Secret Agent Barbie - Royal Jewels Mission
System: GBA

"Home base, ah, this is Mike at sentry post 8. We have an intruder on the third floor."

"Copy that, Mike. Where is the intruder now?"

"She's kind of bouncing up and down right next to me in a pretty blue and pink jumpsuit."

"My God. That's Secret Agent Barbie. Proceed with extreme fashion and fun!"
If I had to explain Secret Agent Barbie's gameplay, and I sort of do, it's a cross between Metal Gear Solid and teaming up with a talking candy bar to reunite your divorced parents. The difficulty is skewed for girls, who aren't really that good at anything, so the guards Barbie sneaks past barely have a chance of noticing her if she bumps into them. If this happens, panic. They won't try to escort you out, but they will talk excitedly about you to someone on the other end of their walkie talkies. If this happens, freak the fuck out.

The guards' handheld comm systems uplink directly to an anti-stealth security system that causes your Barbie Stealth meter to go down. When this is engaged, have only twenty to twenty five minutes to walk several steps away from the guard before your cover is blown. This may sound a little forgiving, but if you think about it, I fully imagine it could take about twenty minutes for a security guard to get his shit together and explain to his supervisor that a six foot blonde with a 12 inch waist in a catsuit is jogging through the compound. Especially when you consider that, made out of plastic or not, sexy women make guys spurt out the names of body parts when they talk. The guard would be like, "Sir! There's an intruder in sector creamy thighs! I repeat: voluptuous, shapely breasts!"
I get a little high-minded when I think something's been dumbed down to accomodate an idiot's idea of what an idiot is. I'm sure there's a girl out there so stupid she's incapable of moving Secret Agent Barbie past a guard during the time when he's NOT looking; I just don't think anyone should make games to accomodate her very, very specific mental disorder. Maybe they could make this abstract idea of a girl a Barbie Feed Bag, or a Barbie's Dream Leash.

I totally understand that we need games like this to train young hot girls to be ready for a world of self-entitlement where everything is easy for them, but what if an ugly girl gets ahold of it? That could cause a terrifying amount of confusion to the people around her. For example, have you ever been at the bar and had an ugly girl ask you to buy her a drink? This almost pops my brain every time. Forget coming up with a nice way to say no; it's like I have to come up with a way to explain the very fundamental laws of the universe to her.

Me: "Free drink? What, have you been playing Secret Agent Barbie!?"

Beast Girl: "What!?"

Me: "I SAID... Secret Agent Barbie!!!"

Beast Girl: "Sorry I couldn't hear! My last razor broke on a neck mole, and I didn't get a chance to SHAVE MY EARS!"

Originally appeared in issue #163