April 12th, 2000
Teachers lose touch with reality. Again.

On March 15th, in New Jersey, four six year old boys were suspended from school for pointing fingers at each other while they were playing "cops and robbers." It's part of a new zero-tolerance policy schools have started that firmly states that teachers never remove their heads from their asses. Last year, in Virginia, a boy was permanently expelled for drawing a picture of a gun. Teachers luckily got to him before he was able to color it, or even worse, draw pictures of deadlier objects such as a grenade or Lex Luthor. And let me tell you how much safer I feel knowing a gun-obsessed kid isn't going to get an education even if he wants one. I'm sure our chances of survival went way up now that he's at home watching Gi Joe and Jerry Springer.

Anti-drug policies have gotten so strict that dozens of kids are getting kicked out of school for bringing cold medicine and aspirin to class. Isn't there someone on campus with common sense they can consult? Like a groundskeeper or a janitor or someone? I say catch the custodian right after he's done cleaning up vomit. That's when you're guaranteed a bullshit-free analysis. Someone mopping up puke has no illusions. He can look at a kid and figure out that he brought the two Advil to school to fix his headache and not start a drug ring. What is suspending a kid for that going to teach him anyway? Not to get a headache? Thanks, I'm pretty sure he was trying to take care of that already without your "help."

I'm not saying the finger pointing is worse or better than taking legal medicines to cure common diseases. It's just different. Kids are going to do rude, self-destructive, and stupid things. But they're not starting a contest, teachers. If they do something dumb, you don't have to top it. If you really want to be better than a kid at something, arm wrestle them, or enter their spelling bee with a mask and an assumed name. There are so many ways to show your superiority, don't go for the gold in the Retard event.

Teacher: "A kid in my class did the rudest, stupidest thing today, honey."

Wife: "I hope you showed him up, dear."

Teacher: "Damn right. I'm not going to let some kid out-stupid me. I kicked him out of school forever."

Wife: "You kicked them out of school for playing? Oh sweety, our senior class didn't vote you Most Likely to Fuck Up Kids for nothing. You're my hero."

The incident sparked nationwide support from other playing children, who as a civil disorder protest, refused to at least take a bite of everything on their plate. Some extremists have even sat too close to the TV and left their beds defiantly un-made. Parents of the children aren't as outraged as you'd expect. Since their children were pulled out of public school, they've almost doubled their education from two days of watching court shows and reading cereal boxes.

Don't think we don't understand you, teachers. We know it's fun to unreasonably punish children. They cry and scream, and people with cameras come to your school and put you on TV. But don't make up excuses. If you want to punish kids that didn't do anything wrong, there's no reason to make up a weak story about how they were pointing violently at each other. Just carry around a big stick and count to thirty in your head. Wherever you are when you get to thirty, hit the nearest kid. You get all the fun of disciplining them, but people call you "mean" instead of "a fucking idiot."

This new random caning policy will also help save you time. If you punish a kid for thinking about a gun every time some crazy in another state kills his class, you're adding hassle to your life. The students are only going to have a vague idea of what's against the rules. The little bastards are are going to come up and ask permission every time they want to play shark cowboy or marbles. Do you want that?

"Teacher. I have this sandwich in my lunch. It's wrapped in A-Team plastic wrap. Is it okay to eat it, or will you suspend me? Also, this gum has a Space Ranger on it. Will I get suspended if I chew it? I guess what I'm asking is if eating a gum with a space warrior on it is a public endorsement of violence. And since you're stupid and a bitch, does that make you a stupid bitch?"

One of the main reasons the penalty was so high was because during this wicked crime, one of the children shouted, "Boom! I have a bazooka and I want to shoot you." It sounds terrible, but I doubt he was serious. This isn't the damn airport metal detector. We can decide what's a game and what's a terrorist. Even if the kid wasn't fucking SIX and really wanted to shoot someone with a bazooka, believe me, they don't just hand those things out. No one's going to sell you a bazooka no matter how many smiley faces you got on your coloring assignment. If the kid said, "I'm going to hit you with this big rock," then you have something to worry about. A kid who says he's going to shoot you with a bazooka might as well be threatening you with his super action laser vision or a Barbie doll he scribbled "VOODOO" onto.

Maybe I don't get it since I'm not in the six year old trenches. Maybe I can't understand the hell of public school while I'm discussing the pros and cons of breast implants with the Eskimo sitting next to me at the strip bar. But I'm pretty sure you people taught five first graders that it's not okay to play. If you get someone in trouble for nothing, that's like giving them a Slaughter the School Free Card. You've already been punished for it, you might as well finally kill that kid that puts gum on your chair.

At first, everyone agrees that killing your friends and family is a bad thing. You end up getting thrown in jail or killed in a gunfight, and for months, you get innocent children across the country suspended if they have anything remotely in common with you. But there is something good about killing everyone you know. If you get in a near fatal car accident, and you have friends and family, the hospital calls one of them and says, "Your pal is here. Come get him." If you have no connections, the hospital calls a secret government organization and says, "Code Omega. Suitable test subject currently in stable condition." Then you wake up half-robot with enhanced strength and speed, but with a chip installed in your head that will explode if you ever try to escape. Your identity has been erased; you've become a living weapon.

I have a pretty good solution to all this school "crime." Stop letting the kids go to the bathroom. You've been to the bathroom, you know what happens in there. Not only are the kids defecating, but they handle their own genitals during it. Nudity, bodily fluids, and masturbation all in one room? I can't believe they allow that kind of thing in our schools. I know hookers that won't do all three for less than 80 bucks.

School wasn't always this serious. When we were in first grade, and massacres only happened in post offices and Israel, I remember playing Vietnam torture rack with my friends, and sometimes teachers would even play the part of the leeches. We didn't have the imagination for finger guns. We had plastic uzis that rattled when you pulled the trigger, and looked exactly like a real uzi to any policeman who was ten feet away or more. You didn't end a game of war with someone getting suspended, you quit when someone got shot by twitchy cops. Teachers, if you really want kids to stop playing cops and robbers, cut their little fingers off. I know it's hard to tell reality from make believe, especially while God has his own channel and Santa is outside of every Payless, but I have an idea: If some kids are playing, check to see if any of them are crying or bleeding. If no one is, and you still think someone needs to get kicked out of school, you're the one with the problem, not them.

The teachers who administered the punishment couldn't be reached for comment due to an inability to figure out which end of the phone they were supposed to talk into. However, insiders say they've already forgotten the incident and are currently investigating an anonymous tip exposing third grader, Tommy Sanders, as "a big poop." If convicted, Tommy Sanders faces possible expulsion, as school regulations state clearly in article: X[illegable]WS-, section: PLOP!BOOOBYA[illegable]WEE that "no child shall be made entirely of feces."

Two other New Jersey students spent recess building a sand castle in the memory of their suspended friends. A sand castle that was criminally in violation of building codes. They were fined $1700, even before further investigation showed they did not hire union labor, were building without a contract, and ignored nearly every state and federal safety regulation. The school board has yet to comment officially, but the assistant principal has already punched them both in the stomach.

As the sand building was being condemned, another young boy stomped on the castle shouting, "RAAAHHHRRRR!" He was fined for performing demolitions without a liscense, and arrested by police when they feared he might be the legendary and unstoppable Godzilla. It's a part of the new and innovative Zero Monster Tolerance policy. Some parents are protesting this as it gives all faculty members the authority to shoot a silver bullet into the head of any student that develops facial hair before sixth grade.

In other school news, a letter on the Lexington Middle School reader board fell slightly to the left and was blamed for a record low in final exam attendance. However, there was a notable increase in enthusiasm in the students that did show up.

"Jesus Christ. I'm ready to go back to Cuba now. At least Fidel waits until we spit on the sidewalk before he arrests us."
-Cuba's lovable Elian

"They did the right thing arresting those kids. It's one finger today, two tomorrow, and before you know it, they're pointing their entire hands at you. That's when you've got to..."
"You're right, Twiggy. That slut has a really nice space rack. Hey, no disrespect, but fuck this interview, I've got to go."
Buck Rogers, Intergalactic Freedom Fighter
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