Dec. 23rd, 1999 - They Ate The Prom. Now They Try to Eat Miguel.
It began on Friday the 17th. A letter was sent to popular social critic Miguel Roya concerning his site, Fat Chicks In Party Hats. Two days later, the same letter was forwarded to me with a request to "LAUGH AT THIS FATTY!" And that's what I did. This wasn't just any unwilling star of the page. No small timer like Space Fag, Bean Lady, or Melty Creature's family. No. The ultimate star. The fatty that ATE THE PROM.
From: Deidra BabeAs of Thursday, Miguel claims he has not been contacted by this rampaging beast's attorney, and does not know what a "foreign piece of party-fuck" is. We assume given the size of Deidra, that it has something to do with food, and that most of her sentences have an "I want a cup cake" subtext. One of Deidra's friends, CherubJuli (also made of ham), sent this angry letter to Miguel, me, FCIPH's server, advertisers that run on FCHIPH, and several world leaders.
From: CherubJuli@aol.comI'm sure most of the fatjoke loving community is scared by the note, but experts say not to worry. Normally, to be considered slanderous or defaming, the thing you're suing against has to affect your career. Maybe when one of these people apply for a job, the interviewer says, "Oh my.... according to a Mexican teenager's website, it says here you are made of ham. I'm afraid there is no place in our company for someone 'made of ham' at this time. Wait... he also states that... you are also a beanbag? Please hop out of the office immediately before I call security. Cindy-- send in the next applicant. And no more of these... these talking ham beanbags."
And also, it helps if your reputation is affected by the slander you're suing against. Are these people calling each other and saying, "Sorry. I can't come over for your dinner party this weekend, Julie. I found out today on the Internet that you're fat." But I think Miguel best put this legal battle into perspective with his response to FatJuli's letter, "WHY SO MAD FATTYS! YOU HAVE A HAT! ENJOY THE CHILI!!!!"
But back to Deidra. From her website, we learn a lot about this eater of the prom (note: links don't currently work on her site because she is fat). She writes poems about her dogs and gives tips on how to keep them from falling off your lap if you're shaped like a beanbag. She's even nice enough to list her insane physical statistics. This helps Japanese gamblers better determine what creature to place their bets on during the next Giant Monster Unlimited Class Wrestling Tournament. And since the lay man has no possible way to understand her massive measurements, I've spent the last week travelling the city tracking down scientists, prostitutes, and other experts to help put them into understandable terms.
Name: Deidra A. Daley
Known to her friends as the Daley Double or Visual Pollution. On the Tokyo circuit they call her something that loosely translates as Lard Tubed Bigeye Tuna.
Super-Size Model & Actress
As Deidra says, "I am seeking Work and Representation at the present time." So she might as well say she's an astronaut, an olympic gold medalist, or Ricky Martin.
No samples of her voice were on her site, but physiologists estimate it can be reproduced by pounding on a bass drum or farting. Science fiction fans may have heard her work before, where one of her famous lines was, "There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die*. Ah. Ha. Haaaaa."
*translated from fart sounds
Physicists hope she's lying - if she is only 31, this indicates she is expanding at a rate faster than our universe, the implications of which are not yet known.
Note: height may increase if she is placed on her side.
Weight: 420 lbs.
That's enough mass to tear most elevators off their cables into a fiery explosion of butter and debris. But to better put this into perspective - if you piled her on top of herself, it would take 19 of her to reach the moon and back.
Hair:Long, Thick, Blonde
Able to be seen from space.
Eyes: Deep Blue
"Deep" here referring to the distance of her pupils to the surface of her face - an astonishing 8 water-retaining inches.
Bra straps this large can only be made by a small parachute manufacturing company in Italy. Metallurgists began working on an alloy capable of supporting her breasts, but were unable to distinguish them from the other breast-like layers of flesh located many places from her "neck" down. Since then, the metallurgists have given up and are using their talent on an easier project: a helmet that can travel through time. They will call it Time-Hat.
Were she to attach child-sized baskets to her belt and spin, she would be considered a medium to large sized carousel. But this plan requires finding a belt that can fit around her, and of course, that's not possible. After you hit the metric ton point of your lifelong binge, you spend most of your time shopping in the elastic section.
While this statistic may be interesting, it remains unknown why Deidra decided to measure loose areas of fat on her body. Upper Arm Flap and Third Chin Circumferance measurements removed from report for reasons of the human gag reflex.
A small car with the tires removed. This may be the reason she was upset enough to devour the prom - a clumsy dance step earlier in the night made her "shoe's" airbag go off, severely stubbing her toe.
it would take 8 slow dancers to completely encircle this distance, but local firemen say this is a bad idea because of the danger of participants becoming pinned under the previously documented Lower Belly.
when reached for comment, local GAP salesperson said, "what the hell is a size 34? ha ha ha that's like saying size ten hundred! You can't even picture it. What is it, like two holes punched in the bottom of a tent? You're probably going to want to go the sporting goods store at the end of the mall."
The fat community, upset at their portrayal as overweight, are outraged by Miguel's site. They have started online discussions of how much they hate it on Abundance Magazine, best known for the giant naked ass on their logo, and NAAFA, best known for the logo I designed for them here. Some of them have even attacked Miguel for being Mexican and demanding he return there. Besides the fact that national borders probably won't affect his website much, it's not okay to make fun of people for being from a certain country. It is however, okay to make fun of obese people because they're all the same ("recent nuero-electronic research indicates fatasses, or 'fattys' as they are commonly known, all share identical personality traits because of a swelling of gravy in the area of the brain that causes individuality. They form a type of hive community and communicate through patterns of sweat secreted into their giant clothing." - Woods, 1999). And I know I've been guilty of country-ism in the past, so I would like to apologize to Canada with the help of Marvel Comics for all the jokes I've made at the proud country's expense. I promise to send apologies the rest of the world's nations as more comic books become available.
I know you've come to expect a level of professionalism from Seanbaby.com, but I'd like to take a break from this journalistic impartiality and editorialize. Because I think you need more than just the straight facts this time.
When I was growing up, we had a shop teacher that was missing most of his fingers from years of being stupid and near saws. He was also almost completely deaf. Every member of the class set the alarm on their watch to go off constantly, so while he banged his fingerless stumps against the chalk board and talked about power-tool safety, his speech was drowned out by a small symphony of beeps. This happened every day for a year, but it didn't really hurt our education. Watching an old man's moustache bounce up and down to the sound of watch alarms was still more productive than Social Studies or Music Appreciation.
One day he finally heard us, and said loudly, "That's enough with the beep beeping." But unlike the fat community, when he found out he was being made fun of, he didn't accuse us of wanting to fuck him. And when we went to the carnival later that day to laugh at lobster boy and his can't-pick-the-thing-up antics, amateur psychologists didn't walk up behind us and scream, "Why are you laughing?! You guys probably just want to have SEX with Lobster Boy!" No, accusing someone they want to have sex with you looks like it's something that only fat people do. (The gay community's response to the last sentence: "Hellooooo!!!??? We've been saying for years that gay bashers want to hump us!") This pathetic phenomenon has been well documented by Jerry Springer, 1995 to present.
What goes through their heads? "Someone's making fat jokes!! Looks like this slice of party ham is gonna get laid tonight! Oh, all this talk about food is making me hungry. Your mind tricks won't work on me, Jedi. Waa haaa haaaa." According to the NAAFA message board (in the rare non-cheeseburger related forums), this is pretty close. Here's one of many such messages:
I wonder...Later, on the Fat Chicks In Party Hats Forum, one lady forgot the fatty motto: "Party Hats, Sandwich Cats! Stop Eating Never, Fatty Time Forever!" and sent this angry letter in. We're assuming he/she's either at least moderately retarded or this is their first hate mail. All we really know is that she thinks you want to sleep with her - a physical impossibilty and probably the most embarrasing thing you can get caught doing.
I am so impressed you know what satire means!! oh my goodness. Did daddy teach you that when you went crying and boo hooing. Daddy my website might get taken down!!!
© Miguel Roya, 1999, all rights reserved.®
The Defendant: Miguel Roya, the brilliant latin comedian. In his own words: "i am from Mexico and i live in california in a hat of a giant fatty. i do not have a photo of me on the page because i am a secret. maybe i am one of the lards in the up photo. maybe i am the suprise in the miget pants. it is a mystery."
Or, as the New York post said, "Fat Chicks In Party Hats has destroyed our conventions of humor. With highly quotable mistranslated insanity, Miguel takes us on an inimitable roller coaster ride of hilarity. Completely unique, and holding nothing back, the page has a loyal following of thousands of visitors a day, its link being passed around everywhere from college campuses to corporate offices.... Sometimes hurtful. Sometimes misspelled. Sometimes too confusing to even wrap your head around, the young Roya's captions all have one thing in common. They all make you laugh.... Something tells you it's wrong, but there's no stopping it; comedy has never attacked us so unpredictably and at so many different levels since the early days of [Andy] Kaufman."
The Plaintiff: Deidra Babe, the unstoppable beast.
Deidra babe wants to be a super-size model, pleading "there needs to be a balance represented so that the world can be a better place to live for people of all sizes of large!" And Deidra, aside from a .4% deviant group of fat fetishists, I'm going to speak for society when I say pictures of you in a bikini do not make the world a better place for anyone. Unless you call dry heaves and retinal scarring "better."
And what happens when internet access makes its way into the starving nations? Those children have never seen oatmeal or lumpy mashed potatoes. How can they possibly be prepared for the horrors of your super-size bikinis? We survive over here where our food's desensitized to your texture - when we see you, it's just like "psh! I had that for breakfast." Or as Miguel might say, "Hey! There is hair on the oatmeal. it did FART!" Seriously, though, you look like the ashtrays the epileptic kid would pinch together at summer camp.
You read what the New York Post said about Miguel. Here's how they described Deidra: "Some kind of swamp creature from unknown origins. BLAARG. BLARG."
What happens when this woman takes Miguel to trial? One court sketch artist said, "Holy shit. I hope that doesn't happen. I don't think I have enough pencils to draw that much plaintiff." He then explained how he would avoid eating meat for a few days before the court date so as to "not confuse the beast by smelling like a rival carnivore."
If you can look directly at this picture, it's Deidra "Babe" in the tub. Miguel could not be reached for an appropriate caption, but Sea World inadvertantly wrote the perfect one: "If you sit near the splash area, avoid getting the creature's habitat water in your eyes or mucous membrane to prevent bacterial infection."
where is my sleeping bag? OH! THE FATTY WEARS IT FOR PANTYS!!!!! you may keep it didra babe. it now smells like porkfart.
© Miguel Roya, 1999, all rights reserved.®
Original illustrations of this article by rabid Seanbaby fan, Alienboy: