Effectiveness: 2/10
I have no idea what Tootsie Rolls have to do with murdering bears. There was a tiny mention of all the energy Tootsie Rolls can give you when you're poaching wildlife, but only as an afterthought. It was as if the writer had to quickly adapt his old script about killing bears to make his Tootsie Roll deadline. Because honestly, how much energy do you need to watch Captain Tootsie walk a couple hundred yards and shoot the brains out of something with a high-powered rifle? You could do that from your bed while you're chewing on a stick of butter. Plus, most advertisements that end with the dangling corpse of a wild animal don't make you that hungry for candy.

Wrongful Bear Prosecution: 9/10
I don't trust anyone who's excited that his name is Coon Tail Charlie, but more importantly, I don't trust anyone who lives in the woods. And this isn't an affectation I developed to look cool when I'm asked about people from the woods. Due to insane, sociophobic parents, I grew up on a goat farm in Eastern Oregon. One day my brother and I were walking through the woods behind our house when an old man burst from a log cabin with a shot gun screaming, "Get off my property!" We did, because we knew just enough about seven and ten year old children to know they weren't bullet proof. Later, we learned that this old man travelled to town twice a year to buy canned goods and bleach. The bleach was to kill the germs on the food, put there no doubt by communists. My other closest neighbors were literally inbred. My point is that people who live in the woods are crazy and think everything is trying to kill them. If one of them says a bear is a killer bear, you should remember that he also thinks the moon is plotting your murder and your pants are building a mind-control device on your balls.

But also remember that no matter how many Tootsie Rolls you have, you should fear bears. They're nature's fish-slapping tanks-- they're not going to clap for you while you tickle their belly. You should consider it a very polite gesture every time they don't tear you apart with their massive claws. However, if a bear is running away from a group of little kids and their magnificently homosexual troup leader, the only thing it's ever going to kill is a bag of camper marshmallows. This bear managed to get hunted down by a group of noisy children who, at any time, release uncontrolled outburts of excitement over the tail on a mountain man's hat. There's no sport in killing an animal like that; that's the kind of bear they'll one day invent bear wheelchairs for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a gay ass animal rights activist. In fact, I firmly believe that once you're born without thumbs, fuck you and ride a little bike around until I'm tired of watching it. I'm just saying.

Criminality: 8/10
What would you do if you were a park ranger this night? Say you drove up and saw Captain Tootsie and the Secret Legion raising cheers to Tootsie Rolls around the corpse of a bear they killed out of season and hung from a tree. You wouldn't even wait to roll down the window before you opened fire.