Dear Alan Ladd's Assistant,
Instead of writing one of the top 200 essays on why I love Alan Ladd magazine so much, I'm instead betting that less than 199 other people sent you a letter. Please take the free wallet I just earned and jam it back in whatever dark dimension of madness could have created a demand for Alan Ladd wallets.


PS: Was this a mistake? When you came up with this, did you maybe think "wallet" meant something different? Like maybe "Christmas album?" I don't even know if that's a good burn-- I'd probably have to dig up a body to find someone who knew what the hell an Alan Ladd was. In fact, doesn't the simple declaration of the words "Alan Ladd" make you legally dead in most states?