Above: You probably can't tell, but this is an army... you know what? I can't tell what this is supposed to be either.
Army Men Turf Wars
System: GBA

Making a video game requires a lot of people. Programmers, artists, designers, whatever... my point is, how do all these educated, professional people come together and decide to do this? How do you decide to take a franchise of fucking games that were already bad, and make one worse in every way? Is it hypnosis? Blackmail? Evil? Maybe it's some kind of practical joke or government program to integrate criminally insane people into society as video game developers. Well whatever it is, their secret is safe, because I can't figure out how this mess happened.

You play the part of a toy army man who needs to kill all the yellow ones. Good news for the yellow ones: getting your guy to shoot in their direction is like trying to steer a blind man with sign language. And good news for you: since your army man considers any buttons you press as only minor suggestions, you feel very little sense of responsibility when his body's impaled at the bottom of a spike pit. And Army Man, while you're bleeding to death down there, tell the bodies of your friends that you assholes all did this to yourselves. If you were paying attention to me fucking pressing jump, you wouldn't be dead.
The hardest part of my job is when a game isn't polite enough to fail in any kind of funny or interesting way. So you should know that I was really grumpy and bored when I reviewed this game. And that I wrote "getting your guy to shoot... is like trying to steer a blind man with sign language," before the entire usage of slightly offensive hyperbole was shamed and beaten to death by Larry the Cable Guy. If I wrote it today, I might have typed something closer to "getting your guy to shoot is like trying to be Larry the Cable Guy without your cousin's naked lap smelling like hot dog on your face."

I kid, but one of my favorite Larry the Cable Guy jokes was when he compared a situation's difficulty to, and I quote, "a deaf and dumb guy playing Bingo who gets Bingo and is trying to yell Bingo." I mean, what a concise, relatable image. I laughed harder than... than a rodeo Mexican trying to menstruate out of a bad Asian driver who's a midget on steroids and crack and steroids. Originally appeared in issue #163