News like the bombing of the Chinese embassy make it difficult for smaller stories to break in. Not only was it an international tragedy, but it became a human interest piece when Chinese people became enraged after finding out all their last names mean "dick" over here.
Pilots responsible for the bombing claimed to have "never played video games that much," making the cause of this destruction perhaps an unsolvable mystery.
September 26th, 1999 - Who's the Real Cha-Ka?, Demands No One.

Recent natural disasters, civil wars, and presidents that have sex with fat girls have made it harder than ever for other events to make news. That's why it takes something like this story to grab national attention. Something as intense as one of TV's most beloved stars being dethroned and discredited.

Guitarist for Sugar Ray, Rodney Sheppard, claimed that he played that little cave kid on Land of the Lost. Not surprisingly, everyone in the world responded with, "Great, Rodney. Could you guys play that fucking every morning song again?"

But not everyone was so apathetic. The real cavekid, Philip Paley (known to his Pakuni tribe as "Cha-Ka"), hired a lawyer who would accept his land's giant strawberries as payment, and reclaimed his rightful place as the answer to a trivia question no one was going to get.

This turned out to actually work in favor of the former monkey child star, returning him to the national spotlight like his famous appearances on Planet of the Apes themed child pornography. And I'm hoping to duplicate Sugar Ray's publicity stunt with this announcement:
I played the girl on Baywatch that Pamela Anderson Played. Exclusive!
Joan Rivers Land of the Lost Fashion Special!

“Oh! Oh! Did you see that fur? And that slopey forehead! Oh! It's so bad, he should be drug into a slaughter house, butchered, and lit on fire to be left for dead in a malaria infested swamp!!!”*

*Readers take note: the untalented Joan Rivers has been removed so far from mainstream television, that the staff could not come up with a mockable catch phrase that would have been the comedic backbone of this impression. Our staff apologizes for our lack of knowledge and fashion accessories.

Today, Philip lives quietly in a small apartment he had decorated to look like the stick buildings of "his people" and still wears the original costume from the show. It smells of human waste and is so tight, his extremeties are a sickening uncirculated purple color. We recently met with this walking joke to discuss his feelings on this scandal. Below is an excerpt of our non-exclusive interview together:
During close-up dinosaur attacks, Land of the Lost would use puppet creatures instead of the regular Play-Do dinosaurs on blue screen effects. This was done to remind viewers that they were watching a show made for eleven dollars.
SB: What were your feelings when you first heard someone was taking credit for that embarrassing monkey thing you did?

PP: May-jee! May-jee! Umbra Go!!! (pounding his fists on one of the giant rocks in his living room)

SB: You're just fucking with me - I mean, these rocks, the outfit... this is a joke, right? Anyway, I heard you were in Chuck Norris' karate school before you were on the show. Was his hairy back the inspiration behind your costume?

PP: Kabi Ooka!! Brappoo! (investigates his own asshole with a short stick)

SB: This is sad. It's like watching Bob Denver carry around his Gilligan hat and beg "fans" for an excuse to put it on. I do have one last question though, why did you guys ever run from the Slestack? Those crossbows they used only shot like a foot and a half. Holly could have taken them out.

PP: Slestack!? Slestack!? (runs in random circles filling the room with the unwashed scent of his childhood outfit)

The interview went well, as Philip was very polite and willing to quote and talk about the show for hours. The finale came when he put a "Grumpy" dinosaur puppet on, and tried frantically to escape his right hand. He spun and spun and eventually fell oversized head-first into a pile of Land of the Lost lunchboxes (which we later learned was his entire salary for his seasons on the show). Then he got slowly up and pathetically offered us all autographs. We tried to be polite when he smashed his muddy handprint onto a kleenex and grunted "Cha-Ka! Cha-Ka!", but we just threw the nasty things in the mucky plastic wading pool he labeled "Swampa! Cha-Ka!! Swampa!" as soon as he wasn't looking.

Although, not documented, I was recently sentenced to three screenings of Gremlins by the Oregon state courts, and have developed a Land of the Lost theory. Holly, the clumsy girl who almost got eaten every episode, grew up and changed her name to Phoebe Cates so that when she took her tits out, we wouldn't come to the shameful realization that we're masturbating to pictures of the little girl from the dinosaur show.
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