September 13th, 2000
McDonald's: Putting the Danger Back Into Breakfast.

McDonald's customers aren't the only people who've made fools of themselves for money. The popular band, Bon Jovi did it in 1988 with their hit "Wanted: Dead or Alive." Remember how they showed how being a rock star was totally like being a cowboy? Their microphones were really "guns" and their tour bus was a "steel horse." People that saw Bon Jovi knew to be careful. Because their guitars were kind of rifles if you pretended hard enough. Also, they might rock your face.

Bon Jovi, I know how high you have to be to start believing things like that. I once told everyone my couch was a magic boat and the carpet was lava. But I have no idea how high you have to get before you start singing songs about it. I never recorded a song about me rocking faces on my magic couch boat and how much of a lava pirate it made me.

It was a nice try, Jon Bon, but nobody really thought you were a cowboy. And we sort of figured out how the only time rockers and cowboys have anything in common is when you change some of the words in our language to mean two totally different things. You might as well have been singing about how you guys were firemen. Like your monitor speakers were firehoses and no wait! You should have written a song about how you were Chewbacca! And like your bus is a big spaceship and the "loaded" guitar on your back is actually a backpack full of C3PO parts. An-and your microphone is a big chunk of meat attached to an Ewok net! Now that I think about it, being a rock star is exactly like being Chewbacca.
Have you made it safely through a meal before? Were you hard enough to swallow your coffee without almost dying? Then you're either very lucky or like a piece of iron. Because there are 40 people in the UK right now who are suing McDonald's for endangering their lives with hot coffee.

Everyone's heard of the woman over here who sued them for coffee temperatures that didn't agree with her vagina. That's why it's so great to see the remake over in the UK. If stupid lawsuits were movies, the McDonald's coffee case is Citizen Kane, or for a more contemporary example of a great classic, Meatballs 1.

Lawsuits are destroying our ability to survive. We may be too stupid to get through a cup of coffee without help, but we're smart enough to know that our idiocy can make us rich. You may have seen a person walk boldly into high speed traffic. It's because they know that if you hit them, you might be buying them a new boat. It's kind of a step down from the instincts we had as caveman to get the hell out of the way when a giant rock was rolling at us. No caveman was going to jump in front of a dinosaur and scream "Ka-CHING!" all the way to the caveman hospital. At the rate we're going, we'll have all quit our jobs in thirty years and be trying to kill ourselves full time.

Do you know what should happen when someone sues McDonald's for having hot coffee? They should be legally declared fucking helpless and moved to a special home with other people who need help drinking and using the bathroom. Maybe ten or twelve of them together can somehow overcome their handicaps and learn how to go to the store all by themselves without spending all their money on rat poison and diapers.

I joke, but really-- what kind of pussy needs governmental regulations to keep them alive during lunch? I've eaten at McDonald's before. Never once did I feel my life was in danger. I've had one of those plastic tubes of frosting and jelly they call a "Yogurt Fruit Parfait." And I didn't use a safety net or a helmet. But that's because I'm a fucking extreme eater. I can chew without biting my tongue off. I can put food in my mouth without swallowing my hand, and I can finish an entire cup of coffee with practically no injuries. Listen-- I'm the Mountain Dew commercial of eaters, fucker.

Above: Ronald McDonald with Annie, a smurf, TV's Ronald Reagan, and his wife. In blue I've circled all the characters that want you to stay off drugs. In red, I've circled all of the ones that want your coffee to kill you.

When I actually had a job I'd be lucky to show up before noon, and I don't think I even found the university during my four years of college. So I don't have much of a chance of being in charge of McDonald's coffee temperature, much less get a job as a judge in Dipshit Lawsuit Court. But if I did, and some idiot came in front of my court suing McDonald's for keeping the coffee hot, I would not only dismiss the case, I'd have the bailiff put a jar of fucking spiders over their head. And since it'd be my court, the bailiff in charge of the spiders would be Carmen Electra in a bikini. And right before court was adjourned for staff oil wrestling, I'd legally change the name of the plaintiff to "I am a Bag of Diarrhea." You don't fuck around in my court.

Below: Objectivity vs. Common Sense:
An actual news source objectively reported on this stupid McDonald's shit. Transcriptions of it are on the left. On the right are selections from my latest published diary, Passion Cereal for the Soul.

Court action against the fast food chain McDonald's by customers who claim they were burned by the restaurant's hot drinks begins on Wednesday. The case against the company in Manchester's High Court will argue that McDonald's knowingly served tea and coffee at dangerously high temperatures.

Above: Knowingly serving you flaming death.
The phrase "knowingly served" scares me. Are they saying this is some kind of coffee conspiracy? Maybe a few of them snuck in the back and diabolically turned the coffee machine temperature to "dangerous." Those clever bastards. Knowingly served... it implies that maybe McDonald's employees would be somehow innocent if they had no concept of temperature. I understand that most of them don't since upon hiring, they're all coated in perfectly insulated PlastiSkin-brand artificial skin, but even then, McDonald's kitchens keep test bunnies in the back. They're placed in the bottom of bathtubs and if they smolder when coffee is poured over their head, a manager is informed that the coffee temperature is too high. This is done by loudly ringing the "Bunny Bell" and running through the kitchen shouting, "BOILING BUNNNNYYY!!!!"
I asked a McDonald's employee if there was a staff conspiracy to slowly murder the American public with super-hot coffee. Below is a picture of what they might look like if any of this was true. To the right is a multicultural picture from McDonald's strategically non-offensive website. Sorry to native Eskimos and the French, whose people were not represented by a grinning fry cook model anywhere in their propaganda. Probably because they're racists.

"Let me explain how the food making process works here. I, or another bitter dropout presses a button on a giant food making machine. Then we wait at the dispenser. That's how much control we have over the food making process. We have the option of serving it to you or serving it to you after we put a booger in it. If there was a way to adjust the temperature on the Coffeetronic 2000, I sure as fuck wouldn't know how to do it. Those machines are so tamper-proof, if you wanted to change anything it would take zErO-KeWl and his damn team of pink haired rollerblading hackers to do it."
A total of 25 customers have so far taken the company to court in a joint action, five last year and 20 on Wednesday. It is thought as many as 40 will eventually join the action, with further cases expected to be generated by the resulting publicity.

Above: An adorable girl reads a story about God and choo choo trains to a doll in a field of non-poisonous flowers. Far away, dipshits are sueing one other for serving each other breakfast.
Good news for murderers and rapists-- the courts are being kept busy with forty high-profile cases starring people who think their coffee is criminally hot. Let's pray that those people don't find out how cold popsicles are. It's unlikely they will since they're retards, but I still think the ice cream industry should start setting aside some money for legal damages. Or start storing their treats at a more comfortable temperature.

Let me tell you why McDonald's coffee is so hot. Because you have oily children simmering fluid in glass containers for hours at a time. If you lowered the temperature down a few degrees, that's not making coffee -- that's bacteria farming. Something tells me I'd rather wait for my drink to cool down than buy a cup of coffee-flavored cholera.
Lawyers for the customers claim that the company is breaking the Consumer Protection and Occupiers Liability Acts because its hot drinks are served at between 87 and 90 degrees.

Solicitor Adrienne de Vos, from Manchester law firm Slater Heelis Collier Littler, represents 12 customers.

"I know that some would say such drinks are meant to be hot and that people should simply take more care," she said.
Hey, Adrienne, maybe you should advise your clients to test the coffee with a small sip before they gulp it all down or drop it directly onto their genitals. Since you're a moron, you're probably getting a lot of advice, but this time listening is especially important. Because it's going to be really damn embarrassing when an old man with a gavel and a white wig has to tell you how to drink coffee.
"Customers don't realise just how hot and dangerous these drinks are - they really don't appreciate the level of damage that can be caused," Ms de Vos said.

"McDonald's is an environment that attracts and caters for young children. By knowingly serving drinks at such dangerous temperatures they are being negligent and failing to exercise the duty of care that is every customers right."
Don't try that "protecting the children" shit you people use to keep the tits and bad words off my TV. You can make the coffee 1200 degrees and you'll still never burn a single kid. Do you know why? Because kids don't order coffee when they can pick milkshake instead. Anyone stupid enough to hurt themselves with coffee is too young to want to drink it. Maybe you could advise your idiot clients to adopt this policy of not drinking grown-up drinks until they're old enough to handle them.
But McDonald's said it was concerned about customers' safety and that its products were labelled with that in mind.

"All of our products, including drinks, are carefully prepared to precise specifications. All of our hot drinks are served in cups fitted with a lid and bearing the words "caution hot," the company said in a statement.
Yeah. There's nothing that helps these people more than product warning labels. When someone's having trouble making it through a drink without hurting themselves, that little CAUTION will give them just enough survival instinct to pull through. It reminds me of my brave crusade to put little stickers on flamethrowers that say, "Whoa! Look out!"
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