Awwww yeah, baby. I'm Karnov, baby. And I shoot fireballs, ya dig! I'm a bad mother fucker, and all my bitches know karate! Hee hee! And I'm Sky Kid! I defend the air from evil and always eat my vitamins. I love chocolate! And Karnov and I will be helping Seanbaby with this page! It's going to be neato!
Awwww yeah, baby. I like to call it Karnov's Love Nest. C'mon in, baby. Hee hee! This page, we're going to talk about the super duper River City Ransom! It should be really fun! But first... Karnov... what's a pimp?
Nintendo's finest moment.
River City Ransom alone proves that humankind is worthy of going on. This is probably the coolest Nintendo game anyone's ever made. It's about these two high school kids, Alex and Ryan.
My heroes.  *sigh*
Alex spends his time beating the shit out of people while Ryan tries to talk his girlfriend into having sex. And since this is a licensed Nintendo game, you can bet the raciest thing that will happen will be him getting to see his fully clothed fat cartoony girlfriend do a strip tease where she almost takes off her hat. It's not a perfect world, but they're happy. That is, until the villain arrives.
Bad guys are always so eloquent. Okay, this is a pretty screwed up villain. His minions consist of gangs of high school kids and evil bosses. I don't know what the hell he means by evil bosses, but my guess it is a bunch of disgruntled Burger King managers. Evil bosses... Jesus.
Your Acro Circus can't stop me!
Then the villain makes some comment about how his demands need to be met. But I guess he was so busy describing his bosses, he forgot to mention any demands. But we note that when he does make some, we should think about filling them. And if Alex and Ryan interfere, he's not going to kill Ryan's girlfriend or destroy the city or anything drastic. They'll just have a fight. It's nice to see a villain that takes hostages for no reason other than fun. I hate all of those bad guys that threaten to kill their prisoners when you fuck with them.
Here is a much more eloquent description straight from the instruction booklet:
"Fortunately, Alex and Ryan weren't in school the day Slick took it over. But now, their fellow students are prisoners - including Ryan's girlfriend! It's up to our two young heroes to battle their way past several dangerous city gangs, then defeat the gang lord to free the students of River City High and restore peace to the panic-stricken populace!"
I couldn't have put  that any better, Roxy.
Put in a chew, wear your favorite beer shirt, and let the party start. This is more helpful text from the instruction manual:
"Frat Guys: These poor rich boys have weak characters, and will run away as soon as they think they are in danger. When they grab a weapon, however, they change and get violent. They love to throw weapons."
Try the gravy!

The mysterious Techno Belt!
There is a lot more to do in this game than just beat up cowboys. The area around River City High is also a great place to shop! Skykid's favorite hangout is Merv's Burgers, where the smiles are always free. But most of his money goes towards the magical Antidote 12 for his mother's hypochondriasis. Karnov likes to take Alex and Ryan out to Happy Feet shoes and buy them the Texas Boots for a night of country line dancing. He's also a big fan of the combination plate at Hack's Chicken Shack. Once he purchased the mysterious Techno Belt from Toys Galore, but had to return it because of it's strange and frightening powers. My toes are excited just thinking about this place.

Hey, baby.  Wanna test out this love potion with me?
If you want a good description of a Home Boy, you can just read the River City Ransom instruction manual:
"Home Boys: These couch potatoes are slow, but fight their enemy with all the strength they have. Lots of punch power."
No comment.
The gravy here is better than at Merv's.
The Fish Merv is outstanding.
The malls and shops are great, and after an afternoon of fighting "HOME BOYS," nothing tastes better than a delicious Mondo Merv. But the coolest place to go in River City is the sauna. This satisfied so many of my dreams of being in a room filled with naked Nintendo characters. I usually spend most of the game in the sauna talking about Metroids with Samus and eating magic mushrooms with Toad and Luigi. Then Chubby Cherub will tell one of his dirty limericks, and the naked Nintendo party just gets crazier from there. If only that little kid and his frog from Blaster Master could have made it. There's always a wild time when he lets Bayou Billy cruise around in the little tank. This sauna is so relaxing.

It'll take more than Javelin Man to make me say 'BARF!' GAME HINTS:
1. When the guys you're beating up say "BARF!", or "Is this fun yet?" that means they're dead. Pick them up after they turn into a coin.

2. When you're running really fast, try not to smack into a wall.

3. Don't let their trash talking get to you. They only do it because they know it bothers you.

4. You've got to know your enemy. Here are some helpful tips about Cowboys from the manual:
"Cowboys: They have very little kick power and don't like to attack without weapons. But when these good ol' boys have weapons, look out."
MORE GAME HINTS:
5. Want to know about Acro Circus?
"Acro Circus: With this Trick, you turn a normal running jump into a spinning acrobatic attack. Spin around the whole place and beat them all!"

6. And, of course, I would feel like a real dick if I didn't share the manuals description of the fabulous Javelin Man with you.
"Javelin Man: Here's a Trick that works like magic! All you have to do is pick up an enemy who you've beaten down to the floor, and throw him at another one. Both of them will stay away from you for the rest of their lives!"

7. And finally, here is one of the game hints straight from the magical handbook of River City Ransom.
"Try anything - you can make your own exciting game. Anything may be possible, but don't forget, you'll have to be strong."
When I die, I want my last word to be 'BARF!'
Weird shit like this happens all the time in River City. I didn't make this up.

WHAT WE'VE LEARNED:
In the end everything worked out. Cyndi got to go shopping, Ryan got laid, Alex got to beat up a city full of people, and the evil bosses learned to read. Kids, if there's one thing you take away from River City Ransom, may it be that violence is the answer to your problems. If you beat a gang member hard enough, he will become an honor student. And if you beat an honor student hard enough, he will give you his lunch money. And the final moral is: it's all about good grades and trips to the mall.

I swear this is the real ending.

Okay, so they're retards.

Acro Circus.  Wow. OUR REVIEW:
GRAPHICS: 6. Karnov said the uhhh... bitches weren't sexy enough, and Skykid said something about everyone being chubby. Then he went on and on about some bug he found. God damn Sky Kid.
FUN: 10. Karnov wrote a 15 minute rhyme about how cool this game is, and Skykid wets his pants with excitement every time he plays. This is the best god damn game ever made.
NINTENDO LOGIC: 8. The "BARF!" is worth six points already, but I also like the fact that my guy gets smarter and stronger right after eating a juicy Merv Burger. Dead bodies quickly turn into bouncing coins, And going into a book store and buying books called "Javelin Man" and "Acro Circus" are the true definitions of Nintendo logic.
Eat it, you bitch!


Hee hee! I love to shop! And the sauna is fun! But I think that this game is too violent. Mommy is always telling me to stay away from violence. She is also always telling me to stop rubbing panties all over my face! What do you think about this game, Karnov? Awwww yeah, baby. Sheeit, little man, you know I don't like my fighting games without lots of karate bitches. I like the sticks, though, baby. Nothing like walking onto the "COWBOY'S turf" and cracking a big ass stick across some white trash honky's face. Ya diggin' me, my man?
Hee hee! You said it, Karnov! Want to go back to Seanbaby's main Nintendo page now? Awwww yeah, baby. You go ahead, baby. I got a date with that fine little lady from Hack's Chicken Shack.

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