Who wants to publicly humiliate themselves?
Feb. 29th
Twenty two million people saw Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, and anyone who's stood in line at the grocery store probably knows as much as anyone else. It was basically a beauty contest, but instead of getting a tiara and a parade float to wave from, the winner got to be history's highest payed hooker. Rick Rockwell, Star Search loser and real estate developer, was the mysterious millionaire the women made themselves a prize for. Yeah, the one that came out and forced that collective "oh shit, he's a geek" from the crowd when he emerged from the secret millionaire shadows.

Just like after you buy a cheeseburger, the first thing Rick did with his new purchase was stick his mouth on it. Before she could even say a third word to him, his tongue was already down her throat. During an interview later, he admitted this was a mistake and justified it by saying he "hugs his guy friends," and is "a very touchy-feely person." Thanks Rick, we figured you were looking for ass. We just wish you could have adopted a 19 year old Korean girl like a normal person. We also wish you would have told us one of your ex-girlfriends had a restraining order against you. Now you've forever tainted the proud reputation of slave owners such as famous president George Washington and talk show host Kathy Lee Gifford.

At the risk of editorializing, I think it was very presumptuous for Rick Rockwell, star of Return of the Killer Tomatos, Killer Tomatos Eat France, and Killer Tomatos Strike Back!, to think he could kiss his new wife on TV. Didn't he see Pretty Woman? If he had, he would have known that hookers hate getting kissed on the mouth. You can cover them in mayonnaise and duct tape their hair to the bed, but kissing is out of the question. This shows how careless and unprepared he was. If you're going to pay a chick to marry you, you should do a little research on the eating habits and mating rituals of hookers. You wouldn't marry a walrus without watching National Geographic, or at least a movie where a baby walrus learns to skydive with the help of two singing orphans.

When Rockwell was a stand up comedian, he was famous for sucking and being derivative to the point of stealing jokes. Other comics said he was talentless and would do anything for publicity, and after his girlfriend got a restraining order against him, one Portland comedian said, "The only way he would have beat his wife is if he saw another comic do it first." Unlike him, his new wife, Darva Conger, was not a small-time celebrity hated by the few people that had heard of her. But she quickly took care of that by publicly peeing on whatever gender equality had been built up by female axe throwers and biker bar dykes.

According to court documents, the marriage has officially never happened, but Miss Conger still went on 20/20 to talk with Dianne Sawyer about it. Click here for the twinkly-music intro to the interview. You know how after the wedding night, you're always curious if the bride got laid? So was Dianne. But instead of just demanding to see the hole in the sheet her and her husband/owner fucked through like any normal hard-hitting reporter would, she "put it delicately" by asking, "Did he make a move on you?" Adding, "You know, did he stick his cock in your vagina?" Her eyes widened and she asked again, "Hey, Darva. Darva. His cock. Nono. Did he put it in your vagina? C'mon Darva. C'mon, seriously. He looks really bad naked, doesn't he?"

Later in the interview, after they FINALLY started discussing Rick's history of girlfriend-beating, Darva brought up, "I was in the military for 10 years. I can take care of myself." Sawyer responded with a dismissive hand gesture and said, "Psh! Look, bitch. Maybe you don't know the rules, but if some guy buys you and wants to punch you, you take it and like it." Then while doing a mocking impression of Conger's voice, she whined, "Oooh! I'm all tough now! Yesterday I auctioned myself off in a bikini, and now I'm soooo bad ass!" Most of the 20/20 staff came onto camera by this point, parading around like beauty contestants and offering to marry each other for increasingly less money until Darva stormed out. The last five minutes of the show was mostly the stage hands laughing and high fiving.


(above) The reenactment of the famous wedding night.
Darva admitted she was worried on the first night, so she brought along a female chaperone to their two-bedded honeymoon suite. When she heard this, Dianne sawyer looked confused and said, "I'm just trying to imagine... how creepy it must have been." Hey, Dianne. So I'm trying to imagine it too. In fact, I posed these women to reenact my imagination. It turned out less creepy and more cheerful than I envisioned, and that's mostly my fault as photographic director, but that's Darva on the right. I don't know why she's wearing the diaper, or why she's putting all her hard-earned money into the other girl's panties. She answered a question and walked around in a swimsuit for that, and now she's tipping her half naked chaperone? By now, I was starting to feel like we were going past artistic liscense and just blatantly making fun of Darva. I felt bad because they were always spraying weird chemicals on our troops in Desert Storm, and it's not cool to make fun of people messed up on chemical weapons.

As a final big budget production, Seanbaby.com has gone to the campuses of collegiate America to find out what you think about the sexless arranged marriage. We were almost out of money from constant set redesigns and costume changes during the honeymoon reenactment, so these are all I got:
"So here we have two people after a huge ceremony going off to have arranged sex, a chaperone is there the whole time, and it ends with celibacy and weeping. Jeez, I could have filmed my senior prom if I knew you wanted it, Fox."
Duane Francis
Computer Engineering, President - Anime Appreciation Society, Helmet Stacker - S.C.A.

"I heard from an unreliable and barely coherent source at the Seanbaby Fan Club that the guy isn't even a millionaire. He's only got like $700,000 in the bank. After I ordered a large orange juice and extra bacon this morning, my breakfast cost more than that."
Carl Hanson
General Studies

"Let me tell you something. If some chick sticks her tongue in a guy's mouth 2 words after she meets him, goes on a 10 day vacation with him, MARRIES HIM, and still doesn't fuck him. That's the worst god damn cock tease in the history of blue balls. It forces us as Americans to ask the question, what does it take to get laid? Earlier today on daytime talkshows, I saw 1900 pounds of Canadians that had sex the night they all met. And that 1900 pounds of people was only two toothless women. Ricky Rockwell might be a complete fucking geek, but damn, if those monsters on the TV got laid even once, he should be banging chicks every day."
William "Weasel Piss" Johnson
Physical Education, Social Chair - Sigma Nu Fraternity

"There's a club downtown where you can get okay-looking women to not have sex with you for a lot less than a million dollars. There's another one where the women aren't that hot, but they'll at least sleep with you. Even for just one piece of crack. Or anything you can trick them into thinking is crack. I once did 8 of those chicks for a bag of rock salt. Hey, Rick Rockwell, a bag of rock salt is a LOT less than a million dollars, dumbass."
Skeet Landell
Musical Composition/Performance

"I've been following Rick Rockwell's career since he was on Star Search. Not that I'm obsessed or anything, but I read that he chose the name Rockwell while looking through a phone book. It's disrespectful enough to your family to go on Star Search and not win, but to throw away their name in favor of something you randomly pulled out of a phone book.... I suppose next he kills and eats his parents. From what I've been finding in his garbage, he might be trying to tell me to do it."
Brock Miller
Graduate Student, Documentary Film

"Different beds on a honeymoon is very common. If you're Amish or a 60s sitcom star. Or if one of you shits the bed, I guess. And neither one of those guys look like they're Amish or a 60s sitcom star."
Brenda Whitfield
Elementary Education, Spirit Director - Alpha Phi Sorority
If you and your friends get together to play Six Degrees of Slave Trade this weekend, here is a helpful guide that will give you the advantage you need. And in a reaching out program, I hired out-of-work Hollywood entertainment columnists to write it for me.


Kevin Bacon!
In She's Having a Baby, this hunky Footlooser acted alongside mall photographer and kung fu sub-boss...


Al Leong!
Who caught the eyes of Hollywood as the mysterious chauffeur in the 10-years-too-late blaxploitation film, Action Jackson, starring the now-unemployed...


Carl Weathers!
The black-as-night star who rocked our world against the intergalactic threat of the Predator and looked better doing it than...


Arnold Scwartzenegger!
Who muscled his way into the frigid character of Mr. Freeze in the tragic Batman and Robin with head bobbing heartthrob...


George Clooney!
The same man who led a fuzzy vegetable, a bumbling roommate, and a tomato mutant woman to victory against a mad tomato scientist in Return of the Killer Tomatos where two characters were played by...


Rick Rockwell!
Who bought a woman last week on TV.


Now you'll be the star of the newest party game! Keep in mind this same guide works for Six Degrees of Wifebeating. And the target is the same man who on his wedding night looked into the eyes of the wife that wouldn't touch him and asked, "Why did you even come on the show?"
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