November 27th - The Alaskan War on Drugs Continues with Airport Super Device Last Week, the Alaska State Troopers' Statewide Drug Enforcement Unit (who humbly insists you just call him Walt when he's not at work) seized two kilos of cocaine from luggage at the Anchorage International Airport last week. Local drug experts and third grade honor students informed the police that that's nearly $200,000 in street value. The Itemiser (see right column) is already replacing drug-sniffing dogs (special dogs trained to sniff out narcotics) and experts say after some additional testing, it could even replace luggage monkeys (airport monkeys that ransack passenger luggage replacing any drugs found with dirty monkey diapers). And with the number of drug users still growing hundreds of times faster than the number of drug arrests, the Itemiser is sending a very strong "don't get high at the airport" message to the people. Two kilos is a very large amount of cocaine according to the metric system, and probably would never have been found without the Itemiser because according to Anchorage Press, the drugs were "cleverly hidden inside the bags." But you probably already knew that since their paper is subtitled, "ANCHORAGE'S MOST WIDELY READ WEEKLY NEWSPAPER." And if they wasted the adverb "cleverly" on some traffickers who just hid their drugs in their damn bag, I wonder what they would say about how I smuggled nine bottles of diet pills across the Oregon-Washington border in my ass. They'd probably call me the real-life James Bond as soon as they were done making fun of the grimace on my face and the funny walk I was doing.

The new drug detecting device is called The Itemiser (right), an instrument normally used to detect explosives that's being modified to find drugs - much in the same way Jim Varney (above) modified lanterns into deadly projectile missiles in Ernest Goes to Camp, or how he and a small group of streetsmart campers turned two ordinary crates of turtles into unstoppable biting paratroopers. In fact, most of our government's best ideas and propaganda are based on Ernest movies. That's why Malaysia laughs at us.

I hate to have to do the work of anti-drug marketers, but I've already started a campaign called "El DeBARGE wants you to TAKE CHARGE! by saying NO!" And with stars like El, it might actually work. I haven't legally cleared it with them yet, and I don't even know if that thing on the right is a man or a woman, but I do know I wouldn't even fuck it with Anchorage criminal defense attorney Rex Butler's cock. Now that I think about it, maybe DeBarge shouldn't be used for an anti-drug campaign, because that's taking away the only really reasonable excuse for their hair. You should also note that this picture was scanned from my girlfriend's copy of Rhythm of the Night. I swear it's not mine.

So we know about how great things are going in Alaska, but what about states where people don't move to to clean fish or just die alone? Over here, we don't use faggy space toasters to save our people from the horrors of being high. No, here the war on drugs is fought with cutting edge commercials with "straight-talk" statistics. For example, you might have seen from a recent movie theatre spot that a casual marijuana user (everyone) is 7 times more likely to try other drugs. And my statistics show that after inhaling marijuana, you're 8 times more likely to put something on a burrito that you would have never considered eating 20 minutes earlier. This is a new propaganda tactic, because those so-called trained doctors accidentally proved pot wasn't addictive or harmful with their anti-establishment scientific testing and experiments. The public is stupid, but it's hard to convince even them that something harmless is going to ruin their lives. Especially when it's coming from the same people that sell us cigarettes and watch us die coughing from flying government palaces. Other popular new statistics used to help us learn about the dangers of drugs say, "Sure, you think everyone is taking marijuana, but it's really only 1 out of 5." One out of five? That's more than the number of people that watch Friends. Shit, that's like 7 times more than the number of people that vote. So I guess if we as a society decided we all wanted to smoke pot but didn't want to let ourselves do it, I'll go along with it. But I hope we feel stupid. Anchorage criminal defense attorney Rex Butler is against the Itemiser. “This machine, as far as I’m concerned, has a very noble purpose,” he says before joking, “...but I also believe it can ruin a person’s vacation.” Let me tell you what can ruin your vacation, Rex Butler. Finding out it's illegal to pee on a hooker when you're visiting Mexico with your boy scout troop. Ignoring my long Mexico peepee story completely, Rex Butler goes onto explain how the Itemiser is only used to get a search warrant, not to get evidence. Airport security has to observe what they deem suspicious behavior before they can ask someone to submit to it. And judging by the fact that every bag I've ever brought into an airport has been x-rayed, searched, and humped by a specialized luggage-humping staff, Rex Butler is probably an idiot. Not being in third grade anymore, I'm not a big part of the drug community. And since I get high on hugs not drugs, and would hate to do something that our rules say not to, my research for this article did not involve the intake of any controlled narcotics. Instead, I watched the film Crack Whores of America (right) starring crackwhore stars Crown Princess, Sinnamon, Mr. Marcus, Sha-Sha, and Tamisha Allure. So this is the opinion I came to about drugs: anything that produces porn this nasty is something that I am adamantly against. And that includes Japan and people that eat poop. So don't do drugs. And if you do, don't film yourself fucking afterwards.