Captain America takes these kids into outer space to meet history's first star-shaped toothpaste with sparkles? What, was the first banana-flavored tile adhesive with reservoir tip not available?

Troublert Urgency: 17/10
"The dental museum is under attack by Count Plaqula?! You go on ahead, D-List footnote of toothpaste history and *snicker* Superstar Magic Club! I'll stay here, because in case you haven't noticed, I'm Captain Fucking America."