Part 3: Revenge Served Gay

Above: I don't care whether you think I'm homophobic or not. That thing in the cape wants to kill us.
GLAAD responded to Kevin Smith with a defensive letter of their own. In it, they mostly talk about how their letter was written to get everyone in the world talking about gay people, but not making fun of gay people or including them in any jokes. Basically, it's two pages of bullshit to distract us from what their letter actually did... made Kevin Smith cry. Well, it didn't distract me, you fucking homo bullies. You bothered someone until they lost their mind. You're like phone solicitors only without the paychecks.

GLAAD finished their letter by saying, "GLAAD’s goal is to spark discussion about the messages of Jay & Silent Bob and the potential impact of the film’s content on the safety of the gay community." They really thought fictional idiots calling each other names was affecting their safety. It was, and you have to remind morons about this a lot, just a movie. Four minutes of talking about cock surrounded by 86 minutes of talking about Yoda is not going to revolutionize the way people think about homosexuals. And it's not going to affect anyone's safety unless movies that suck make you die.

GLAAD does not need to protect anyone. If you're really that worried that someone might attack you for being gay, don't have sex with their ass. As much as GLAAD thinks the world is crusading against their asses, gay people are as safe as anyone else. We have laws in our society that keep our citizens from beating people up, which is exactly how you can get away with publicly whining about a movie like this without someone slapping the back of your dipshit head. Plus, we have additional hate crime laws that make it EXTRA illegal for beating people up when they're gay. The job is done. Maybe they're lobbying to get dickhead biggots slowly dissolved in the stomach of a horrible underwater beast. If so, then Jesus Christ, gay people. Take it easy.

There are a lot of useless clubs doing a lot of useless things. PETA recently lobbied to take away the Fishing merit badge from the boy scouts, and the Bagel Safety Information Council has been indefatigably protesting my invention, The Poisonous Bagel Grenade, Jr. GLAAD could better spend their time getting together with the Mothers Against Drunk Driving to push our government to finally make some laws against drunk driving. And while they're at it, we could use some standardized limits on how much dynamite we should be allowed to swallow.

We don't need clubs based on genitals to protect us. I got three death threats and two offers for forced sodomy last week. Maybe I'll be okay thanks to the league of Vagina Fanatic Anti-Me-Defamation Professionals who send remindful letters to everyone saying it would be nice if they didn't murder me. Well, it may surprise the gay community how I'm still alive, because THERE ISN'T ONE. When I get a death threat, no one sends angry letters demanding donations to film directors. All I can do is be happy my murderer was polite enough to send me a badly spelled warning from his AOL account. Because it gives me time to upgrade my home security system from Baseball Bat to Baseball Bat with Nail In It.

Besides their superheroic protection, GLAAD strives to make sure gays are treated fairly in the work place. It makes you wonder if someone at the government needs to give GLAAD a call and say, "We already made some laws about that too." Gayness does not affect your ability to work. And if you're so cock hungry that some of your projects will be deprioritized due to a coworker's orafice, it's generally a company's policy to respect and admire your decision.

Above: Despite GLAAD's success, most anti-defamation leagues have been humiliating failures.
Inset: President of the Star Officers Fan Fiction Council, whose pleadings against defamation have largely been ignored.
Look, it's sad people are making fun of you, GLAAD. And it's heart breaking that Kevin Smith thinks your buttholes are silly, but for fuck's sake. No one's going to stop just because you're complaining. That's like the Dungeons & Dragons club putting up posters in their school that say, "STOP SAYING WE'RE NOT RAD! NOW!!!" and expecting their lockers to fill with poontang.

Part Four-- Gays: So Like Us.

Aside from wanting to rub their genitals on similar genitals gays are no different than normals. Sometimes they can't get laid either. That's why they have to advertise so much and why they make such a big deal out of being gay. You've probably noticed how a lot of them put a rainbow sticker on the back of their car. Now, think back to the last time you saw two people in a car with a rainbow sticker. That's right-- never. They're just letting us know that they'd LIKE to have some ass. You shouldn't feel pride about that; that makes you a horny butt fiend on the prowl.

Straight people have trouble understanding this constant sexual advertising. Although our genitals are important to us, they rarely make up our entire personality. It might be because most women already know we're just waiting for permission to fuck them, but when you meet a straight person, they'll probably tell you about their major or their job before they describe what they do with their balls. Meeting a gay person is like meeting someone going for their newspaper in their boxer shorts. It's only a short matter of time before their dick pops out.

There is one good thing about this kind of sexual openness. They usually come right out and tell you when they want to fuck you. This can creep you out or flatter you, but here's how it comes in handy: now you can fart and pick your nose in front of them. Really, try it. And if they say it's impolite or gross, you go, "You were going to let me put my sweaty dick in your large intestine. And now you're grossed out by farting?"

The one advantage straight white people will always have is that they don't like each other. Every other group based on religion, nationality, or ass preference has clubs focused on unity and brotherhood. This is great when one of them rescues a drowning monkey from a burning building-- they can all share in the glory as a community. But when one of them fucks up, it's twice as bad. If one gay man commits a crime, their togetherness organizations make it look like all the gay people in the world are in cahoots. When one of them pulls a daring daylight heist of an armored car, it's not: "That motherfucker was crazy." It's: "Blast it! I knew those gays were up to something! Initiate Operation: Delta Homo Strike!"

I like when gay people branch out and have clubs that are still based around their genitals, but no longer have anything to do with them. For example, the Alliance of Gay Golfers. Lots of groups form clubs like this. There's the Alliance of Blind Golfers and the League of Wheelchair Golfers. The one difference is that being blind or in a wheelchair has a very direct affect on your golf performance. But as long as your caddy isn't jamming a golf ball up your ass and watching you launch it with your sphincter, being gay will not keep you from playing just ordinary regular golf.

Above: Gay Olympic Badminton
Below: Advanced Gay Olympic Judo
I could be wrong. Outside of figure skating, homosexuality may actually hinder your ability in sports, which may be why the gay community started their very own olympics, the Gay Games, where everyone can pit their atheletic abilities against one another's at a fair gay level, and then probably have sex. You can read about the history of the gay games here, and yes, it's hosted on a website with a butthole-themed name--

Here's the scary part: The Gay Games has a set of Specific Needs and Disability Games where you can compete if you have an intellecutal disability or a mental illness. Now, I totally understand how people encourage and admire the regular Special Olympics, but this is a group of handicapped people unified by how they like dick. I can't imagine even the most sympathetic soccer mom getting into the spirit of this.

Spectator 1: "Oh look, honey. That little retarded boy loves cock."

Spectator 2: "It's what makes each step of his proud dash brave and special."

Spectator 1: "It's like every time he wants to suck cock, he really wants to suck a piece of my heart- hold on. I think he's going to trip that other kid."

Spectator 2: "Which one? The one legged kid that wants cock, or the blind kid that wants cock?"

Spectator 1: "Shh! The mental illness long jump/teabag is coming up."

Spectator 2: "Last year the schizophrenic anal retentives that want cock dominated, but this year look out for the sociopathic undressers who suck each other's assholes."

Hey, at the risk of sounding politically incorrect... the Gay Special Olympics-- that's fucked up.

Fun Links!
GLAAD's 1st Letter & Kevin's Response

GLAAD's 2nd Letter
Gay people should relax. No one is conspiring against them. I know two weeks ago Jerry Falwell went on the 700 club and claimed that the World Trade Center disaster was because God was angry at gays. That means two things. One: the main lobbyists against ass sex are worshipping an imaginary murderer who doesn't care about side casualties in his butthole-related manslaughter. Which leads me to the second thing that it means: these people are motherfucking madmen. Don't start a club to get these cockheads to like who you date. Do you really want insane gun-loving religious fanatics obsessed with your anus to like you? Actually, yeah. It's probably better that they do.

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