"Chopper One, this is Ground Control. Ah, it looks like there's a wounded man on your six waving a bloody flag with his right foot. He's naked, over."

"Ground control, this is Chopper One. What? Over."

"Chopper One, holy shit. He's just dropped an exploding cow. Repeat: holy shit. Over."
July 26th, 2001
Man Drops Cow, Explodes It

Human society invented art so there would still be pictures of breasts in case all the women got eaten by dinosaurs. It evolved into transcendent expressions of man's quest for meaning, then finally into depressed fruitcakes rubbing their feces on pictures of Jesus. But now everyone can stop. Last Thursday, an Austrian man, Wolfgang Flatz, set the limit of what art can achieve.

First, he covered himself in blood and hung naked from a helicopter. I agree with you that at this point he should have been been beaten by the pilot until he wiped himself off, put on some pants, and promised not to be such a queer anymore. But instead, and lucky for us, Wolfgang dropped an entire skinned cow 130 feet down into an abandoned building, which then exploded. The Mona Lisa might be worth 50 billion dollars, but name one part of her that's better than a skinless dynamite-filled cow dropped from a helicopter.

It's impossible to do something cool without outraging someone. In fact, I usually judge how cool I'm being by how many angry people are following me with signs. And while Wolfgang was redefining our definition of rad, a group of animal rights protestors dramatically turned their backs on his performance and passed out protest leaflets to the crowd. Their pamphlets might as well have said, "Please grab a shovel to help us dig several non-ass-compatible devices out of our asses," because no one read them. Because no one is ever going to pay attention to anyone stupid enough to intentionally turn their back on half a ton of exploding animal. Whether you like it or not, at least look at a god damn thing when it has a good chance of killing you. With preservation skills like that, I'm surprised they lived long enough to finish their pansy flyers. "Oh, a vehicle is driving out of control into this Kinkos? That's not quite for me; I'm strongly against vehicular disaster. I will protest this barbarism by looking away fromAAIIEEEEEEEEE!"

I honestly have never heard of an animal constitution, so I don't know what rights animal rights people talk about while they're crying and spray painting people's clothes. As far as I know, animals have the right to chew regurgitated weeds while they wait for someone to ram a steel rod through their brain and cover them in ketchup. Are these the rights the animal rights protestors cited when they tried to get Wolfgang's kickass cow bomb declared illegal, or did they make some up? "Your honor! According to section 18A of My Secret Diary, helicopter cows are to be given a full military funeral, not blown up in a totally totally sweet manner."

City officials actually had to come in and tell these people that the dead cow had the legal status of "food," and that "throwing food around is not illegal." That's humilating. You need to get out of the angry parade and go back to school if the government has to come in to help you figure out what food is. It was a dead and skinned cow, what more of a hint did you need, a pile of fries and a pickle? And besides, who should care if it was still alive? It's not like the thing was an ambassador before they tore its skin off and filled it with dynamite. Fuck animal rights activists-- the second a cow comes within sight of a human it should be considered walking food wrapped in shoes.

"Good morning, Bessie! Who's the prettiest cow? Who's the pr... wh-why are you... ticking?"
Claudia Pfister, a spokeswoman for a Berlin animal rights group, said that she feared the event would lead to copycat art, such as, get ready for this: "people throwing their pet dogs out of windows."

Now this crazy bitch is just trying to get offended. She thinks that people will see a pile of beef fall from a helicopter, and she's worried they're going to drop their dog out of a window? For that to happen people not only have to watch Austrian performance art, but they'd have to think their window was a helicopter, and then forget that dogs are not cows. You might as well worry that they're going to shave their balls and learn to fly.

After almost every event, people say insane things like that. Someone tells a news reporter their grim view of the near future where everyone is an uncontrollable madman hoping their TV will teach them new and interesting ways to murder. We should call these nonsense sound bytes Crybaby Madlibs. And as a special service for those of you who are planning to one day be a pussy convincing a news camera how a show is going to persuade your kid to jump in front of a car, I've included the formula for creating your very own Crybaby Madlibs. It's been filled it out to showcase a sample of its effectiveness:

Noun: Melty Creature
Plural Noun: history's greatest presidents
Verb: reindeer
Another Plural Noun: college sluts gone wild
Another Verb: facilitate
Another Noun: holocaust

"We are strongly urging parents to write their state's Melty Creature. If a child were to see this show's irresponsible scenes of history's greatest presidents and how they reindeer themselves with college sluts gone wild, they may think that they too are able to facilitate a holocaust!"

On to Part Two

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