A revealing look inside Barbie's head, shortly before it's melted by your big brother's magnifying glass.
Barbie Groovy Games
System: GBA

Before Barbie Groovy Games even starts, it makes one thing clear to you, the player: the color "Barbie Pink" is owned and trademarked by the Mattel corporation. If you, or any affiliated parties were to prance in, or say aloud this copyrighted color, you are subject to prosecution. So for example, if you were to say, "The sweaty hitchhiker made love to me until my ass was Barbie Pink. Hi, I'm Jake, but you can call me Dominator," the Mattel corporation gets a portion of the profits. The profits in this particular case being the forceful pounding of their ass by twitchy highwayman dong.

Barbie might have a great legal department, but instead of running around and buying colors for her game, maybe they should have worked a little on it itself. This mess is nothing but a collection of games played exclusively by desperately bored children, and then fucked in the mouth until they're gay. The games, not the children, but that's how it happened to me. It has Tic Tac Toe played with butterflies and flowers, and Connect Four played with ice cream. Trust me, a game of Tic Tac Toe doesn't suddenly become fun if you drive to it in a pink ferari like some kind of whore. Unless, of course, that game of Tic Tac Toe is played with a feather on the back of a man's balls. And if you own Barbie Groovy Games, it is.
I know you might be thinking that gay jokes in response to a Barbie game-- that's an interesting and unexpected way to go. As a writer, it's important to fight against kneejerk reactions that any idiot would have exactly as I did there. To be honest, though, the homosexual premise just popped in there. A grown man playing a Barbie game... hard cock pumping into unexpecting but eager gentlemen... to me there was a connection there that made a crazy kind of sense.

This review and the many lines of sodomy associated with it were dramatically reduced in vulgarity before I even sent it in, then further reduced as it went through the editorial process. By the time three editors and the legal department were done, the final review was softened to a picture of a kitten singing, "Grandmas are God's treasures."

Originally appeared in issue #162