As for flavor, it doesnít really matter, since at a party where they serve middle finger cakes, it all gets jammed into peopleís noses and ears anyway. Yeah, Iíd be the kind of cake you tear a chunk out of to smear on your friend. Hopefully, Iíd be a happy overly died color so I could stain clothes and remind everyone of their silly cake romp day. And when I say happy, I mean that as a euphamism for "gay." Pink and baby blue colors, with gorgeous pastel frosting flowers adorning the top of the middle finger. But this frosting packs a punch, baby! Crazy Al down at Big Alís Mentally Handicapped Humor Hut filled it with pure cinnamon oil! Look out, kids! That frosting is hot stuff!
Maybe I would have some frosting on top that spelled out, "Happy Birthday, Tony Danza." A true artist who can make the transition from porn star to sitcom actor. Or even better, I could be a giant cardboard cake and Tony Danza would burst out of me, naked, quoting famous catch phrases from Whoís the Boss. If I could remember anything about that god damn stupid show, I would include one.
But I would hate to write an essay on what kind of cake I would be by myself, so I got a second opinion. The following is an answer from my friend Rosy in England. I told her to keep the Brit lingo to a minimum. Normally our discussions are based more around video games than metaphorical cake things, so this may not be the best paper ever written. But hereís what she wrote:
There are many answers to this profound riddle.
1) (warily) "Um... cake. Yeah. I like chocolate cake with chocolate icing. Chocolate. With my name on. It's mine, and - and Ė you can't have any."
2) (sternly) "A beautiful birthday cake with pink icing - and candles - with a hacksaw baked inside it." (pause, nodding) "You dig?"
3) (excitedly) "A blue hair cake with earrings. I'm not a cake, I'm a plane! Nee-yowww! Look out! Rat-tat-tat!"
4) (emotionally) "If I was a cake, there'd be enough for everybody. The young, the old, the mentally deficient, commies, blacks - do they eat cake? Anyway, the rich, the poor, the homeless ... and no raisins. Everybody can eat me."
I didn't actually consider your cake question properly, but I think an honest answer would probably be less funny. I mean, you would obviously be a really cool cake. With your name on, certainly, written in flames or glitter or snow-spray. A cake with little dancing legs and a big grin.
Anyway, you should use the blue hair cake idea because I'm still laughing about it, and it would be cool to run around the room spit-firing everyone. Emphasis on the spit."
So now that youíve heard her opinion, I can tell you that weíre both wrong.
I would probably be a cake shaped like a big dick. Maybe that said,
"Jesus Loves You." And my mother cake would be so proud.