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"I am Arthur, and I said I would never rest until I rescue my beloved from the clutches
of the evil horned demon, Satan! But when Seanbaby asked me to help him talk about Pro Wrestling, I forsook my lady for the chance to share my love for this game. But by the gods, what a strange beast I must share the page with!" |
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"Dodongo... dislike smoke. Bombs... hurt Dodongo... kill... Link. Rrrr... Like... Pro Wrestling. Funnn....." |
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This is the greatest wrestling game of all time. No, this is the best
sports game of all time. It's the adventures of six freaks and their
quest to defeat the Great Puma to become the ultimate V.W.A. champion.
It's so real that if you were sitting next to a fat red neck holding his
three year old he dressed up like Hulk Hogan, you would have the complete
Pro Wrestling experience. In fact, according to The Official Nintendo
Player's Guide, 1987, says that "This is a magnificently
realistic simulation of a real Pro Wrestling game. From the acrobatic
Star Man, to the more orthodox King Slender, there are many wrestlers,
each using their own variety of techniques. Which one do you want to use
to take the Champion Belt?" And I'm afraid those are not typos.
It really is a realistic simulation of a Pro Wrestling game. |
| Fighter Hayabusa is the first of the wrestlers in
the Video Wrestling Association. His name sounds Japanese, but he looks
European to me. That doesn't mean anything, though. Cartoons and video
games have taught us that all Japanese people look like Westerners.
Hayabusa is sort of the pathetic wrestler of the league with his trademark
Back Brain Kick. This is a move that Hayabusa-san will do when he wants
to fall on the ground. Whenever you stand below your opponent and press
kick, he jumps up into the air and lands on his ass. If you are fighting
someone retarded enough to stand still for it, the crowd goes wild when it
hits. Fighter Hayabusa has been beaten by everyone in the league
including Prince Bowling Ball, the midget from Uruaguay, and the Puerto
Rican chupacabra they dress up in overalls. |
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PLAYER NOTE: A little known technique known as the Milon's Secret
Kareoke Slap can be used by Hayabusa that devastates your opponent with a
barrage of what appear to be music notes enclosed in soap bubbles. A code
must be entered at the title screen for this to be effective which
involves singing and hitting Reset many times. If
entered correctly, a little boy in pajamas will come out
riding a toad and scream something in unrecognizable digitized
Japanese. Now you're ready! Unleash the Kareoke Slap on
your opponent! |
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Starman is a mysterious Mexican wrestler who hides his face behind his
astro mask. No one knows his real age, but rumors indicate that he could
really be the Amazing Taco Bomber who disappeared from the Mexican Pro
Wrestling scene back in 1928. That would make Starman 96 years old. This
theory has been used to explain his ability to use the incredible
Somersault Kick, since it does take over 60 years to learn. This, along
with the flying forearm shiver he stole from Tito Santana and renamed Flying
Cross Chop to show off his Catholic heritage, make Starman one of the
more effeminate wrestlers. Six year old Denver resident, Timmy Olson,
once said of him on television, "He has a pink suit and a big gay star on
his face." Many opponents of Star Man have quoted Timmy in an effort to
infuriate the unmanly Mexican, but the final insult came when the Amazon
carved "Old Fag" on Starman's chest with one of Fighter Haybusa's Ginsu
knives. Star Man announced the next week that he was retiring for
"unrelated reasons." Later that year, a 96 year old man joined the
Mexican figure skating team. |
| PLAYER NOTE: Don't miss with the Flying
Cross Chop. If you do, not only do you fall and look like an idiot, but
the evil Bucho will close down the ninos' orphanage! Fight! Starman! For
the children! |
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| Although King Slender is the four-time VWA
Champion, he has yet to get respect from any of the other wrestlers. He
is basically the league's tool whenever they need to do public service
announcements. He's always busy making speeches about the usefulness of
prayers and vitamins instead of threatening to tear the lungs from his
opponent like a wrestler's supposed to. The fans hate him too, and one
enraged group of white trash attendees, wearing body paint and cheese
wedge hats, nearly stoned him to death with various fruits. League
officials claim they were laughing too hard to stop the brutal beating.
There were no flowers sent to his hospital room, even from his mother. No
one likes Slender. |
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PLAYER NOTE: Not only is King Slender a skinny albino, he is
also the worst character to pick. He doesn't even have a Mongolian Chop.
But more importantly, whenever you are King Slender, you have to fight 5
extra times to beat the game. I'm not sure if this was to balance out his
incredible fighting prowess, or the more likely, to make sure no one likes
him. |
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A master of all martial arts, Kin Corn Karn gave up a brilliant career
as a Magnum PI fight choreographer to become a pro wrestler. His English
has never been good enough to explain the motivation behind this, and
since his Korean is equally bad, experts believe he is simply an
extraordinarily retarded man. When asked of his origin, he usually
replies with, "Kin Corn is me! There is no doubt of my goodness!"
However, The Official Nintendo Player's Guide said this about him:
"This wrestler is from Korea. He's good at Karate style techniques.
Although his moves are comical to see, he puts his weight behind them and
really inflicts a lot of damage." They use the word "comical" as a
euphamism for "fucking stupid." His punch, excuse me, his Mongolian Chop,
was the most ridiculous attack in the history of violence. He jumps into
the air and comes down a foot in front of where he was with a double
handed clap. In the unlikely event that someone is there waiting for him,
it hurts about as much as a normal punch. |
| PLAYER NOTE: If you accidentally pick
the martial arts master, Kin Korn Carn, just hit reset. |  |
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Whenever you're lucky enough to defeat your mighty computer opponent,
you are treated to a display of the Nintendo's graphic capabilities. All
the members of the crowd begin to change colors right before your eyes!
What an exciting and amazing visual feast! When Arthur finally beat
Fighter Hayabusa and the crowd did this, he screamed, "What manner of
sickness is this!?" I laughed and tried to explain that at the end of
most American sporting events, people in the crowd start to spontaneously change colors. To which he responded, "Really? In my country people make sounds like goats. HAHAHA!" I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to mean. |
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| The nationality of the mysterious The Amazon is
unknown. With his obscure name and vicious Pirhana Bite, fans are baffled
as to the origin of this wrestler. Speaking only in Portugeuse, and
wearing a Brazilian flag, the secretive warrior known only as The Amazon
rarely gives interviews. And when he does, he usually grabs the
sportscaster's face and bites most of it off. Sometimes he will grab them
in a modified headlock and shake their head around a few times. Then he
does a little dance while screaming, "Outlaw Choke! Outlaw Choke!" This
wrestler is a favorite among the criminally insane, African cannibals,
voodoo practitioners, and people with birth defects. The Amazon has yet
to be fully accepted by the American fans, and were they not frightened of
him so much, they would probably give him the King Slender fruit
treatment. But after the slaughter of 1979 in an Arkansas arena, people
are very respectful to the pea soup colored mutant. And to the survivors
of that night, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. |  |
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PLAYER NOTE: Dance, The Amazon! The Amazon is the only wrestler
that dances after a move, and he is also the only wrestler that has an
"Eat" button. When your opponent is on the mat, press both A, B, and
Select at the same time to eat them. Not only does this hurt them, but
your health is partially restored! Use this technique to win Champion
Belt! |
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The Giant Panther was originally the spokesman for LubeSlap Tanning
Oil, but was forced to retire after the public found out about the animal
testing, hallucinogenic ingredients, and carcinogens involved in the
product. He did what most out of work actors do, he joined the circus.
However, due to the severe radioactive mutations his skin had gone through
from the LubeSlap Oil, clown make up was impossible to apply. Luckily,
The Giant Panther had an uncle who knew a referee in the VWA. Six months
of steroid enhanced training and one metal plate in the head later, The
Giant Panther emerges as the VWA's master of the Head Butt! The
Official Nintendo Player's Guide describes it like this: "In Head
Butt, he butts you with his hard forehead." I wish that was a typo
too. |
|
PLAYER NOTE: Prolonged exposure to the Giant Panther has been known
to cause cancer in lab rats. Please handle him with caution. In case of
injestion, induce vomitting immediately and call
EMS. |  |
| A very little known secret character in this game
is named Seanbaby, and his two specialties are the Ultra Face Barrage, and
the Dynamite Crush Flip! To get him you have to enter an ultra secret
password code that requires you to pelvic thrust at controller two.
Seanbaby not only kicks ass, he also has cool sound effec
ts. Whenever he hits someone with his Dynamite Crush Flip, the NES makes
really shitty digitized Smash TV sound effects that say,
"Ykkkhhhooo Lkkkhhhh ikktt ykkkhhhooo bkkkktch!" Translation: "You like
it, you bitch!" After every fight, he goes into the crowd and pulls out a
chick that has one of those weird shirts that flashes different colors
every time you win. Then he dances with her while the game plays really
bad MIDI versions of cheerleader techno. When he dances, sparks and
things fly off of him and bombard his unconscious opponent. Then the
little chick jumps up and kisses him. And when you finally beat the game,
it has a Ninja Gaiden kind of movie where he holds up the belt and
screams, "Who's your daddy!?!" Then it shows his ass while he walks away
with the girl and it says: |
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"The final ceremony begin! But where is mysterious Seanbaby?"
"He is with girl."
"Ceremony mean nothing to him."
"For him, match is real magic."
Then it cuts to a scene with a bed, where Seanbaby sticks his head out of
the sheets and winks at you. A word bubble pops up that says, "Bye! Bye!"
Then some words appear at the top of the screen that say, "You are true
Pro Wrestling Master!" "Congratulation!"
Then the credits roll, where they give Special Thank to Taco, N. Hayamaku,
Toipo, Eep, and .... You. |
| To become the champion, you have to fight every
character about eight times. And if you lose a match, consider that
another three hours you'll have to play to get back to where you were.
However, when you finally do beat everyone, you are richly rewarded with
this screen. If I could stand playing this game with the sound on, I bet
there is some triumphant inspirational musical scores that accompany this
picture. But it would be pretty hard to get better than the game's normal
theme music which consisted of about 5 notes repeated over and over. Some
nights, when Dodongo gets a little crazy, he'll throw an island party where
we'll dance and limbo while the theme to Pro Wrestling is blaring on the
speakers. Lionel Richie stopped by during the last one and said, "Damn,
baby. This here is some funky nice groovin'." Then Dodongo ate Lionel
when he lit up a cigarette. Dodongo dislikes smoke. |
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The Great Puma kicks ass. If you can pin him, that's right up there
with KOing Mike Tyson and beating Battletoads. In fact, in honor of the
Great Puma, I'm going to describe him for you in the style of The Official
Nintendo Player's Guide, 1987. The Great Puma is very strong! He use
every wrestle technique to have Champion Belt! Watch out for Puma Pounce!
Try to injure him outside ring or use deadly Flying Attacks. Keep
attacking and surely will victory! |
GAME HINTS:
1. From The Official Nintendo Player's Guide, 1987: "Back Drop.
This is the move to throw your opponent. Even though he resist you, throw
him."
2. From The Official Nintendo Player's Guide, 1987: "Uh-oh!
You've used the Brainbuster at the very beginning of the match. Although
you try to lift your opponent up, you just can't. When it begins to look
like you are failing in your effort, you suddenly find that you are being
lifted up by your opponent instead! So, you end up being downed, in spite
of all your efforts. Brainbuster really works!"
|  |
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MORE GAME HINTS:
3. It's hard to hit the brilliant computer AI with Flying Attacks because
they always take a step up to avoid them. However, in the programmers'
infinite wisdom, they made it so the computer opponents try this even if
they can't move any further up. So if you want to run around the top of
the screen and clothesline the bad guys all day, go ahead.
4. From The Official Nintendo Player's Guide, 1987: "Push 'B' For
Next Moves. You've downed your opponent! Don't wait! Just press button B
and you can force him to get up. Grapple with your opponent when he
staggers up from the mat and then apply your next technique. You've
decided to use the Brainbuster next. This non-stop attack will surely lead
you to victory!" |
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WHAT WE'VE LEARNED:
Sports games usually teach us that teamwork is the answer, and that working
together, we can achieve anything! However, in this game we learned that
wearing a mask and beating people is a good way to make a living. The
Amazon showed us a new and fun dance we can do. We
learned from Star Man that not all professional fighters are manly, and
Kin Korn Karn taught us a valuable lesson about how Pro Wrestling can
cause serious brain damage. But the most important thing we learned from
this game is: Brainbuster really works! |
OUR REVIEW:
GRAPHICS: 3. I guess it would be pretty hard to make graphics worse
than these. I don 't know if it's the fact that they're all 90 pound
freaks, or if they just really suck, but they're at the same level of
aesthetics as Renegade. When I asked Arthur about them, he said, "A
thousand pardons, dear Seanbaby, but I must say the graphics are like that
of troll dung!" Dodongo let out a few grunts and snorts about how he
disliked smoke. I wish I would have got some more articulate reviewers to
express how bad these graphics are.
FUN: 9. Me, Arthur, and Dodongo had a 3 week Pro Wrestling
tournament. If we didn't have that midget waiter we captured at our
place, we would have died of thirst and starvation. I won the tournament
by wacking Arthur with a dead bird. His armor disappeared and he squealed
and ran out of the room in his underwear. While Dodongo was laughing, I
threw a bomb in his mouth. Then I piledrove their characters about 50
times. By the way, in the tournament we all played Kin Korn Karn. It was
Dodongo's idea.
NINTENDO LOGIC: 1. There is no Nintendo Logic in this game.
Everyone knows professional wrestling is real. |
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"For many nights have I not slept, for I play Pro Wrestling in its
stead. Yea, the Great Puma has even fallen before my Flying Knee Drop.
Dodongo, my new friend, how huge is your love for a game such as
this?" |
|
"Dodongo! Dodongo! Rarrr! Star
Man! Fuckk... Puma! Smoke... bad! |
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