Utah governor Michael Leavitt (dork above) holds up a "magic drawing" of his imaginary friend, King Huggles. Minnesota Governor, Jesse "the artist" Ventura, (bad motherfucker, above right) holds up a similar drawing, wiggles it around, and mockingly sings, "Look at me! I'm Governor Leavitt's magic pal! If you wish hard enough, I can take you to the land of gumdrops on a beautiful pony!"


In an unrelated story, this baby can dig holes at an incredible rate and is destined to lead us to an underground utopia and a new age of enlightenment. Perhaps that's why he is known to the children as Ultrababy X.
August 7th, 1999 - Smart Kids get even Smarter
The National Governors Association annual meeting was held today in St. Louis, and their opening act was a demonstration by students at the Gateway School. Coming back from last year's well-received performance "Five Man Pyramids Celbrating Clean Ears and Cultural Diversity," they wow the crowd of Governor Association lovers with a new act - the Smarter Kids Task Force.

In it, they described a monster, which eight of our elected officals illustrated with a box of color crayons and a touch of imagineering. Governor Michael Leavitt from Utah, a state best known for its shallow Mormon gene pool, was the crowd-favorite, the children appreciating his simplistic style derivitive of the Iconoclastic period of Byzantine art, and the man's funny little belly.

Governor Venura from Minnesota, a state best known for its pro-wrestling governor, was not received as well. The crowd hissed at his monster's springy legs and unexplained purple blotches, but roaringly counted along for every time time Ventura smashed Governor Leavitt's head into the event's turnbuckles. Utah's Governor counter-attacked with a guillotine choke, but Jesse the Mind easily reversed it into a crushing vertical suplex. Before a satisfying victory occured, the other six Governors rushed into the ring resulting in a double disqualification and a disturbingly sexy pile of well dressed old men.

When asked how any of this made the children smarter, a spokesman for the event responded, "Look up there. It's a bunch of grown men scribbling pictures of little monsters with coloring crayons." Gesturing back to the crowd of Gateway School students, he adds, "Kind of makes the fact that none of these retards can read or tie their shoes a little bit less important, doesn't it?"

"I got the idea from my wife," he continues. "She used to always bring her fat and ugly friends out with her in college so she'd look better. My wife isn't very attractive by any standards, but I mean THESE were serious beasts. Next to them, I could have sworn she was a model..." His speech then trails off, as he glares at his wedding band in remorse.
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