||I'm Karnov, baby. And I shoot fireballs, ya dig!
I'm a bad mother fucker, and all my bitches know karate!
||And I'm Sky Kid! I defend the air from evil and
always eat my vitamins. I love chocolate!
And Karnov and I will be helping Seanbaby with this page! It's going to be
||I like to call it Karnov's Love Nest. C'mon in,
||This page, we're going to talk about the
super duper River
City Ransom! It should be really fun! But first... Karnov... what's a
||River City Ransom alone proves that humankind is worthy
of going on. This is probably the coolest Nintendo game anyone's ever made.
It's about these two high school kids, Alex and Ryan.|
Alex spends his time beating the shit out of people while Ryan tries to talk his
girlfriend into having sex. And since this is a licensed Nintendo game, you
can bet the raciest thing that will happen will be him getting to see his
fully clothed fat cartoony girlfriend do a strip tease where she almost takes off her hat. It's not a perfect world, but they're happy. That is, until the villain arrives.
||Okay, this is a pretty screwed up villain. His minions consist of gangs
of high school kids and evil bosses. I don't know what the hell he means by
evil bosses, but my guess it is a bunch of disgruntled Burger King managers.
Evil bosses... Jesus.|
Then the villain makes some comment about how his demands need to be met.
But I guess he was so busy describing his bosses, he forgot to mention any
demands. But we note that when he does make some, we should think about filling them. And if Alex and Ryan interfere, he's not going to kill Ryan's girlfriend or destroy the city or
anything drastic. They'll just have a fight. It's nice to see a villain
that takes hostages for no reason other than fun. I hate all of those bad guys that threaten
to kill their prisoners when you fuck with them.
|Here is a much more eloquent description
straight from the instruction booklet:
"Fortunately, Alex and Ryan weren't in school the day
Slick took it over. But now, their fellow students are prisoners - including
Ryan's girlfriend! It's up to our two young heroes to battle their way past
several dangerous city gangs, then defeat the gang lord to free the students
of River City High and restore peace to the panic-stricken
||This is more helpful text from the instruction manual:|
"Frat Guys: These poor rich boys have weak characters, and will
run away as soon as they think they are in danger. When they grab a weapon,
however, they change and get violent. They love to throw
|There is a lot more to do in this game than just beat up cowboys. The area around
River City High is also a great place to shop! Skykid's favorite hangout is
Merv's Burgers, where the smiles are always free. But most of his
money goes towards the magical Antidote 12 for his mother's
hypochondriasis. Karnov likes to take Alex
and Ryan out to Happy Feet shoes and buy them the Texas Boots for a night
of country line dancing. He's also a big fan of the combination plate at
Hack's Chicken Shack. Once he purchased the mysterious Techno Belt from
Toys Galore, but had to return it because of it's strange and frightening
|If you want a good description of a Home Boy, you
can just read the River City Ransom instruction manual:|
"Home Boys: These couch potatoes are slow, but fight their enemy with all
the strength they have. Lots of punch power."
|The malls and shops are great, and after an
afternoon of fighting "HOME BOYS," nothing tastes better than a delicious
Mondo Merv. But the coolest place to go in River City is the sauna. This
satisfied so many of my dreams of being in a room filled with naked
Nintendo characters. I usually spend most of the game in the sauna talking
about Metroids with Samus and eating magic mushrooms with Toad and Luigi.
Then Chubby Cherub will tell one of his dirty limericks, and the naked
Nintendo party just gets crazier from there. If only that little kid and his
frog from Blaster Master could have made it. There's always a wild time
when he lets Bayou Billy cruise around in the little tank.
1. When the guys you're beating up say "BARF!", or "Is this fun yet?" that
means they're dead. Pick them up after they turn into a coin.
2. When you're running really fast, try not to smack into a wall.
3. Don't let their trash talking get to you. They only do it because they
know it bothers you.
4. You've got to know your enemy. Here are some helpful tips about
Cowboys from the manual:
"Cowboys: They have very little kick power and don't like to attack
without weapons. But when these good ol' boys have weapons, look
|MORE GAME HINTS:
5. Want to know about Acro Circus?
"Acro Circus: With this Trick, you
turn a normal running jump into a spinning acrobatic attack. Spin around the
whole place and beat them all!"
6. And, of course, I would feel like a real dick if I didn't share the
manuals description of the fabulous Javelin Man with you.
"Javelin Man: Here's a Trick that works like magic! All you have to do is
pick up an enemy who you've beaten down to the floor, and throw him at
another one. Both of them will stay away from you for the rest of their
7. And finally, here is one of the game hints straight from the magical
handbook of River City Ransom.
"Try anything - you can make your own
exciting game. Anything may be possible, but don't forget, you'll have to be
GRAPHICS: 6. Karnov said the uhhh... bitches weren't sexy enough, and
Skykid said something about everyone being chubby. Then he went on and on
about some bug he found. God damn Sky Kid.
FUN: 10. Karnov wrote a 15 minute rhyme about how cool this game is,
and Skykid wets his pants with excitement every time he plays. This is the
best god damn game ever made.
NINTENDO LOGIC: 8. The "BARF!" is worth six points already, but I
also like the fact that my guy gets smarter and stronger right after eating
a juicy Merv Burger. Dead bodies quickly turn into bouncing coins,
And going into a book store and buying books called "Javelin Man" and "Acro
Circus" are the true definitions of Nintendo logic.
||I love to shop! And the sauna is fun! But I
think that this game is too violent. Mommy is always telling me to stay away
from violence. She is also always telling me to stop rubbing panties all
over my face! What do you think about this game, Karnov?
||Sheeit, little man, you know I don't like my
fighting games without lots of karate bitches. I like the sticks, though,
baby. Nothing like walking onto the "COWBOY'S turf" and cracking a big
ass stick across some white trash honky's face. Ya diggin' me, my
||You said it, Karnov! Want to go back to Seanbaby's main Nintendo page
|| You go ahead, baby. I got a date
with that fine little lady from Hack's Chicken Shack.|