 | "Hi! I'm a
boy, and this is my blob! I don't have too many friends, but I do have a
neato bag of jelly beans I can feed to my blob. Then he turns into
trampolines and things. But when we're not doing that, we like to play
Ninja Gaiden! It's the best non-jelly bean game ever!" |
 | "Welcome back, and thank you a boy
and blob! We are the Pro Wrestling commentators coming at you live from a
capacity crowd at Seanbaby's web page! This crowd is really feeling the
excitement as Ryu Hayabusa is still seeking revenge after losing his
Intercontinental Ninja Title to Bloody Malth last weekend at the Assassin
Cage Match! The buzz from the locker room is that Ryu
is ready to take care of business with his ultimate Moonsault Attack
Slash(tm)!! Now let's go live to the action!" |
Before I start talking about Ninja Gaiden, I think
you should read the beautiful prologue in its entirety.
"The wind howls as the two "Dueling" Ninjas glare at each other in the
moonlight. Though these men seem like little more than shadows in the air,
the moonlight reveals just for an instant, a glint of light that proves to be
the end of the contest. Ken, head of the Hayabusa clan which has for
generations been the guardian of the Dragon sword, is defeated.
Ken's son Ryu, after learning of his father's defeat, finds a letter. In it
Ryu is told that if his father does not return, he must take the secret
Dragon sword and go to America. Ryu senses danger awaiting him in America.
What will be the fate of Ninja Ryu!?" |
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That's right, Ryu senses danger awaiting him in America. Maybe the
prologue was written by the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee, but this game
kicks ass. And I think it truly captures
the mystic art of ninjitsu. There used to be some myth that came out in the
eighties about ninjas being sneaky or something. Wrong. That is Western
propaganda spread by shitty American martial arts movies. A
true ninja just runs around on the streets in broad daylight and makes dogs
explode with their sword. And when they destroy street lights, magic potions
and devices fall out. And every bird that sees you will try to kill you.
It's one of the few drawbacks of being a ninja. Birds hate you. |
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A true ninja must always be aware of his
surroundings. If a ninja is being followed, they must know it. As you can
see, Ryu Hayabusa knows someone is behind him. It's just standard
ninja procedure to turn your back to your hidden opponent and talk out loud
to imaginary friends. A true ninja is also a chauvenist. |
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|
Jesus Ryu! This isn't fuedal Japan! You're not supposed to say things like
"Just a girl. Get out of here!" And why don't you just wear a god damn glow
in the dark neon jumpsuit with sequins! That "just a girl" or "they" or
whatever you want to call her tailed your ass like you were a tour guide
leader! And who are you talking to? I'm not listening to you, I want to get back to playing some fucking Ninja Gaiden! And if you know someone's behind you, maybe you should
turn around! Did you not know "they" were following you from behind? Was
it her well camouflaged clothing or her groovy Robotech haircut that gave her
her uncanny stealth? Or were you just too busy slicing street lights and
puppies to notice her jogging behind you in her business suit and high heels?
Why don't you try to hide on a giant Coke sign? Note: This "Just a
girl" shoots Ryu with a tranquilizer dart and he wakes up in a prison
cell with an unlocked door. A tranquilizer dart. This is a guy who
gets hit by butcher knives bigger than him, and bimbo here takes
him out with a tranquilzer dart. Nintendo Logic. |
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A true ninja will never lose their temper. Even when you're threatening
someone with death, it's polite to take off your mask so they can see you
smile. Removing your mask also makes it easier to romance the ladies. Women
can't resist the charm, sophistication, and raw primal power of a real ninja.
Watch as Ryu demonstrates the proper way to initiate the ninja kiss. Hot
stuff. |  |
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GAME HINTS:
The first boss is kind of tricky. He's a big blind retarded ninja with a
butcher knife. His senses are dull, but he knows you're in the room
somewhere. So be careful! He may seem impossible at first, but look for his
weakness. He has a pattern to his attack. After taking a step forward, he
will swing his knife at the air in front of him a few times. Try to
manuever your ninja so he isn't standing there. This will be difficult
if Ryu has lost his legs, but if you made it to the end of level 1 with your
legs intact, it shouldn't take more than a few tries to beat this
guy. |
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WHAT WE'VE LEARNED:
We've learned a lot of things about becoming a man, being sensitive to a
woman's needs, assassin ettiquitte, and love. We've learned once again that
violence is a great solution, but if you take away one thing from Ninja
Gaiden, may it be a fear of birds. |
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OUR REVIEW:
GRAPHICS: 8. Your ninja looks bad ass, but a boy's blob says he
hates the spiders. The coolest thing about the graphics is the fact that
when you die, the screen just starts flashing different colors like your
Nintendo just broke.
FUN: 9. You can play the shit out of this game, and you'll probably
have to since the last level is such a bitch. I hate Ryu's dad. The
Pro Wrestling commentators spent about 45 minutes each boss making up
stupid names for their movement patterns and screaming them really
loudly. A boy and his blob couldn't even make it past the snow level.
A boy just kept feeding his stupid blob jelly beans and clapping his
hands whenever he turned into something. The blob just grinned and
metamorphed. These guys weren't the most helpful reviewers.
NINTENDO LOGIC: 5. This game is too accurate to be Nintendo Logical.
Everyone knows a ninja does 16 flips every time they jump. And everyone
knows that they run around throwing flames up in the air. The only reason
this game got as high as a five was because sometimes Ryu runs through the
snow and knocks magic weapons out of little hovering birds and
the fact that getting hit by an eagle hurts more than a bazooka
blast to the face. |
 |
| "Hee hee!
When I fed that ninja cartridge to my blob, it turned into a giant
invisible go-kart! Wheee!!! I'm going to go ride my blob! He's my best
friend, and I love him!" |
|
"We've seen our share of exciting
events tonight, but none more exciting than Ryu's Triumph over Bonk
Bazooka and the Mysterious Panther! We're now going live to a live
interview in the locker room with Ryu Hayabusa! Ryu! How does it feel
now that you've regained your title, destroyed the evil castle, avenged
your father, and seduced the woman sent to kill you?" |
 | "I am ninja. My rife is
difficurt and ronery." |
 | "Incredible! It seemed Evil Eagle
had you on the ropes early in the match. Was it the crowd's cheers that
helped you in your amazing recovery from his Deadly Double Talon
Strike?" |
|
"Ah... very important to have crowd cheer. When hear crowd, it rike ninja turn on the machine. Strike opponent swift and deadry rike the night." |
| "Well, congratulations on your
recovery of the Championship Ninja Belt, and good luck in the Halloween
Showdown! This has been the Pro Wrestling Commentators coming to you live
from Seanbaby's NES Page reminding all the little Seanimaniacs that
winners don't use performance enhancing drugs! Good night!" |
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