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Latest Updates to the Site
Back in Action -- April 20th, 2002 I've come up with the solution for all your erotic and absoludicrous needs in one terrifying Absoludicrous Video review -- Learn the art of Dancing Dirty. Fun Fact: Now people in the San Francisco area can get their faces rocked by more than just cock since I'm writing up to 8 articles a month for the paper The Wave. February 20th, 2002 I lived through my pro wresling debut, give or take a limb, and if you were caught in the three city blocks that were destroyed during it, I extend my deepest sympathies for your annihilation. In site related news, thanks to everyone who sent in hate mail about the last article regarding the horrors of airport racial profiling. To pacify you and all the other non-Arab people who get pissed at the idea that security agents might not think you're terrorists, I've dedicated the latest Probe article to Afghanistan and their insane national sport, Buzkashi. February 5th, 2002 New on The Probe - post freaking perspective on America's massive freak out. Calendar Event -- Rahhrr! If you're in the Portland Area in the next couple weeks, I'm going to be in a hardcore pro wrestling match on Febrary 17th at the Ash Street Saloon. No bullshit. December 13th, 2001 There's a new feature on the Stupid Page - The Best of the Worst in Comic Book Advertising. December 11th, 2001 New on The Probe - science tales of horror. December 5th, 2001 I've just finished the complicated process of moving the giant my-head-shaped volcano I live in and setting up its new wicked computer mind. New articles will start coming at you soon. In the meantime, pick up the January issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly to read my new article, Seanbaby's EGM's 20 Crappiest Video Games of All Time. October 15th, 2001 New on The Probe - Four lawsuits that set new records for retardation. The picture on the right is from my new pals Sasha and Jetta from the Portland hottie site, Suicide Girls. You can go there to see them naked, and sometimes even naked in roller skates. September 27th, 2001 New on The Probe - Kevin Smith vs. Gays. And here's something for the ladies... pictures of me and my pals at a party. August 10th, 2001 Reader Babe Week continues with Natasha and may continue into the weekend due to an excessive number of hot girls in their panties. August 9th, 2001 Some of you might have noticed the site was fucked yesterday, so Reader Babe Week had to take a day off. Anyway, it's back today with a new hottie star - Lina. August 7th, 2001 As former mayor of the Internet Karate Council, I'm declaring this week to be Reader Babe Week, and celebrating it by announcing a new Reader Babe -- Crissy. August 2nd, 2001 New on the Super Friends Page - The least used, but by no means least lame super villain, Scarecrow! July 26th, 2001 New on The Probe: Austrian Man Drops Cow From Helicopter, Explodes It. Summer Blockbuster Preview of Hilarity: Planet of the Apes actually contains the line, "Can't we all just get along?" So even if you like the other 89 and a half minutes of it, you're going to remember the movie as retarded. July 18th, 2001 An all new feature on the all-new designed Stupid Page - Absoludicrous Video. I've moved Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool and Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam there, and written an all new video review starring deaf musical performers-- MUSIGN. For more information on Absoludicrous Video and what makes a video Absoludicrous, click here. July 8th, 2001 This fourth of July, I almost killed every single person in the world. On the About Seanbaby.com page -- Homemade Fireworks: Celebrating America Like a Bad Motherfucker. July 3rd, 2001 New on The Probe: Fitness Revolution! My computer would like to thank everyone for their angry and nagging letters while I was out of town. In the future I'll be sure to keep a detailed online diary and calendar so you'll know that one of my summer trips is not actually a personal attack against you or the industry of free hilarity. To get started, here's a fun fact about me: The only movie I've liked this summer is Pootie Tang. June 14th, 2001 In honor of my birthday tomorrow and your gifts to me, Erik and I have finished our massive and epic conclusion to E3 2000 - E3 2001. May 15th, 2001 New on The Probe: The parents of Columbine victims are suing pretty much everyone who's ever made a video game. May 7th, 2001 A new Kick to the Groin thriller: Web of Polar Testicle Deception. May 2nd, 2001 New on the Probe - Wicked robots are back, so are wicked toilets. April 29th, 2001 Some redesigning went on, and a new site bio is up featuring less information about me than ever -- here. April 24th, 2001 New Super Friend!  Superman! April 17th, 2001 Kapow! There is a server WNW Alpha Sector 3 mixup going on that makes Fat Chicks in Party Hats lead to my site. It's all very technical, and we'll hopefully have it fixed before fattys the have a chance to calm down (go ahead and get pissed again, fattys; it's fixed!). And since I know I'm no replacement for Miguel, I let Luke Cage and Dr. Doom handle the newest Hostess ad without me-- Daredevil in the Peachy Keen Caper. April 13th, 2001 New on the Hostess Page, Spider-Man fights one of the most ridiculous motherfuckers you've ever seen -- The Demolition Derby! April 12th, 2001 New on The Probe - A special look at MTV's Jackass, and the people it inspired to hurt themselves. Site News: You might notice some problems in the next few days while we move our files to a new, faster server thing. Also, thank you all for your letters of concern about the site. Yes, the entire Internet will probably be bankrupt and gone in a few months, and yes-- you need to send me money. April 5th, 2001 The Laser Squad continues their dominance over the American Film Institute, starring Dolemite! Number 43 is up. April 2nd, 2001 The Internet Film Laser Squad moves two steps closer to world domination by moving two steps closer to listing all their favorite movies. Numbers #45 and #44 are up. March 30th, 2001 Maybe the most fucked up Hostess ad yet, and I understand how difficult that is to believe-- Spider-man vs. The Chairman! March 27th, 2001 if PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER ever APPROACHED ME ABOUT DEVELOPING A KICK TO THE GROIN MOVIE, THIS IS WHAT would have HAPPENED: Jerry Bruckheimer's GROIN. March 21st, 2001 From the cryptic tombs of the American Film Institute, the Laser Squad strikes back! Two new pages of reviews-- #47 and #46. March 19th, 2001 The midmorning breath of life, flowers blooming to face the sun, a birds' song penetrating your heart... it means that someone else is getting their testicles shattered. Kick to the Groin Comics -- World's Scariest Police Groins. March 15th, 2001 New on the Hostess Page -- an interview with an actual Hostess fruit pie writer. WARNING: may shatter illusions. March 12th, 2001 Do your friends lean on you when they talk? Do they clown around and pat you on the back sometimes? Well in the latest Kick to the Groin Comic, you can learn how to kill them when they do that. Also, intrigue and betrayal. March 8th, 2001 In the past several weeks, there was a sharp decrease in crime and a sharp increase in the number of groin-related emergency room victims. During that same several weeks, my productivity was cut in half. Was I busy kicking crime in the crotch? Or more importantly on The Probe, do robots want you dead!? February 27th, 2001 There have been some complaints that Kick to the Groin Comics focused too heavily on attacking the male eroginous zones. That's why today all deadly attacks are directed at the female breasts. Also, half of the adventure was made available in Japanese. Kick to the Groin! - International Bus Stop Breasts. February 22nd, 2001 One of the psychos that wrote to Nintendo Power started writing to me, hates me, and I made a comic book out of him. New on the NES Page - The Further Adventures of Mark Discordia!. January 23rd, 2001 In honor of Nike and companies like it that hire foreign slaves to keep my athletic shoes inexpensive, there's a new Hostess Review about Captain America battling sweatshop owners. Never-before-seen-since-1978: Cut on the Dotted Line! January 22nd, 2001 The Internet Film Laser Squad is back from its month-long disappearance, or 17 month disappearance if you want to count all the months we spent battling through time to stop the Calculando Calrissian 2000 from uploading pictures of people having sex with fish. Which is a lot of wasted months if you consider the fact THAT IT DID. Three new pages of reviews, tainted with the unstoppable evil of the CC2K, are now available. January 17th, 2001 The Adoracubby Coloring Contest winners have been chosen! Come see the top four entries as selected by the POE girlfriends, and marvel at the fabulous prizes they've won. January 15th, 2001 New on the Probe - Temptation Island predictions lead the way to a new age of intellectualism and enlightenment with me as the book-reading leader. Also, retarded people fighting in cages. January 14th, 2001 Revitalized Classic: The 20 Worst Nintendo Games has been redesigned, and if you look carefully, you'll find an actual letter sent by the sadistic madman responsible for Deadly Towers. January 9th, 2001 Witness a new level of explosive crotchitude with the fifth installment of Kick to the Groin Comics. December 27th, 2000 I hope everyone had a merry Christmas. Except for the damn dipshits I responded to in the latest page of Reader Mail. Now with less Torrie Wilson then ever, sorry. December 22nd, 2000 New on the Internet Film Laser Squad's Top 100 Funniest Movies -- we're bad movie-watching motherfuckers. Also... eight new Adoracubby Entries. December 19th, 2000 Bad news for fans of waiting-- the main eight sites have been redesigned to load faster, and with the adorable new Megaman navigation, look more huggable. Now here's something for the ladies: 15 new Adoracubby Adventures. December 18th, 2000 You saw how The Internet Film Laser Squad barely survived the last page of movies. Now we vow revenge. December 14th, 2000 The Internet Film Laser Squad's latest page of movie reviews ends in holocaustic tragedy, but don't let that stop you from sending in your Adoracubby Coloring Contest entries! December 12th, 2000 The reader response to the Chicken Head Article is still coming in, and it's unanimous: The world loves the Bowtied Duckfoot Adoracubby! That's why at Seanbaby.com, I'm holding an Adoracubby Coloring Contest to save these poor defenseless animals. You can help them today! December 11th, 2000 Here's something that might launch the excitement through the top of your damn skull: Two New Kick to the Groin Comic Adventures on the Stupid Page. December 10th, 2000 The Internet Film Laser Squad is back, reviewing another page of funny movies. December 4th, 2000 New on The Probe -- a family is torn apart when McDonalds serves instead of a mcnugget... a chicken's head. Take careful note that this is the only comedic news article in the last 7 weeks that doesn't include the words "dimpled chad." November 28th, 2000 I came back from the Thanksgiving vacation I gave myself to find out that the Calculando Calrissian 2000's computer mind reviewed another 2 pages worth of movies for the Internet Film Laser Squad. Also, it turned my microwave into a microwave that wants to hit me with a chainsaw. November 20th, 2000 Twenty more movies have been studied on the IFLS 100 Funniest Movie Countdown. November 18th, 2000 We're still having troubles... that means that you'll have to wait until Monday for the continued IFLS Movie Countdown, but hold on! You don't have to wait for ANOTHER EXCITING KICK TO THE GROIN ADVENTURE! November 16th, 2000 Mail and server problems have broken down the Internet Film Laser Squad's communication lines, and the Calculando Calrissian 2000 is still trying to kill us, but we should be back in business in the next couple of days. While you're waiting, there's a fantastic new feature on the NEWLY REDESIGNED Stupid Page: Kick to the Groin Comics. November 13th, 2000 This year, the American Film Institute rated the 100 funniest movies of all time. Only about five or six of them were actually funny, so me and a specialized team of stars are redoing the entire thing. The first 10 are up, and we'll be counting down for a couple weeks. The Internet Film Laser Squad's Top 100 Funniest Movies. November 10th, 2000 I respond to more of Nintendo Power's Fan Mail. November 6th, 2000 Due to the insensitivity of my making fun of fucked up Nintendo kids, I balanced my karma out with the good deed of redesigning The Probe. Don't worry, I'll be a dick again later. November 4th, 2000 Three more psychological wastelands were added to the Dear Nintendo Page, and if you look back on the kid that plays Nintendo with his feet, I swear to Jesus you'll see a letter from his current-day wife. November 3rd, 2000 New on the Nintendo Page... something you probably won't believe I actually did. Also, if you want to see how I spent my Halloween night, I left out all the unimportant details and summed it all up in two pictures and 27 words. October 27th, 2000 Entertainment Weekly might have their heads up their trendy asses, but Maxim knows exactly what rules. They nominated Fat Chicks in Party Hats for "Coolest Website." Help make "I am made of ham" a household phrase -- Vote Fat Chicks in Party Hats today! October 26th, 2000 New on The Probe. A lot of people hate politics, and I'm one of them. That's why I was careful to put as many dick jokes as possible in this Oregon Voters Guide: The Little Hate Group that Could. Voters can now determine the sexual orientation of children. October 24th, 2000 - A Nation Divided Due to this week's Entertainment Weekly's public dissing of Fat Chicks in Party Hats, I've spent the last few days in an unproductive depression. Jesus, world. How good does something have to be before you give it the love it deserves? The next thing you know, People magazine will come out against The Roller Disco Devils. October 20th, 2000 Even MORE Nike Drama: In my mailbox this morning I found an angry certified letter from Womanlinks.com regarding the Nike Article, and their hate led to the article growing to Part Four. October 18th, 2000 More Nike Drama: And if the story about the Nike chainsaw ad being taken off the air made you cry for our nation's doomed and retarded future, you're not going to be able to handle this "action alert." That's right, now people are trying to protest a Nike commercial for its cruelty towards food. Women upset over chainsaws is fucking nothing compared to The United Poultry Concerns being upset that the Green Bay Packers eat chicken. I don't know what the hell you mad scientists are waiting for-- flip those Doomsday Devices on NOW. Behind the Scenes of Seanbaby.com: If you're one of the philanthropists who've sent in gifts, videos, or money, I've just mailed out your counter-presents. I ran out of Seanbaby.com stickers a few days ago, so some of you'll be getting their understudies - Supergirl stickers and New Kids on the Block trading cards. Unrelated: I became the unofficial photographer/historian for Space Party 2000. October 16th, 2000 New on The Probe: parents lobby against something tragic and hurtful-- a spooky Nike commercial. October 2nd, 2000 When Erik and I decided to start our Ultimate Article, we made the mistake of writing the entire thing in lipstick on each others bodies, then scanning ourselves, then running it through text recognition software. Because of this, and my recurring troubles with the US Government, there have been some delays. You'll have to wait in upwards of several more thirds of a day to read it. But you don't have to wait alone. Me and the Hostess Analysts have reviewed the UNARGUABLY BEST Hostess fruit pie ad -- Thor in "The Ding-A-Ling Family!" September 25th, 2000 An ultra-rare Dolemite concert review along with almost-exclusive Dolemite jokes we kind of made up but then put next to authentic pictures of his head. Check Part 2 of the Ultimate Article: "Rudy Ray Moore, You Fucked a Cow." August 30th, 2000 We made it! With the final addition of California Raisins, the 10 Worst Ideas for Nintendo Games are all documented, and to celebrate, there are bonus icons and Nintendo Power downloads. August 17th, 2000 I'm back from a week in the woods playing my own version of Survivor without all the rat-eating, bickering, and one million dollars. That means that the bad ideas for Nintendo games are starting again. Today... Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. August 9th, 2000 Based On Crap: Some things like tuxedos and chimpanzees are better when you mix them. Nintendo and Wall Street are not some of these things. Today's crap -- Wall Street Kid. August 8th, 2000 This just in: Dominos Pizza's mascot, the Noid, was a very bad idea for a Nintendo Game. August 7th, 2000 Today, learn about another crappy idea for a Nintendo game, Trolls on Treasure Island. And this time, I got help from He-Man. That's right, The Master of the Universe. August 6th, 2000 When you watched Wayne's World, did you ever think to yourself, "This would make a great Nintendo game!" No. Because you're not a flaming idiot. Well, there are some people that are. Wayne's World is today's Worst Idea for a Nintendo Game. July 22nd, 2000 Thanks to altruistic reader, Greg Hazen, I have a copy of the motivational classic Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool. Check out the full video review on the Probe. July 18th, 2000 Another classic revisited: Atari 2600 Porn and a Brief History of Video Games has been rewritten, remessedwith, and moved to the NES Page. Enjoy the nude atari girls like it was the first time. June 21st, 2000 New on the Probe - Most of us watched the NBA Finals, but only a select few thousand of us were loyal enough fans to trash a god damn city. June 18th, 2000 - A new era of high fasion We're all sick of the government telling hot chicks they have to put on shirts, and since we can't punch the government, we'll have to do the next best thing -- dress our hot chicks in the new Seanbaby.com t-shirts. Two versions, two colors, and one lifetime of happiness are all available for seventeen little dollars. The first rule of Seanbaby.com t-shirts is that you will look god damn good in Seanbaby.com t-shirts. June 11th, 2000 - We're taking over Europe now. This website is already the most important website in America because of the promotional surge of Seanbaby.com stickers I've personally put on every Portland night club's bathroom soap dispenser and all the nearby breasts I can reach (see press kit photo at above right). It's nationally recognized as the greatest thing ever in Canada since they have just the right mix of drinking too much and having nothing better to do. But dig this, suckers: now me and my pals are taking over Europe. U.K. people know more about me than the FBI now thanks to a probing interview in the latest PC Format magazine (read it here). The brits are also in love with Miguel, and the Summer 2000 issue of Bizarre featured Fat Chicks in Party Hats as the GOOD representative in the Internutter section (read it here). We weren't done, though. Old Man Murray's foot smells like ass from all of it they kicked in their interview with fully armed Croatian video game designers (read it here). 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