Your Article Navigation System:
Check back this week to unlock bonus sections
Part One:
You Can't Fight the Moonlight

Starring... Coyote Ugly, Jerry Bruckheimer, IGN for Men

Part Two:
Rudy Ray Moore, You Fucked a Cow

Starring... Dolemite, Chet's face, Roberta Williams

Part Three:
Seanbaby the Assassin

Starring... The United States Secret Service

Part Four:
Best Friends Forever

Starring... Mayor Mike Haggar, Menudo, Maurice Starr

Part Five:
No Bitch is Safe From Chicago Ted

Starring... Yoda, Erik, Seanbaby, American Seeds
For almost two years, Sean and I have been working on a superhero comic book. It's about a man who can tell just by looking at a pregnant woman if the fetus she's carrying is evil. Alone, his power is worthless. But then he meets a man who can terminate pregnancies non-surgically using a slightly deadly form of ESP. Together, they form a super team that protects tomorrow from today's unborn supervillians by destroying them in utero. The problem we have is that the sight of two grown supermen versus a young pregnant lady just doesn't look good no matter how many times you mention that the baby is eventually going to build a robot and that the robot is going to trample the White House.*

*To Secret Service: When Erik says a future robot is going to "trample the White House," he does not mean that we personally want to trample the White House or harm any of the president's staff. In fact, when he says "White House," he doesn't even mean the one where presidents live. He means the white house down the street from his place with the welcome mat that says, "It's a Jungle in Here!" with a little monkey.

We've tried every angle to make the comic more palatable. At one point, I suggested that long range ESP made it too easy for our heroes. I thought the ESP guy's power should only work at short range and only after softening up the womb with a few dangerous, close-in gut punches. Unfortunately, that idea made the whole thing even more horrifying.

Click here for a censored version of this picture.
Then I thought that maybe if the supervillain fetus was being gestated in something scary, like a bear, our problems would be solved. The heroes recruited a hero for a new generation, BearSuit, who could make any pregnant woman almost look exactly like a bear. But that also failed. While bears are pretty scary when pitted against a boy scout or a fish, two musclebound superheroes with beam weapons versus a bear caused everyone who saw the sketches to root for the bear even more than they rooted for the pregnant woman getting punched in the stomach by two musclebound superheroes.

And when it turned out that the superteam had a hacker friend who hijacked an orbiting satellite and used it to shoot the bear from space while the heroes watched from a safe distance, and then it turned out that the bear had been carrying not just a doe-eyed human supervillain baby, but an adorable bear cub, the readers were outraged. In fact, after reading Baby Busters #1 from the back of my secret diary, my girlfriend kicked me out.

Two weeks ago, during his Monsters of Face Rocking tour, Sean stopped at Cleveland to rock several million faces in the greater Ohio area. I stopped at Cleveland because I didn't have a place to live anymore. We both arrived on the same day, and I met Sean at the airport. I told him that we'd have a lot more time to work on our comic book now that I didn't have a girlfriend or a house to worry about or any stuff other than what I was wearing and some things that I showed him that I had in my pockets.

"What comic book are you talking about?" he asked distractedly while he signed autographs for some girls who had recognized him getting off the plane.

"The one we've been working on for almost two years," I said.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"The one about the superheroes who fight pregnant women and abort their unborn children?" I prodded.

That got Sean's attention. "Jesus," he said at exactly the same time the girls said "Jesus".

"But the babies are going to grow up to be supervillains," I added. The drawing of the bear cub with the deadly laser wound through its forehead fell out of my pocket. "Jesus," repeated Sean and the girls.

"Yeah, I don't know what happened there." I explained and put my foot over the picture.

A Scene From Part 3: Seanbaby and Erik perform Erik's Oscar Wilde's Tango and Cash

Erik: "I hear you're the second hottest boy on this tiny loveseat."

Seanbaby: "Funny, I heard the same thing about you."

Seanbaby repeated the word "Jesus" while I walked with him and his limo driver to the airport's Private Hotgirl Oil Wrestling Room and showed them other pages from the comic we'd been working on. Finally he stopped me and said, "Erik. I really don't want to hear any more about superheroes killing bear babies with their minds. Now wait here. I'll be out in a couple hours."

It's possible that I was mistaken about Sean and I collaborating on a comic book. If we did, he doesn't seem to remember any of it. One time, I thought the actor who plays Han Solo was my friend.

But I do know that I didn't imagine the next ten days Sean and I spent together in Cleveland. How to describe it? Think of one of those gay cruises - if by "gay" the cruise organizers simply meant "frolicsome" and then you removed most the homosexual images suggested by the word "frolicsome" - and you'd have some idea of the kind of fun we had.

And depending on whether or not Sean mysteriously disappears and is replaced by a note from the secret service that says, "we killed Seanbaby," you'll be on an incredible reading adventure while we change your life with five daily installments. Like a trip to the moon, it's going to start out smoothly and comfortably. Like with the bad drawings of mental abortion rays you saw up there and tomorrow's review of Coyote Ugly. Then, like a trip to the moon, it's going to go to fucking hell. The radios will stop working, the guy who's in charge of not dropping the box of space grenades will have a seizure, and something is loose on the ship that is like no lifeform in the lifeform database. We'll run into Dolemite, the United States government's bodyguards, and Final Fight's mayor Mike Haggar. This is no ordinary "What We Did Over Spring Break" report. This is an Insider's Guide To The Lifestyles of the Stars & the People They Meet That Want to Kill Them.

Complete lifeform database from Erik and Seanbaby's Moonship:

File # 00001: Monster

File # 00002: Actress Brigette Nielsen
You're probably saying, "I paid a lot of damn money for this website, and I find Dolemite and the US Government offensive. What other stars will be there that appeal more to me and my pussiness?" How does the phrase "guest-starring Chet" grab you? How about Miguel? Does the name "Every Movie Jerry Bruckheimer's Ever Made" ring a bell? They're all going to be there, because they all were there. Except for Miguel and the Jerry Bruckheimer films "Flashdance" and "Days of Thunder".

Seanbaby and Erik are comedians and friends who grew up ballet dancers in a log cabin in the Pacific Northwest. On the road to superstardom they encountered many obstacles such as Sean's prosthetic head and Erik's mild retardation, but their zest for life continues to overcome.

Back to
Back to
NES & EGM    Kick to the Groin    Super Friends    Hostess Fruit Pies
Absoludicrous Video    Stupid Comic Ads    Classic

About the Site    Contact