Effectiveness: 3/10
"Oh wow, Tootsie Rolls for my birthday. What a special treat. You know kids, thanks to Rollo tricking me into thinking this bullshit was an emergency, I ate about 30 on the way over. You know I carry Tootsie Rolls around in my purse, right? It says TOOTSIE ROLLS fucking on it. Giving me Tootsie Rolls for my birthday is like giving the fat one self esteem issues. Yes, hi, I'm talking about you fatty! Maybe you shouldn't be our spokesperson! Did any of you monsters bring any treats made out of toothpaste? My mouth is being cemented shut by toosie!"

Captain Tootsie Continues: 5/10
"And who brought the unsupervised baby? I'm not changing something that's been eating nothing but chocolate wax all day. Now that I think of it, am I any of you kids' legal guardian? Do you even have parents? All I wanted to do was help the world by eating Tootsie Rolls near trouble. I didn't sign on for all this sexual temptation I mean baby-sitting."