"Hi! I'm a boy, and this is my blob! I don't have too many friends, but I do have a neato bag of jelly beans I can feed to my blob. Then he turns into trampolines and things. But when we're not doing that, we like to play Ninja Gaiden! It's the best non-jelly bean game ever!" "Welcome back, and thank you a boy and blob! We are the Pro Wrestling commentators coming at you live from a capacity crowd at Seanbaby's web page! This crowd is really feeling the excitement as Ryu Hayabusa is still seeking revenge after losing his Intercontinental Ninja Title to Bloody Malth last weekend at the Assassin Cage Match! The buzz from the locker room is that Ryu is ready to take care of business with his ultimate Moonsault Attack Slash(tm)!! Now let's go live to the action!"
Before I start talking about Ninja Gaiden, I think you should read the beautiful prologue in its entirety.
"The wind howls as the two "Dueling" Ninjas glare at each other in the moonlight. Though these men seem like little more than shadows in the air, the moonlight reveals just for an instant, a glint of light that proves to be the end of the contest. Ken, head of the Hayabusa clan which has for generations been the guardian of the Dragon sword, is defeated. Ken's son Ryu, after learning of his father's defeat, finds a letter. In it Ryu is told that if his father does not return, he must take the secret Dragon sword and go to America. Ryu senses danger awaiting him in America. What will be the fate of Ninja Ryu!?"
Ryu's internal monologues are great plot devices.
Ha!  I shall slice! That's right, Ryu senses danger awaiting him in America. Maybe the prologue was written by the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee, but this game kicks ass. And I think it truly captures the mystic art of ninjitsu. There used to be some myth that came out in the eighties about ninjas being sneaky or something. Wrong. That is Western propaganda spread by shitty American martial arts movies. A true ninja just runs around on the streets in broad daylight and makes dogs explode with their sword. And when they destroy street lights, magic potions and devices fall out. And every bird that sees you will try to kill you. It's one of the few drawbacks of being a ninja. Birds hate you.
Grrr.
Sometimes a woman can sound like many when she is following you. A true ninja must always be aware of his surroundings. If a ninja is being followed, they must know it. As you can see, Ryu Hayabusa knows someone is behind him. It's just standard ninja procedure to turn your back to your hidden opponent and talk out loud to imaginary friends. A true ninja is also a chauvenist. Ryu is showing his sensitive side here.
Jesus Ryu! This isn't fuedal Japan! You're not supposed to say things like "Just a girl. Get out of here!" And why don't you just wear a god damn glow in the dark neon jumpsuit with sequins! That "just a girl" or "they" or whatever you want to call her tailed your ass like you were a tour guide leader! And who are you talking to? I'm not listening to you, I want to get back to playing some fucking Ninja Gaiden! And if you know someone's behind you, maybe you should turn around! Did you not know "they" were following you from behind? Was it her well camouflaged clothing or her groovy Robotech haircut that gave her her uncanny stealth? Or were you just too busy slicing street lights and puppies to notice her jogging behind you in her business suit and high heels? Why don't you try to hide on a giant Coke sign? Note: This "Just a girl" shoots Ryu with a tranquilizer dart and he wakes up in a prison cell with an unlocked door. A tranquilizer dart. This is a guy who gets hit by butcher knives bigger than him, and bimbo here takes him out with a tranquilzer dart. Nintendo Logic. No one can see me on a neon Coke sign!
Who are these mysterious ninjas?

Wow.  Am I mad. A true ninja will never lose their temper. Even when you're threatening someone with death, it's polite to take off your mask so they can see you smile. Removing your mask also makes it easier to romance the ladies. Women can't resist the charm, sophistication, and raw primal power of a real ninja. Watch as Ryu demonstrates the proper way to initiate the ninja kiss. Hot stuff.I am ninja.  Of course you want me.
My technique has no flaw! GAME HINTS:
The first boss is kind of tricky. He's a big blind retarded ninja with a butcher knife. His senses are dull, but he knows you're in the room somewhere. So be careful! He may seem impossible at first, but look for his weakness. He has a pattern to his attack. After taking a step forward, he will swing his knife at the air in front of him a few times. Try to manuever your ninja so he isn't standing there. This will be difficult if Ryu has lost his legs, but if you made it to the end of level 1 with your legs intact, it shouldn't take more than a few tries to beat this guy.
Daddy... make me a man. WHAT WE'VE LEARNED:
We've learned a lot of things about becoming a man, being sensitive to a woman's needs, assassin ettiquitte, and love. We've learned once again that violence is a great solution, but if you take away one thing from Ninja Gaiden, may it be a fear of birds.
The birds are singing.  Life is super.
OUR REVIEW:
GRAPHICS: 8. Your ninja looks bad ass, but a boy's blob says he hates the spiders. The coolest thing about the graphics is the fact that when you die, the screen just starts flashing different colors like your Nintendo just broke.
FUN: 9. You can play the shit out of this game, and you'll probably have to since the last level is such a bitch. I hate Ryu's dad. The Pro Wrestling commentators spent about 45 minutes each boss making up stupid names for their movement patterns and screaming them really loudly. A boy and his blob couldn't even make it past the snow level. A boy just kept feeding his stupid blob jelly beans and clapping his hands whenever he turned into something. The blob just grinned and metamorphed. These guys weren't the most helpful reviewers.
NINTENDO LOGIC: 5. This game is too accurate to be Nintendo Logical. Everyone knows a ninja does 16 flips every time they jump. And everyone knows that they run around throwing flames up in the air. The only reason this game got as high as a five was because sometimes Ryu runs through the snow and knocks magic weapons out of little hovering birds and the fact that getting hit by an eagle hurts more than a bazooka blast to the face.
So... so beautiful.
"Hee hee! When I fed that ninja cartridge to my blob, it turned into a giant invisible go-kart! Wheee!!! I'm going to go ride my blob! He's my best friend, and I love him!" "We've seen our share of exciting events tonight, but none more exciting than Ryu's Triumph over Bonk Bazooka and the Mysterious Panther! We're now going live to a live interview in the locker room with Ryu Hayabusa! Ryu! How does it feel now that you've regained your title, destroyed the evil castle, avenged your father, and seduced the woman sent to kill you?"
"I am ninja. My rife is difficurt and ronery." "Incredible! It seemed Evil Eagle had you on the ropes early in the match. Was it the crowd's cheers that helped you in your amazing recovery from his Deadly Double Talon Strike?"
"Ah... very important to have crowd cheer. When hear crowd, it rike ninja turn on the machine. Strike opponent swift and deadry rike the night." "Well, congratulations on your recovery of the Championship Ninja Belt, and good luck in the Halloween Showdown! This has been the Pro Wrestling Commentators coming to you live from Seanbaby's NES Page reminding all the little Seanimaniacs that winners don't use performance enhancing drugs! Good night!"

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