Part 4: The public's outcrying and just regular crying:
Two flaming kids, a broken arm, and a re-animated cat corpse were all senator Joseph Lieberman needed to tell the world that he didn't like the show Jackass. A lot of people remember Lieberman from when he tried to get all the video games and TV shows with action taken away from us, and if you eat with him, he's the one that says a prayer every meal for Jesus to take our Rock and Roll away. If that doesn't ring a bell, you might remember him as being on the presidential ticket THAT LOST TO GEORGE W. BUSH last year. Good work, Lieberman. I might not be as important as a senator, but at least I've never lost a contest to someone who's barely allowed to use safety scissors.
Sometimes people can have so many things wrong with them that it starts to become your problem. Like when overweight people petition to get seats in movie theatres and airplanes enlarged. Now, I'm not heartless. I know it pinches when you squeeze 8 tons of meat into a half ton chair-space, and I know how tragic it is when someone forgets that lots of milkshake makes you fat, and I know that everything except crushing things and floating is a lot harder to do with a giant ass, but here's my problem: why should my airline ticket be more expensive because you love the taste of gravy? Keep me out of it and petition to get less cheese put on your cheeseburgers.
And like how some people are so fat it starts to become everbody's problem, Lieberman is such a pussy it's starting to become everybody's problem. I'm sure he's the reason no one in Hollywood will read my script for Space Bitch Naked Death Race, and I don't think the world should miss out on that just because Lieberman likes everything quiet and boob-free. Or maybe he's right and anything cool should be illegal. It's not like I read books about laws or anything.
Why are Lieberman and the other pussies of the world still complaining, anyway? They already got their music played inside every elevator and department store in the world. Yesterday in the grocery store I seriously heard an instrumental version of Disco Inferno played entirely with flutes. If there ever was a war against pansies, we lost. We lost bad. So what will it take before you're happy, fruitcakes? Maybe you'd leave us alone and let us watch TV if we figure skated everywhere we went and then cried and slowdanced when we got there. How about if instead of pants we wore baskets of puppies? Or better yet, how about you all fill your weenie mouths with dick and shut the fuck up?
Lieberman has a lot of work to do to get all the influential material removed from movies and history, because both Star Wars and Karl Marx showed us how great it is to kick the government's ass. I personally believe in the American dream. I believe that we have to right to speak our hearts, unless our hearts want to kill the President, because that's totally not cool, unless the Pepsi girl ever gets elected President. Then I'd be like, "Hey Jackass! Do a skit about lighting Pepsi girls on fire!" But I'm getting off topic. In America, we have inalienable rights. I may not agree with what most of what you say, but I'll make vague meaningless comments about how I'll fight to the death for your right to say that stupid shit. And I will always let you do whatever you want after you watch TV. If you want to chase drug dealers on a speedboat, great. If you want to team up with a karate dog, cover yourself in bees, and jump a moving bus in a dune buggy, RAD. And if you want to turn yourself into a dipshit bonfire, call me and I'll bring the hot dogs. Because this is America, and you're free to be as helplessly stupid as you want. And if we aren't free to be dumbasses, how the fuck did Liberman get his driver's license?
Influences are everywhere, and children will eventually learn that they should never listen to anyone for any reason. Right now, they're watching TV ads that that tell them to tear cigarette ads out of magazines. Then it tells them in tiny letters to only tear the ads out of magazines that they personally own. Hey, everybody: EAT ME. If you tear a cigarette ad out of your own magazine, you're saying that you can't trust yourself to not smoke when you see a picture of a cowboy. That's insane. I'm not going to tell donkey wranglers to kill all their donkeys in case I ever have an uncontrollable urge to have sex with lots of donkeys. And you shouldn't try to make airline seats bigger in case you can't stop loving the delicious taste of butter. The point is, we live in an insane world, and people were out of control way before Jackass made television cool. And if you take it off the air, I'm not going to be responsible for what Bruce Springsteen does.
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