Photo and caption courtesy of Portland area paper and a favorite shit receptacle for scrupulous caged birds, Willamette Week.
Milwaukee showman Steve Vento, a.k.a. the Nacho Man, takes pride in his dramatoculinary bravura. "This is probably the best job I've ever had," the restauranteur says.
Calling a tiny man wearing a basket of chips on his head a dramatoculinary restauranteur is like calling a double-jointed whore a gymnoamorous demimonde. Or in your case, 'mommy.' Yeah, your mom's a whore, you stupid fuck.
End of Editorial
LPA Convention '99
Information and schedule for this inspiring event.
Women Who Pee Standing
A group with nearly as much influence as the LPA, these women dare to dream an impossible dream. Please be warned: features frighteningly detailed instructions on how you can do it.
|July 5th, 1999 - Midgets Conquer Portland
S. Reiley - Portland, OR
Beginning today, the Little People of America are holding their explosive week-long convention in downtown Portland. In a series of assemblies, midget-friendly fun, and summer camp games, this year's LPA meeting promises to be an enlightening event for both dwarves and people of normal size. Seanbaby's Homepage has sent in a small team of brave lifelike midget spydroids to steal a tentative schedule of the planned activities. Please attend these events, so they did not die in vain. Here are today's highlights:
8:00 am - 9:00 am: Power lifting Weigh in
The carnival trip has been cancelled this year due to last year's facist height restrictions that forced all LPA participants to be stuck in the gay haunted house and the lame little rockets shaped like elephants. The three hour block has now been filled with Skeet Shooting Trampoline Bonanza.
6:30 pm - 9:00pm: Pizza & Murder Mystery Party
Dwarf actor Billy Barty, summed up the LPA's mission in a way everyone can understand - with a toilet. He charmed reporters with, "You don't know discrimination until you walk up to a 19-inch toilet with your 13-inch inseam," before cartwheeling into a drunk man's arms and being expertly thrown into a formation of bowling pins. A perfect strike. And a perfect description of this group's courageous battle against oppression.
But there's a grain of sand in this cock-shaped bottle of dwarf-empowering lubricant. The LPA is turning against its own LP's. Steve Vento (left sidebar), known to patrons of his restuarant as "The Nacho Man," has been ostracized by the powerful LPA because his serving method. He brings nachos to guests in his oversized but delicious food-filled sombrero, which other midgets see as a step backwards for midget image development. The resourceful walking salad bar disagrees, and claims his size is "a gift from God." His tiny moustache bounces up and down as he continues, "I make people happy with my job. What's wrong with making people happy?" What's wrong indeed, nazi bitch? At the risk of sounding gay, this reporter would like to eat Steve's hat.
Steve was disappointed people thought his sombrero was degrading, and in penance, he's replaced himself with a new nacho server. The new server is an energetic amputee, speeding through the dining room in the caboose of a shiny model train. Steve, the dramatoculinary restauranteur, said, "There you go, fuckers. And until there's an Amputated People of America group, everybody will get their damn chips. Today's specials are the Willow Tostada and the Time Bandits Burrito."
Midgets (like Fantasy Island's Tattoo) also feel they are not represented well by pop culture or the media. Pediatric gastroenterologist [intestine doctor for children], Dr. Ken Lee (right) righteously announced, "Think about popular culture - plays, movie, TV series. It's hard to think of a dwarf that's been portrayed as a normal, everyday person. You don't see the dwarf mechanic, which some are, or a social worker, which some are, and you certainly never see a dwarf physician."
His words were so moving, surrounding midgets floated off the ground and began to fly, their faces covered in looks of astonishment and joy. After the air was filled with swooping and diving dwarves, Dr. Ken Lee put on a star-decorated triangle hat and cried out, "This is it! The prophecy!!! IT HAS BEGUN!!! Let the long inseams feel the fury of the FULL MIDGET POTENTIAL!!!" Colors and light swirled around the little man, his plans of conquest nearing fruition.*
Upon hearing this news, non-dwarves have entrusted their survival to a group of headstrong young ninjas with hearts of gold.
* Click here for Silas McLeere's artist conception of what this historical midget event must have looked like.
"It's 'Doctor.' I didn't go to midget medical school for 12 years to be called 'Mister,' thank you very much."