Skip Rogers: Sarcastic Genius? Over-medicated Idiot? A True Nintendo Mystery.|
or... Score More Points in Nintendo Games: Thirty Four Minutes of TERROR
One game, Wizards and Warriors, does take the time to keep track of your points, but let me tell you something. If you actually put Wizards and Warriors into your Nintendo, a low score is the least of your worries. I can guarantee that a person who cares how well they do in this crappy game can't cross the street on their own, and probably shouldn't be playing video games without a helmet.
While Skip is teaching us how to more efficiently waste our time with Wizards and Warriors, he's very very happy about a few items. One of them is the Boots of Lava Walk. Skip will tell you they're unbelievable and terrific, but don't listen to him. Here's what they really do: normally, you can stand your acorn-headed guy in lava for five seconds before you start screaming. After you put on the Boots of Lava Walk, you can stand in lava for six seconds. If you come across them, it's barely worth pushing the button to bend over and pick them up. You couldn't give these damn things away. Shit, I saw nineteen pairs of Boots of Lava Walk at Goodwill last week, and hobos were still wearing milk cartons on their feet.
(Video, 1:00 - Warning: totally gay.)
It gets worse. He reads us descriptions of other boots, hats, and magic wands from the instruction booklet, adds some of his own personal praise, and then gets to the Cloak of Darkness. You might remember it as being internationally recognized as one of Nintendo's Most Useless Power-Ups. Skip doesn't think so. In fact, he stops his flow of speech to describe it in one fragment of a sentence: "Very important."
While you're trying to figure out if he's being sarcastic, he says "here's how it works." Then his man disappears, gets hit by a few bats, and falls off a series of ledges. Oh. That's how it works. I guess Skip is right-- that is very important. Just imagine how important the cape would have been if it just made your guy die when you touched it. Or better yet, grow tits and then die.
Click here for Skip's Cloak of Darkness Adventure!
(Video, 1:00 - Warning: Thou will be wasting thy fucking time.)
Later, he shows how even ghosts can't see you if you're in the Cloak of Darkness. He proves it by going up against a giant ghost. It floats over to where he is, hits him, floats over to where he ran away to, and hits him again. I might not have rank bars on my video game jacket, but I think that ghost can see you, Skip. It's pretty hard to run over and hit something when you're blind. Unless the guy you're trying to kill leaves you a braille-shaped trail of bread crumbs or something. Maybe Skip Rogers does things like that to challenge himself and see what it's like when we non-champions play games.
If you were back in the eighties and followed every instinct of your body telling you to turn off this painful tape, this might be what you would see. How did Balki and Larry get up on that chandelier? Why do they always find themselves in so much mischief? How did this Perfect Strangers trading card not get named "Hanging Around?" Oh, who cares! Just give your funny bone a cookie by enjoying "This Old House"!
Skip Rogers' voiceover: "Here are the explosives."
For people following along, the EXPLOSIVES are behind the non-descript bush next to one of the two trees repeated in the background. Get them by checking behind every bush. If they're not there, try again! To find DIGNITY, try the POWER OFF button on your Nintendo.
Far right: More Skip Tips. Need some help in school? Here's a hint: Math is hard!
Sometimes Skip ends up giggling out his lines. I think it's because he's really happy about when he made up that he was a champion. While he's showing us how to play Platoon, he makes his best joke: "Believe it or not, you can haha jump over bullets!"|
That's pretty unusual for a video game, funny man. Is this the first one you played? I think you could even do that in a non-video game situation. You know what's more amazing than jumping over a bullet? Your producers thinking that anyone watching would play or even think about playing Platoon. Your hint should have been "Can you believe that your character wears a hat! Ha ha! I barely can, and I'm Hat Wearing Champion of Rhode Island!"
Click here to see how to JUMP OVER BULLETS!
(Video, 0:51 - Warning: Seriously. He jumps over a bullet.)
By this part of the tape, no one's really paying attention. All it takes is the 10 second break from giggling video game tips for your mind to wander back to the beginning and remember that creepy rollercoaster face kid. Look at him. What the fuck is wrong with that kid? He's not quite a sideshow freak, but it does look like God peed on his DNA or something. I named his older friend(?) Rollercoaster Todd.|
Rollercoaster Todd's roommate: "What did you do today, Rollercoaster Todd?"
Rollercoaster Todd: "I sat on a park bench and told strange kids next to me to imagine rollercoasters that are impossible to imagine."
Rollercoaster Todd's roommate: "Did you wear your tuxedo shirt and bowtie?"
Rollercoaster Todd: "Of course!"
Rollercoaster Todd's roommate: "You're amazing, Rollercoaster Todd!"
Skip doesn't mix words in Metal Gear. He tells you straight that THIS IS A HARD GAME and you need to keep practicing. He also tells us not to smoke and all of the trucks not to get into. See, a lot of the trucks in Metal Gear are traps. This is the kind of moronic foreign military planning that helped us win all those wars. Our country knows it's better to put landmines or alligators outside your base than a pickup truck with a trap in it.|
Some of the Metal Gear truck traps won't even kill you. Most of them are just a driver sitting in the front of the truck who takes off whenever a spy jumps in the back. You won't see our military using tactics like that. Now that I think about it, we have "traps" like that all over the place in this country. We call them "buses," and you know what? I don't think it's the reason we rule the world. Maybe the Metal Gear generals should have ripped off our idea for huge bombs rather than our deadly ideas for public transportation.
Military Hint: The trick to getting enemy soldiers to go into your "truck traps" is to fill most of the other trucks with delicious food and ammunition. That way, only kind of lucky spies make it into your base fully armed with your own army's weapons and nourished with your soldiers' sandwiches.
Click here for Metal Gear help.
(Video, 0:42 - Warning: does not really help.)
Metal Gear is one giant maze, and Skip helps us get through by showing individual rooms and telling us what keys to use. He never really gets into helping us find any of the places he's talking about, probably because the real estate promotional videos they taped over to produce this home video disaster only held 34 minutes each. It might just be me again, but Metal Gear seems just as hard even if you know you're supposed to use Key 4 somewhere in one of the rooms somewhere in the world. Wait! You could try using a combination of going right, left, up, and down. Look out for enemies, and try your best! Also, if something looks like it will fit in your asshole, go ahead and stick it in. Don't worry! Sometimes even Skip Rogers' asshole feels empty!
Click here to learn how to avoid traps.
(Video, 0:55 - Warning: The truck have started to move.)
A-Team mazes can be hard. Hi, I'm Seanbaby. City Councilman of Mazes! I got to be Councilman by getting lost all day every day, and now I want to share what I've learned with you! Don't worry if your line runs into a wall. Even Seanbaby gets lost in a maze now and then. Here are some mazeplay tips you can use in "Bad Connection" to amaze your friends!|
Mr. T's phone call isn't coming in quite right! To get the message from Hannibal, take a right during this section. Don't touch the walls! They'll end your progress.
The connection is getting stronger! A little closer, and you'll hear Hannibal's phone call! Have patience and use your pencil to draw a line through this area. Don't use a pen. Pens are hard to erase, and sometimes they break and stain your Star Trek t-shirt.
Here your path turns into a dead end. Don't go this way. It's a trap. Now you have the skills you need to learn what Hannibal was trying to say! Happy mazing, pussy!
Volume 2, A Second Chance - Daring to Dream
Everyone deserves a second chance, just like a teary-eyed little girl might say in the last 10 minutes of a movie about talking animals or babies. But when the committee on Family Funtime Togetherness wrote the "everyone deserves a second chance" rule, you can be damn sure they didn't mean for it to apply to Skip Rogers. He and his sadistic producers got together and made a second video, spitting in the face of decency, and shitting on home video as we know it.
Here's a suggestion if any of you people ever build a time machine. Go back and break into the Skip Rogers' Video Production Compound and put poisonous candy in every copy of Volume 2 of SCORE MORE POINTS ON NINTENDO. See, we can forgive children for buying Volume 1. Everyone makes mistakes, and at first, $19.95 seems like a small price to pay to watch a dumbass play Nintendo for a half hour. But if after that they went out and did it again, I want them to eat poisonous candy. I want them gone before their insane decisions affect the lives of the non-insane. For example, sometimes it would be faster to drive somewhere if you take a shortcut through a playground. Most people would decide that's a bad idea even before the first kid rolls up onto the windshield, but a person who bought both Skip Rogers tapes obviously doesn't have that kind of decision making ability. This isn't about keeping stupid children from wasting their money. This is about saving lives.
Scary Skip Rogers Facts:
This tape had FOUR Gameplay consultants. FOUR. The World Video Game Champion had to call four people to figure out what trucks had traps in them, and how to land on the aircraft carrier. Michael Jordan didn't call four people when he was making his Fundamentals of a Jumpshot home video, and he was only one of 13 World Basketball Champions at the time.
You know what else Skip had? A BASEBALL CONSULTANT. For video games about a little blue robot, the Vietnam war, navy aircraft, fantasy acorn-helmeted adventure, and military truck exploration, he hired a baseball consultant. That's fucking crazy. That's the kind of crazy that will get your tiara stripped away by the World Video Game Academy.
Note: the baseball consultant's name was Bipsonna J. Smythe, which is almost as fucked up as their occupation. Did she(?) sit and smoke cigarettes until Skip was curious about how the infield fly rule worked? Was she a ringer for the Kodak Video softball team? Maybe we all just missed the Baseball Man level in Megaman 2?
This article's animal wrangler was Slippy Vynona, and its typing consultants were Burt West, Norman Hudson, Hamm Donnovan, and Tiny the Typing Turtle. The A-Team maze was taken from The A-Team Strikes Again Action Activity Book, a trademark of Stephen J. Cannell Productions, and its costume design consultant was Zangoiby F. Toot.
Click here for a goodbye message from Skip himself.
(Video, 0:38 - Warning: Includes preview for Volume 2 mistake.)
Skip Rogers's second tape: Betrayal of Good Taste
Yeah. Baseball Consultant. Don't ask me.
BONUS MEGAMAN 2 TIPS:
Click here for various bad Megaman 2 tips.
(Video, 1:01 - Warning: Skip still isn't very good at this.)
Click here to defeat the Woodman.
(Video, 0:26 - Warning: blatantly wrong.)