Aunt Minerva, leading lady of the underworld, is quite possibly the most diabolical and brilliant of all villains. Here in her secret lab with her competent henchmen, she begins to hatch a plot. She knows the children are the future... so she'll control the children!|
This is the kind of stupid fucking idea you get when you base your evil schemes on Whitney Houston lyrics. The man in the green suit loves the plan, but doesn't know how to start. He's paid for his dancing, not his mind. The other henchman politely quiets him down to better hear the brilliant plan, both of the men barely controlling the passionate lust they feel for Aunt Minerva in her bold stage magician's cloak and giant lime earrings.
Aunt Minerva closes her eyes to avoid seeing the pea soup colored wall paper Henchman #2 picked out, but still manages to tell them the brilliant plan. If she can just get the kids to not like Twinkies, she will control the entire world. You don't get it? Well, that's why she's the leading lady of the underworld and you're not, dumbass.
I tried the plan by covering Twinkies and ketchup and handing them to stupid kids. They all said, "Ack! I hate Twinkies!" but when I told their parents to kneel before me, things didn't go very smoothly.*
*Minerva Secret: Convincing someone they don't like cake is only one step on the road to world domination. It also takes hard work, ritualistic sacrifice, a cape, wise investments, and a great set of tits for complete control. Sort of like how it takes 5 multi-vitamins and an injection of milk to make Captain Crunch a complete breakfast.
See? This would totally work as long as anybody actually saw it. Maybe Operation: Big Lie would have been a more effective plot if she hadn't broadcasted the "controlled thoughts" during PBS' Saturday morning documentary on sugar beets. Plus, she really needed to make more of a show out of it. You know, start with a juggler or a car crash and transition into your hypnosis. Nobody's going to keep watching an old lady chant with a magic radio when they can go see the same thing down at the home where they keep grandma. Especially when grandma pees herself and there are free cookies. Plus, Thursdays are "Crazy Thursdays at Sleepy Oaks: Where You Keep Whatever Elderly You can Carry Off!" This is what you're competing against Minerva, so try wearing something that shows a little more skin.
After Captain Marvel saved the only two children affected by Aunt Minerva's Twinkie Hating Mind Ray, the criminals (who unexplainably know about it) shamefully leave Studio B. Studio B is a special studio the television station reserves for super-plot emergencies.
Aunt Minerva is justifiably flabergasted that the Earth's mightiest mortal was able to stop an old lady with bad fashion sense and two former high school football players. And on the way out, Henchman #1 and #2 start the teasing of the old bitch that will last for most of the rest of their lives.
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And anyone who knows me knows about my insane obsession with these fucking stupid Hostess ads, and know that I've made the world's largest gallery of them on my Hostess Page. As another related link, check out James H. Vipond's brilliant Minerva Walker Home Page.