October 25th, 2000
Finally, We Get to Vote on Whether or Not Kids Are Gay.


Every state has great measures you can vote on, but most people that tell you they understand them are either wrong or lying. The truth is, we can't tell if modifying the tax bracket for elected seniors is a going to make us go bankrupt or win us a million dollars. We just want to check the box that keeps murder illegal and bikinis on our TV. We don't really care about a tiny change to a trapping guideline for an animal we've never heard of. If a mountain man wants to trap a grizzly beaver, he can use a hot tub filled with poisoned donuts for all we care. All of the ammendments that go over our heads explain why more people smoke feloniously illegal narcotics than vote (according to government statistics). In fact, the people that believe in Bigfoot finally outnumber the people that believe in voting. Eat that, George W. Bush.


This is just one of many posters that would have to be removed from schools because of a suspected promotion of the homosexual lifestyle.
But not all of the measures on the ballot are cloudy ammendments to zoning and things you can't pronounce. Every year at least one well-funded Christian hate group gets something on the ballot that comes straight from a Wonder Woman villain's plan book. This year in Oregon it's measure 9. If measure 9 passes, schools will be forced to immediately stop turning children into homosexuals. Not with revolutionary herbal remedies or brainwashing - the plan is to make it illegal to tell school children what gay people are.

I know you're saying "Who cares? Sodomy isn't going to come up a lot in math class,", but keep reading-- it gets worse. The measure's also going to make it so schools can't educate children about gay-related things like "condoms" and "AIDS." It's clear to us that teaching children about homosexuality will make them gay. Think of how many of your classmates turned into multiplication and cursive in the third grade. And don't forget the tragedy when high school biology turned many of our friends and family into half-dissected frogs and bug collections.

You've probably already guessed that most of the people in favor of measure 9 use the Bible to show us how great and necessary it is. This might not convince people that prefer to govern themselves with sensible and clear ideas, but it sells me. I think it's fun to follow superstitions. Just don't make them laws. For example, I think it's bad luck to have sex without a cape. I'm not just telling you that for your own amusement; I'm telling you to show the Christians how you can have a superstition without legislating it. Oregon voters may have noticed how "Mandatory Cape Fucking" doesn't have a little yes/no/maybe box next to it on their ballots. I didn't want to impose my beliefs on everyone, and besides, cape sex may not apply to you if you have the type of balls that don't go with a cape.

If your main defense of a new law is a series of quotes from a religious text, you might as well be lobbying to get ladders banned from our schools too. Impressionable children could walk under them and be cursed with years of bad luck. And mixing bad luck with children is like mixing toxic play-do with children. I read that somewhere in a book about talking snakes and guys who can walk on water, so you know it has to be true.

Most people have a good laugh when measures like this make it to the ballot. Hate can be funny if you ignore all the tragedy and suffering, and no one ever assumes there are enough crazies to get things like measure 9 to pass anyway. It's true, there aren't. But just barely. It's almost guaranteed to barely fail with a 50.2%/49.8% margin, probably because that final deciding-vote couldn't get to the polls because his truck wouldn't start.


If Measure 9 passes, this is another poster that will be taken down from our school walls.
You know, for as much shit as they get, the Bible doesn't really spend a lot of time talking about how bad gays are. "Thou Shalt Keep Thine Beef From Thrusting Homo Butts" didn't even make it into the Moses Top 100 Commandment Countdown. I'm obviously no biblical expert, or even what you'd call "of average intelligence," but I'm pretty sure they devoted more space to the story of Jezebel and the moral of How Bad It Is To Wear Lots Of Makeup. That means that God hates makeup more than gays, or maybe he only hates gays because of all the eyeliner. Makeup is as much of or maybe more of a sin than homosexuality, but which of them is perfectly legal to do in church? Go find out-- ask a preacher for some lipstick and some ass-sex, and see which one gets you in more trouble.

Knowing from their intense Biblical knowledge that there are only a few ambiguous anti-gay lines in the Bible, the rednecks couldn't hate gays just because God tells them to. God has an entire commandment devoted to staying away from their neighbor's wife, and every single guest on Jerry Springer has disgusting relations his neighbor's wife, usually while wearing her underwear and a mullet. And it's not like they're vixens so sexy they seduced them away from the words of God. They're three-person beanbags that look like they got hit by a bucket of hairspray. These rednecks are not only breaking God's commandment of "Don't Lay thy Neighbor's Wife," but they're breaking their own bumper sticker's commandment: "No Fat Chicks."

This (totally) proves that they must hate homosexuals for some other, non-religious reason, and my team of scientists have figured out what that reason is: rednecks have tremendously strong magnets in their assholes that attract gay penises (see Figures 1A-3A, below). Who can blame these people for hating gays? Imagine going to work and having to run from your pickup to the carnival ride control booth with homosexual crotches flying at your ass at incredible velocity. Whether God tells you to or not, you're going to call your congressman and get him to do something about that.



Continue to Part 2: Solutions to the Problem

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