August 6th, 1999 - CONGRESS RESPONDS TO SEANBABY

America holds a tribute to the natives' culture. Glorious celebration of the people it killed, or is the US avoiding the "toilet issue?"
My toilet demands were sent (see previous article - Seanbaby vs. Congress), and Congress did its best to put off their response. They passed a unique bill dedicating an actual week of the year to the heritage of a minority group - the Wakawnee Indian tribe. The group was "amazed" and "a little scared" of the intense popularity that followed including offers to speak at universities, shoe endorsement deals, and getting asked out by the prom queen.

"It was a brilliant idea," said one congressman. "As far as I know this week is the first of its kind and should improve communities and race relations. Plus, it was either this or another of those dyke parades."

Local business major and fraternity personality was also in favor of the celebratory week because "normally there's that big fuckin' hole between Grandparent's Day and Arbor Day where there are no good parties."

Rolling Eagle, Casino owner and member of the Tatanto tribe (future sports team mascot and sworn blood rivals to the Wakawnee), was angered by the news. He threw down his bag of mystical herbs in disgust and demanded, "Why isn't there a Tatanto week?" He was quickly calmed by a nearby mother's kind words, "Oh, Rolling. Every week is Tatanto Heritage week."

But perhaps Congress was happiest, because they managed to avoid the "space toilet" issue with 7 days of Wakawnee beaded tapestry slide shows. But their filibustering was stopped when the last of the proud firework selling Wakawnee were killed by fur trappers. Scalps will presumably be auctioned off on ebay with the caption "WOW!!! CHUNK OF INDIAN HEAD LAST MEMBER OF PROUD TRIBE L@@K!!!"

With no more diversity celebrations distracting it, our government had to deal with my important toilet demands I sent them, and below is the actual letter Seanbaby.com received this morning from a congressional employee. His name has been removed by request, and pictures of fat people have been added, but no text has been changed.

(above) Two Congress fans pose in what they call "LaserCart," the same type of vehicle used by Congress to deliver important messages and packages. My message, sadly, was delivered via email, a delivery device that cannot cannot drive through a solid concrete wall or fire rockets.


Subject: Congress' reply
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 11:58:09 -0400
From: JXXXXXXXXX@mail.house.gov
To: "seanbaby"


I thought you might want a response to your letter to Congress. Well I work for Congress, and may just be the only staffer who actually knows what typing in www.seanbaby.com leads to. Anyway, a large part of my work is responding to letters much like yours. So I am writing you three responses, with an explanation as to why you would receive each letter. This letter is the one we would send you if we thought you were crazy. I would estimate that an average Congressman gets about 5 "crazy" letters a week. A few real examples would be:

    A gentleman recently wrote every Congressman pleading for them to cancel the CIA's multi-million dollar program to train his cat into an assassin. Apparently the CIA has been trying to get to this guy for years and decided the only way to get close to him was by training his cat to kill him.


    A lady wrote in and explained in great detail how she has never taken the "bad drugs." An actual qoute "Daddy told me never to take the bad drugs, so I didn't. Cocaine and marijuana don't count so I think the government should give me these for free." While many of your readers may agree with this statement, sadly she qualifies as "crazy."


    Last would be the gentleman who wrote in to say that he does not understand why Bill Clinton is in so much trouble because of his affair with Monica Lewinsky. While his beginning argument has some valid points, he then goes on to explain in great detail how women are the root of all evil and we should be investigating Monica and Hillary. "Women are all liars, every last damn one of them, starting with Eve."

(above) Margaret Lawson from Cleveland frequently writes her Congressman from her son-in-law's computer. Neighbors rumor "We can see her watching TV from our garden. She seems to really like Judge Wapner's Animal Court." They go on to add, "Cute little program, that Animal Court."


He obviously had some issues and was probably dying to be gay. If we hadn't shredded his letter I could refer him to James Vipond and they could live happily ever after, in a little world that bends to their rules. Anyway this is what your letter would look like:

Dear Seanbaby:
Thank you for your letter regarding the supernatural capabilities of modern bathrooms. I appreciate your taking the time to write and share your thoughts on this particular issue. Congress will be facing many difficult decisions and it is important for me, as your representative, to be aware of your views. As the 106th Congress progresses, I look forward to your continued input and will keep your thoughts in mind. Again, thank you for letting me know your views on this matter. Please stay in touch and let me know if I can ever be of assistance in any way.
Sincerely,

Now if we had received several letters on this issue, we would assume that there must have been a newspaper article or telephone alert to rouse the mentally challenged. That would need a small alteration to the above letter. Something like this:

Dear Seanbaby:
Thank you for your letter regarding the supernatural capabilities of modern bathrooms. Like you, many other folks have written in to express their views on this important matter. Congress will be facing many difficult decisions and it is important for me, as your representative, to be aware of your views. As the 106th Congress progresses, I will look forward to your continued input and will keep your thoughts in mind. Again, thank you for letting me know your views on this matter. Please stay in touch and let me know if I can ever be of assistance in any way.
Sincerely,

"A common myth is that money buys power here in Washington. It doesn't, it buys longer letters."
I think it is important for nuts to have company and, as such, this letter lets them know that they are not alone in the world. Maybe it will encourage them to get out of their house and stop quoting scripture. Or maybe it will cause them to create an organization for the destruction of these evil bathrooms. They could get to wear T-shirts and have town meetings where they discuss the best way to dismantle a urinal. While bathrooms across the nation would suffer damage, these timid creatures would get the chance to socialize and smash porcelain, rather than write Congress and make appearances on Jenny Jones. Now there is a third category that I have not discussed, crazies who have given us money. A common myth is that money buys power here in Washington. It doesn't, it buys longer letters. If the person who wrote us the crazy letter had contributed to the Congressman's campaign in the past, special attention must be given and research will be done. So whoever is given the charge of writing this letter would have to find out if Congress has ever taken action, or if there is legislation out there that would address this problem. I have done this research and found two things, Congress has no proposed legislation regarding bathroom technology and Congress has never passed legislation on this particular area of bathroom technology. (You may recall that about 5 years ago Congress stated that all new toilets should only use 2.5 gallons of water per flush, so I could not say that Congress has never addressed bathroom technology) So the letter would have to get a little creative. Here goes:
Dear Seanbaby:
Thank you for your letter regarding the supernatural capabilities of modern bathrooms. I understand and appreciate your concerns in this matter. You make some very good points in your letter and I agree when you state "Even if you walk off the bus into some backwater town diner where you're served biscuits and bacon fat by a robbed grave, you'll find these space bathrooms." Like you, I believe that valuable funds are being spent on this research and that these funds could be better used in other areas. Unfortunately, the federal government does not currently regulate or fund the implementation and research of bathroom technology. As such, this industry is controlled entirely by private business. One of the largest producers of psychic bathroom technology is Poseer Enterprises Inc. This company is based in Taiwan and can be contacted through their website,
http://www.poseer.com/
4, ALLEY 2, LANE 133, CHI FENG, RD.
WU FENG HSIANG, TAICHUNG HSIEN, TAIWAN, R.O.C.
Tel: 886-4-3320207 Fax: 886-4-3327507

As you may know, Taiwan is qualified as a Normal Trade Relations (NTR) nation by the United States of America. At this time, there is no legislation that would affect Taiwan's trade status and Poseer Inc. will continue to send psychic bathroom products into the United States without restriction. If and when legislation regarding this issue comes to the House floor for a vote, I will certainly keep your thoughts in mind. Again, thank you for writing and bringing this matter to my attention. Please keep in touch and let me know if I can ever be of assistance in any way.
Sincerely,

(above) The donut lobby takes their powerful message to Congress. Sun and fat combine to cause "disgusting but deadly flood of sweat" according to family member of drowning victim.
As you can see, we inform the crazy and at the same time let them know who else they can bitch to. In this case it happens to be a company based in Taiwan, which is great because it cleverly passes the buck to a foreign nation that we have no control over. Ain't Congress grand. I respectfully request that you do not include my e-mail address or any other contact information for a few reasons. I love your site, but it is not politically correct and I do actually work for Congress. My Congressman is not a religious Republican, but a fiscally conservative one. Unfortunately, many in this party spend time talking about bringing this nation to god and ruin it for the rest of us. Also, I would hate to have my e-mail out in the open for people like Alienboy 52, or the aforementioned James Vipond. While Witch Hazel and Lis are more than welcome to drop me a line, I spend enough time answering unbalanced people and do not want to add that problem to my private life. Lastly, should you choose to publish this, it will add a mysterious "smoking man in government" type of ambiance to me. That would be cool except I don't smoke. Damn, I guess I will never be cool.

JXXXXX SXXXXXX
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