Aqua Man for my kick ball team after my grandma.
"Fine. I've had enough. If you assholes don't stop laughing at me,
I'll... wait for you to fall into the ocean. Because then you're mine, baby! I'll stick an electric eel up your ass!"
"What's green and purple and commits lots of crime? Who's only super
power is wasting your time?"
|Holy mindbenders! What could that one mean, Batman? The Riddler sucks even for this show. In fact, a regularly dressed criminal is more effective since their super power doesn't revolve around leaving clues. He's not the type of person you want on your team if you want to keep your actions secret from the good guys. Look out universe, here comes a man as tough as a regular guy, but easier to catch.|
FAVORITE SCENE: A Look Inside the Heroes' Heads
Whenever he gives one of his "super riddles," the we get to see the frightening train of logic used by the Super Friends.
"Tighten your belt... Titan... A giant... Who has a giant belt, Robin?"
"Holy constellations, Batman! Orion's Belt!"
"Right, chum! Let's roll."
The amazing thing is that these insane ramblings are always the correct answers. They just forget that the answer to the riddles always lead them into a psuedo deadly trap.
SUPER RATING: 2
I almost gave him a negative number since he's only a detriment to his team. The Legion of Doom would get away with a lot more stuff if Riddler didn't always give away their location and plans. But if I did that, he'd be ranked lower than Aqua Man, and that's not very accurate.
|Black Lightning was another of the Super Friends who chose speedos as a uniform. He was added to the show in the surge of political correctness that was Samurai, Apache Chief, and El Dorado. I'm surprised they didn't have him wear a pimp hat over a huge afro and give him basketball disco dance powers. And among a group of notorious exclaimers, he stood out as the master of being amazed as an impressive 80 percent of his dialogue was, "Great Lightning!" You'd think hanging out with people that are 300 feet tall and fly in invisible jets with semi-talking blue monkeys would desensitize you to things out of the ordinary. No, these people are still surprised by angry elephants, robots, giant pinballs, and anything bigger than a bread box (which is a very strange unit of measurement used by our grandparents).
FAVORITE SCENE: The Out of Control Stereotype
In an attempt to make the character more palettable to young black audiences, Hanna Barbera released the infamous episode, "Black and Sexual: The Lightning Strikes." In it, Black Lightning comes out of his room in a fur coat and says to Wonder Woman, "Where's my fried chicken, bitch?" The episode, of course, was cut short by most network translators, and Hanna Barbera was picketed and boycotted by a number of organizations. They were forced to put out the gnawingly painful episode "Our friends, the Canadians" to balance the scales of political correctness.
SUPER RATING: 6
His semi tangible lightning bolts seem to be able to do anything he wanted - blow stuff up, make a cage, travel through time, wash his cadillac, whatever. I liked his outfit, too.
"Great lightning! I'm the electrifying Black Vulcan!"
"Goodbye. I not Bizarro Superman. Hello."
|The Bizarro world. This is what happens when you let the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee come up with a plot for a cartoon. "Ha ha! This plot great! Planet of backwards! It mixed up!" Basically, it's a bizarre backwards Earth where everyone is drawn in straight lines and all words that have logical opposites are changed. Like "Kill" becomes "Lick." So if a little square faced man approaches you and says, "Goodbye. I'm not going to lick you." That means he is going to kill you. Get away from that guy.
FAVORITE SCENE: Oompa Loompas
I can't really think of a favorite Bizarro scene, but remember in Willy Wonka when that Oompa Loompa tried to do a cartwheel? That was really funny.
SUPER RATING: 8
This guy is just as tough as Superman, he's just more fun to listen to. He seems to be surprisingly underused considering he's one of the few members of the Legion of Doom with any mentionable powers, but what the fuck do I know about taking over universes?
Urgh.... Strength leaving body... got to click here to... go to part two... of Seanbaby's Super Friends Page.